august

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DM's Realm

08.21.03
4:45 p.m.

The fun part about having one's own website, is the bits i get to add to it when i am in the right mood. I promised more on television, so if you check out the tv rants page, you'll find a link to the Summer Viewing, and what i think about the shows we've been watching. (that means going to the other stuff in my head link to the left of this entry!).

Tomorrow will start a new week, and it looks like it'll be a long one, unless i decide to break it up.

Master and i had some difficulty this mornng. It resulted in me sleeping half the day. I don't feel productive, nor do i feel like i've accomplished much. I did get some emails out that were necessary. I am moderating a panel on Daddies/boys on Monday night at the local dungeon. It's work to get the scheduling, and the people, but i believe we are going to have an awesome turn out. That report will go in "it's a boy's life" after the event.

I feel lacking in the Service department, but not in the obedience department. I really, really do want to be cooperative with Master. I want to be a good boy, and a good slave. I'm not fond of these incidents that happen, but i know that it's life, and that it is human interaction. Emotions can be blessings, and they can be roadblocks. Effective communication is necessary, but not easy to accomplish. I said some things this morning that i regret. The blanket "I'm bad, and i'm wrong." An expression i can't seem to get out of my vocabulary. Does any one have any suggestions?

Years of programming from the F.O.O. Years of not having to communicate with an intimate partner, and two years back with the F.O.O. has allowed this language to come back into my vocabulary. Master assures me that i am not "bad" or "wrong." I believe her. I know that i am a good person. It's just that in the heat of an argument at 7:30 in the morning, when i haven't had good sleep, it slips out. I wanted to take it back as soon as it fell out of my mouth. By then it was too late.

Master came home for lunch, and we resolved the issue, and put aside the differences. This afternoon, i found out the cause of my short fuse, at least there are explanations. But it doesn't excuse bad behavior on this slave's part.

I strive to be as honest as i can. and I really try not to be self-denigrating...hard in our society, and hard with the negative messages in my head. Messages that i've spent 15 years attempting to rid myself of. Maybe one day, in the next five or ten years, i'll be able to not say those kinds of things about myself.

On a good note, i have an offer to do another performance tomorrow night. I didn't rehearse today, but i will tomorrow. And hey, if i mess up, they'll never know, because i am that kind of performer!

The new Spirituality essay is up and available. It's titled "Recovering the Path." Enjoy dear readers.

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08.20.03
3:30 p.m.

I wrote the aforementioned essay. I have to wait for Master to come home to read it, and hopefully, will have it uploaded either tonight, or tomorrow morning. It will be in the Spirituality section of this website. (if you haven't explored thoroughly, that means going to "other stuff in my head" proceed from there).

There is a reason i have sectioned off the site. I feel that some of the issues i deal with on a day to day basis deserve this level of attention. And they are essays that i want to keep up on the site. Unliking rotating journal entries that end up buried in archives. Some of the stuff i write seems to be That Important.

I am just a humble boy bumbling through, hoping to live my life simply with a little sense of dignity. I have to remind myself not to take myself too seriously. And to keep a playful attitude.

As adults in our society, we sometimes forget that play isn't limited to children. That play is as pyschologically beneficial to adults as well as children. If i need to play with my race cars, or color with crayons, or use playdough, i do. It reminds me that i don't have to be "ever so serious."

Especially after things like Unemployment Hearings.

Here's what i accomplished today:

• cleaned and vacuumed living room
• reported garbage disposal not working to apt. manager
• chatted w/ a new friend
• one load of sheets
• dinner for Master
• lunch for myself
• personal time for reading
• wrote essay

Not a bad bit of work for a boy with very, very sore fingers from "housewive's dermititis".
*chuckling to myself for having something that strangely named*

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08.20.03
1:15 p.m.

So, i'm bored today, and instead of writing the essay on Spirituality that i am contemplating, i decided to buy into the online quiz things...ok, so i love Heinlein!!! And, of course after the rant about people and posting only quizzes...so this is my apologia for ranting, and then giving in! Besides, i liked the outcome...*an interesting side note* i was re-reading this book prior to Master and i coming together!

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08.19.03
6:15 p.m.

Yesterday i wasn't feeling very well, and today was the Unemployment Appeals Hearing, so i really didn't get a chance to post anything.

Master and i spent a quiet weekend watching movies that we purchased at a thrift store for $2.50 each. We caught up on Highlander, and right now, we watch "The Restaurant" on Sunday nights. We were smart and bought gas Sat. morning, otherwise it would have been a nightmare trying to get gas the rest of the weekend. Arizona is having a gas crisis right now, and the lines are long, the traffic is difficult, and all i can do is hope no one in the gas lines goes postal.

Unemployment Hearing: All went well. Master took the car this morning and came home for lunch. I drove Her back, then came home, lit some incense, and started my "grooming." Shower, and it was time to shave. Any advantage i can get with a judge. I grow a bit of hair over my upper lips and on my chin. (nothing like in the picture on "boy's life") Figured it was a little long, so i better trim it. Then i came out and relaxed and breathed. I didn't let myself start to panic. It's only an appeals. Turn it over, let the Goddess handle this one. All i can do is state my personal truth, and hope for the best.

