08.14.03
Things to do Today
- Do a load of towels
Make a cakeTake Master LunchWork on some graphics
Well, i've made a executive decision. For those of you who have visited
DieCast Poetry before, and want to go back, we've dropped the price of the book in half!
That's right the price has been slashed.
This is because of two factors, 1) I got a better printing deal; and 2) people aren't
likely to send $30.00 to a complete stranger.
Remember, this is art! The book is printed on book-weight paper, and contains 85 pages of
quality poetry. Please support Your Local Artist and Her/His Endeavors!
Yes, blatant capitalism at it's finest. I believe in my art, i believe people out there
will find it purchase-worthy. I also understand that many people aren't into poetry. I am not
an Academic poet. I am what is called a street-poet. I started writing at a young age, took
poetics in High School, and everything else i learned, i learned on my own, through reading,
and continuing to write, going to open mics, and getting feedback on my work from other
poets. And doing Performance Poetry.
I spent yesterday working on the "ad" for the potential backer of this project. If i can
figure out how to save it as a graphic, i'll post it here. I am learning about the joys of
Publisher. It's actually a great program for complex layout. Part of my college eduction
included graphic layout.(i really enjoyed that part). The old way, before fancy computers, and programs
like Pagemaker, and Publisher.
Master and i have worked through some pretty intense emotional stuff.
I feel like i'm heading into a manic phase.
Not being able to sleep, wanting to do stuff, actually
wanting to create with my hands, but they are still really bad, so no playing with glue for
me. I have an iguana cage half-built at my friend's
house, and i can't finish it yet, not with cracked, dry and bleeding fingers.
I got the new medication yesterday, still waiting about the dermatologist.
Hopefully we'll be able to get the problem taken care of soon, very soon...
The problem with manic phases is wanting to stay up all night, and all day, the brain just
keeps spinning and spinning and spinning, and unfortunately i don't have the
means to accomplish the things my brain tells me i want to do...so i have to find ways to
quiet it down.
Meditation can help in these times, but not the other night. I tried and tried and tried,
and resorted to drinking some sleepytime tea to get myself to sleep. It worked. Master was
all asleep and wrapped around me, and i just jolted up and out of bed, made tea, wrote and
smoked...
i was finally able to shut the brain off and sleep. Sleepytime tea does wonders for an
over-active brain! This is like only the second time in over a year where i actually had to
get out of bed because i couldn't get into a restful state. That's a pretty good average.
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08.12.03
2:30 p.m.
To do Today:
Call Dr. about Dermatoligist appt.Call Pharmacy about meds.Vacuum Living room- Buy iguana food.
clean cat boxes.
Already bought sodas and coffee.
i've been feeling very non-productive, and discouraged. Nobody in the "System" seems to want to
help me. The counseling center i go to hung up on me yesterday. Legal Aid has no lawyers present
who can help me with my Unemployment case. The new medication for my hand hasn't been approved.
And Master and i had a talk last night. She needs more of the M/s dynamic, i'm feeling like less.
Apathetic. Why is it even worth trying? My art suffers, i suffer, i don't want to suffer any
more. The key, of course is meditation. I've been reading the Miracle of Mindfulness. A good
book for any one who wants to breathe correctly. It's been helping. But after yesterday's
disappointments, i don't know which way to approach the perceived problems i am having.
I was re-reading what i wrote last summer when Master and i came together, and how excited i
was, and happy to have such a wonderful and special person in my life. I've been re-reading
what She has written about Ownership, and consensual slavery. And i've been wondering.
I am at a breaking point. Surrender all the way, or ask for a different definition of our
relationship. I don't want to exercise the second option. The need is in me to serve. Yet the
people out there who are supposed to be serving the General Community don't do it (hanging up
on clients is NOT a good thing). So why should i.
I am letting the negative infect the positive of being with Master. The happy i felt in the
beginning. The happy i felt even Sat. night when She had me tied and sprawled across the bed,
caning me from every concievable angle, and using me sexually. The bruises are still very
prominant.
So, what am i doing wrong? What do i need to change to find my "happy" mood again. Do i
really need to start taking mood stabilizers, or is this just a temporary passing feeling that
should lift soon? I have Intuition, why is Faith so elusive? What is affecting me in such a
manner that i can't get out of bed until noon, and then i just want to fall asleep again? I
just want to sleep, sleep and hide, and escape. And is that really the answer?
I need to create, i need to find $$, i need to write this thing for someone who is a
potential investor, and then present it to him. Instead, i'm reading other journals, or trying
to figure out CSS, and that is driving me absolutely batty!!! And not working on the proposal.
Not calling music guy who is working on the sound for my cd...
There's an answer, it will be found, there is the breaking point, and it will break in a
positive way. If only i can keep a grip on the thin string of sanity, i'll survive this apathy,
this feeling of less then, this sense of loss, and grief, sadness. I should be uplifted, and
healthy and so honored to serve Master...
And i feel like griping and complaining and saying all these terrible, bad things...not
good, not good...PMS any one?
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08.11.03
9:15 a.m.
i've finally hammered through a major issue that's been bugging me. My ex-boy is back in my life
in the weirdest of ways. And i've been trying not to let it bother me, but it has.
Master found his blog through the 100 bloggers project, and we looked at his website. My intuition
screamed at me...he's been reading our journals and blogs, what fell out of my mouth was, "Wow, we
inspired him". This was intuition not observation.
Master has this incredible faith, i have this incredible intuition. But when the intuition turns on,
i have a hard time saying "This is intuition." I second guess myself, i wait for proof. Because there
are times i wish i was wrong. Being right about certain things can be really annoying.
Yesterday, Master received a very polite and proper email from the boy asking for permission to
link us to his website. Along with that it was stated that he was "inspired" to create his own
blog, and website because of our websites and blogs. He likes what Master has to say. And me.
Ok...ok...ok...i was right, i don't like that i was so right.
So i did some talking with people last night. Isn't it a Universal thing? someone i thought i had
hurt so badly, finds inspiration in my lil ol' website, and Master's. It's a compliment. I am glad
that he was able to use this as a springboard to find his own voice, to find his own way.
This is something i need to let go of, something that i need to give back to the Universe.
Whatever unresolved issue still exists between us will be resolved with time.
In the last three years my focus has been to not cause any more injury or harm to other people.
To live my life as honestly and openly as possible in our society. I have found a relationship
that WORKS! Something i thought i would never find. I found another human being who strives to
understand me, and gives me the room i need to work stuff out. I am constantly amazed at the latitude
i receive from Master to figure out what path i am supposed to be taking right now in order to make
$$, and in order to further my art. What a gift. The second person in my life to take the time
to get to know me this way, and not condemn me for who and what i am. (see entry from earlier today).
And the path that i am on is to be in service to Master, and to continue the Poetry. And to keep
writing...some day, some way, i'll make some money at it, i know i will. Please, if you'd like to
support an artist who believes in a dream,
email us to find out how to order my book "Myth of the One." Visit the website at the bottom of
this page, to find out about slave boy, the Poet.
And all of this i need to give back up to the Universe. I believe in Change, i believe in LOVE, and
i believe that there is a breaking point, where the dreams DO come true.
All i have to do is believe.
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08.11.03
8:15 a.m.
Oh, Joy! It's Monday! Got a phone call last night from Texas, and my dearest friend will be coming to see
us in a week or two. It's been a year. Last summer i travelled to see her. She's graduating
in the fall from a Landscape and Agricultural Program...i am so proud of Her.
We spent much time on my couch in Tucson, talking about what we both wanted to be doing with
our lives. And She's doing it.
If She stays focused, She graduates with a 4.0 and Honors!!!!!!!!
I love watching transformations. Watching people grow and change. And this one, this one is special.
And even though we don't talk on a regular basis, (she isn't even on-line) when we do, it's just like
it was yesterday. Next to Master, She is the one person who knows me the best, the deepest, the most.
I have respect and love for Her, and miss her ever so much...
It was a quiet weekend. I spent much time in the kitchen. Hopefully i'll see a dermatologist in the next
week or two about the hands. I think i forgot to mention what i have, it's called "housewife's dermititis.
I've got a house wife's problem...ok, i'm a house boy, it makes sense, right?