I got there, and so did the company's rep. I was going over one of the documents, and was like "What?" because the information said something about my needing a baby sitter. It turned out to be the Company's mistake. The co. rep was sitting there, heard my comment, and spoke up, saying that they would address the mistake in the hearing. He and i sat together and had a nice chat. He even asked if i could come back to work. He said he was there to represent the co. doing a job he's paid to do. It was nothing personal. He was actually even helpful during the Hearing, which is virtually unheard of. I was pretty floored, and flattered to be asked to come back to work. My hands are still in bad shape. So i don't know if working in a kitchen would be good for me right now. He said something about some cashier shifts available. If i can get them close to where i live, sure. (North Scottsdale IS NOT an option). However, it was nice to be offered, and if nothing else, i ought to go reactivate. Maybe i can get some soft shifts. Any income right now would be better then none.

The Hearing went well. I wasn't nervous, and cited my compelling personal reasons as to why i hadn't continued employment with the Co. And as i said, co. rep. was more then helpful. I came away really not terribly worried, and feeling a little like the Judge might rule in my favor. If he doesn't i have two more chances at appeals. If i lose this, i owe them money, or have to make a certain amount in order not to owe them money. The judge asked if i was working right now, and i showed him my hands. The dermititis actually started before the judgement came on my Unemployment. So the compelling personal reason for not being able to work right now has physical evidence.

I just might win this one, but it's really up to the judge and the Universe right now. When i picked Master up from work, She asked if i received the energy She was sending. Well, i'm not sure, but i took that time to calm myself down, and stayed calm during the Appeals. She couldn't take time off to come hold my hand at the Court House. And that was probably a good thing. The last appeals case took place on the day of the viewing of my mother after she died, and Master was unemployed at the time, so She went with me to the Hearing. (She couldn't go in, of course, but Her being there was immense support for me). So i am grateful to Her for that calming energy. Also She was working on the not worrying thing. Not worrying about whether i win or not. Or that we're "out to get them." Neither of us bought into the negative mental thing, and at any given time i could have just slipped right into the negative nelly or fearful mode. Or even "I'm angry at the world" mode. Instead, i just went in with the humble, "this is my story."

Lets hope for the best.

Hopefully this will help with my physical well-being. I don't like that i've been sick so much, and the dr. tests haven't shown any reasons for my physical un-wellness. I have an appt. with the new Dr. to talk about what the last batch of tests show. I have no idea what the last dr. was looking for, and the new one wants to look at more specific things. I want to know if this is pre-menopause...!!!!!!!!!!

And on the family front. I got a call from my sister-in-law Sunday night. My brother took a 15 ft fall two weeks ago, and broke and shattered a bunch of bones, including his wrist. Since i'm not talking to my family right now, this is real hard news to take. I'm not real happy that it took my sis-in-law two weeks to call and tell me, and also, she's the one who told my dad that i was a liar and thief, which resulted in my removing myself from the family, once again, last Spring.

This is really hard, because my brother and i have had a connection throughout our lifetime, and i really want to call him, and talk to him. But i can't trust that he won't go tell my dad that we talked...so i'm on a fence right now...all i can do is send him some good strong healing energy, and pray for his recovery...and not get angry all over again about how my family behaves.

Ok...this is what happens when i don't write every day, but at least i've covered all the basis.

Again, Master and i are getting along well, so not much to write about there...i'm sure in the next day or two i'll come up with something...!

The Big Thing is over with. I feel like having a party! i showed up, did what i had to do, and walked away feeling ok. That, i DO consider a Success.

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08.15.03
4:30 p.m.

Real Quick, i noticed that i kind of biffed the dates for this month...they are a little "off", hope nobody minds...*shy grin*

On to the real stuff...

I've been reading some other on-line journals. And i'm pretty amazed at how often some slaves are used. And how much they post about that use.

The details are pretty dicey, and enticing. I like reading them. But i also like knowing about how a slave is responding/reacting/interacting with their Master.

For me, being used is a fact of life. There are times we go some length of time without a "Scene" or any intense fucking. There are other times we have a lot of it...but for me, this journey isn't about detailing my sexual exploits with Master. It is about the internal process of surrendering to Her on a daily basis. And a way for me to log my accomplishments on a day to to day basis.

Sure, i could write little dicey tidbits. I have, check the past archives. There are times Master just reaches over and claws me, or tells me to bend over for an ass beating. But i haven't even written a full Scene report about last Saturday night. It was an intense night. And basically, i was tied to the bed and caned...Master uses me, at Her whim, and Her discretion. I don't feel the need to write down every time She slaps my face or tortures my breasts, or claws any available, exposed skin.

It is more important to me to figure out in my head when i am being uncooperative, when i am struggling with my slavery, when i can't or don't want to be obedient. And more importantly, the reasons why.

Why is the very important question for me. I've had very intense therapy in my past. I have psychology books on my shelf. The human condition is a subject very near and dear to my heart. What makes me do the things i do?