I've got more to post, but i need to let Master scan it first...there is a bit of an issue i'm dealing
with, and after last night, i figured out that i am ok, really, i am. And that it shouldn't affect
me as much as i let it...but more on that later...
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08.09.03
6ish p.m.
I forgot to mention that when i was in the throes of culinary creation yesterday, i also knocked out a Black Bean Soup.
Well, i was chopping peppers for the Portebello Mushroom boy Steaks (Master's name for it), and i decided to dice peppers and
onion for soup too. Cooking, and making a disaster out of the kitchen. Master said that the process of creation involves the process of
destruction...that is so true.
So the kitchen got cleaned today, before i made the omelettes, and then, i decided, hands or no hands, i needed to make tortillas. Sure, i could go to the store and buy comparable tortillas, but they are so much better fresh! (hungry yet?). And they turned out soooooo good. And served with the Black Bean Soup tonight...mmmm mmmmmmmmm mmmmmmmmmmm!
We aren't going to the party tonight, but that's ok...there will be many more parties, and dungeon nights. And hopefully, we'll get a little "play" in before the night is over.
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08.09.03
12:30 p.m.
i did some cooking yesterday and today. Major grocery shopping on Thurs. so, of course i had to start cooking.
I finally got to make Master a very yummy dinner, involving portebello mushrooms, marinated in a homemade chipolte vinagrette, with sauted peppers and onions, on a bed of rice and black beans...with steamed chayote on the plate. (chayote is a vegatable shaped like an overgrown pear. It is indigenous to the Southwest).
Then this morning, Omelettes with sauted peppers and onions, and home fried potatos.
Oh yeah, i keep setting off the smoke alarm. The kind of cooking i do involves high levels of heat, which causes smoke, and the stupid little alarm doesn't like all the smoke. We pulled it down and took out the battery yesterday...
There's this thing, if i go too long without making some kind of food creation, i start getting buggy. I miss working in kitchens, but my hands are also really bad, so i have to figure out what i can cook that doesn't involve food that will irritate my hands...well, that didn't happen. The capsacium in chili peppers is pretty intense, and burned a little yesterday. But i got to create, and cook, and Master was very happy about what i served Her.
It's not a recipe you'll find in any sort of book. The vinagrette involved chipolte, and epazote. (An herb that grows wild in the Southwest). And a few other goodies. Lots of fresh lime juice as well. And i used the vinagrette to saute the peppers and onions...this is what makes me a chef, a good chef. Being able to create what i can't find in books. I thought about the vinagrette for two days before i made it. And thought about what i was going to use to decorate the plate, and what i would put around the portabello.
We usually have refried beans, and rice in the fridge. When you live on a budget, having these two staples are vital. Especially for an Hispanic woman, and a chef slave who's speciality is Southwest cooking. I usually make my own tortillas, but it's been two months since i've been able to play with dough.
Dough. Now dough is something special. I love getting my hands into it. Kneading and shaping and forming. Kneading dough is great anger therapy. Slamming it down on the board, and beating it up to get all the air out of it. Why a bread machine is a sin! You miss the whole entire point of making bread. Beating up the dough.
Making tortillas is different. You don't beat the dough, it's more fragile than that...yet, when you go to roll them out, well, there's the gratification right there. Using a rolling pin to push the dough and stretch it, to a circle, and then cooking it to bubbly perfection. I miss it...please send lots of good healing energy our way, so my hands heal, so i can play with dough again!
Amongst all this cooking, great sex was had as well. There is something magical and transformative about the sex Master and i have. This is the first time i've been totally sober and clean, and had sex on a regular basis. I highly recommend it! The power in what we do feeds the part of me that was deprived for so many years. Now, our sex isn't as frequent as it was last summer, but it has grown in intensity. And i feel complete, and cherished in these interactions.
So, all in all, a great start to the weekend, and looking forward to the party tonight if we can go. And hoping to see some friends. And maybe get a little play in if we can. *silly boy grin*.
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08.08.03
Well, it's a new week, and that means a new, clean slate for more ramblings...
I'm hoping to be able to post more exciting and thought provoking entries here in this
journal. The last week has been about getting things done. And i did. Today isn't a very
good day, but i'm starting to feel better.
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