Fortunately i don't have to struggle with the question of "Why am i a slave?" I know that my past made me. I know that i am ok with why i want this kind of relationship. I KNOW how much i like pain and how much i like sex. I know i like it violent and primal, and i've never been happy with the vanilla level of sex.

There was a time in my life that i went without much sex. There was one year that i only got laid once. There was the year that i turned to picking up men because i was tired of the dyke scene, and nobody wanting me. (that really felt like a conspiracy). And dykes aren't supposed to talk about when we have sex with men, because "We don't do that."

I talk about it. I have to. Besides, i don't identify as a dyke any more...that makes it ok??? There was the time i had a really good fuck buddy. There was the crush/obsession i had for four years who was in my life on a constant basis, but only wanted an erotic exchange once every six or seven months. Then there was the intense 8 months where i had so much sex, and several people in my life that were excellent erotic interactions at a BDSM level.

Then came the two years, when i came back to the Valley, and pretty much abstained. I maintained two friendships from Tucson; one i saw only occasionally, and one other person, Mistress, who gave me one great ide in that two year period; and lots of little exchanges that meant more then any sexual interaction. And gave me a place to crash, and hang out when the F.O.O was driving me crazy.

These experiences have made me grateful for any little bit of sex/erotic exchange i receive. Right now, i get more on a regular basis then i had in the six or seven years prior. And you have to understand, i am an extremely sexually charged being. What was more important for me during those years was healing, and not giving myself to just any one. What was important was The Work. My art, the books i was creating, reading at poetry readings. See i had made the association that when i get caught up in relationships, i don't write good poetry. I don't write at all.

I write now, in this journal. I'm working on getting the new book out there. But i'm really not writing much poetry. The poetry i have written is powerful, and stunning, and has words in it that set people off. Words like "...sadistic charm." Talking about the D/s dynamic. And because most people out there are looky-loos, or won't write about their kinky sex, they get weirded out when they hear it from another poet.

I've written a few pieces on transgendered issues, and i use the male pronouns in my work. In "Do I Scare You" ( a new one from last fall) i refer to myself as a guy. This throws people off.

But no one has started GLBT readings here in town, where there is an audience that accepts that kind of voice. That's the community i had in Tucson, but then i wasn't reading this new stuff, i was reading all my unrequited love stuff...yeah, broken hearts are easier to relate to then wearing chains as armor.

I am a simple boy, and a complex being. I like sex. I love sex. And i have a hard time writing about it, and an even harder time reading the stuff i've written about it. The hardcore, edge writing stuff...

But that's ok. I'm working on getting over that.

I have a series of tg erotic/bdsm flash fiction that i wrote a couple years ago. I'm hoping to write some more in this genre/voice, and publish that as the edge-writing collection i've promised a few people.
And some day, i'll gain recognition.

See, so it's not just about the sex, and being used, and the erotic exchange i have with Master. It's also about having words, and using them, to move through this process called life. And figuring out what's going on in my head by journaling about it.

Master and i hit an emotional snafu yesterday, a pretty intense one. Once again, i am getting lost in the "How do i balance my art and the slavery?" I can't be the Artist/Poet pursuing a publisher or publishing house, or agent, and be of service to Her can i? I can't be out late at poetry readings, and networking, if i am expected home at 10 p.m. Most readings go on until 11 p.m. or 12 a.m. If i'm supposed to have the email open all the time, which eats up precious memory, how can i surf for these agents/publishers, with such a slow system? It takes a lot of time.

So when She got home yesterday, i was supposed to meet another boy by six p.m. Yet Master and i needed to have the long dialogue we did, which made me late for the date. We worked through it. It was emotional, and hard. The important thing was that i was honest, very honest about how i was feeling, and so was She. And together we'll figure this thing out. I know that She paid attention to my concerns.

Sometimes i wish i was just a bit more of a mentally balanced human being, and ok with being all of these things at once. Life taught me some very hard lessons, that aren't easy to un-learn. I'm doing the best this boy can do...and when i got home last night, I got fed cake! That was a good ending to a good evening, after the emotional crisis. Which really wasn't a crisis, just a miscommunication between us. I see myself as being bad or wrong when i don't follow orders, when i'm not being obedient. She doesn't. And i have a hard time comprehending how She separates that. If i am not being obedient, how does that make me not bad? confuzabobbled boy.

We worked through it, no yelling and screaming, just lots of crying on my part, and venting some emotional crap that had been building up the last couple of weeks.

And i was trying to do it as respectfully as i could. But as i wrote elsewhere, we are human beings, and by being human, we are not perfect. Do not expect perfection...but, i can grok progress.

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08.15.03

It's a new week, and time for another fresh look at life. Last night we got a really beautiful storm. I was at the Boys meeting, and it was lightening and thundering, and water came from the sky. For a long time. The monsoon didn't just last ten minutes, it lasted a few hours! When i got home Master had the windows and the balcony door open. And we sat watching some tv, eating the cake i made and enjoying the cooler weather.

The entry below i wrote yesterday, and waited until Master read it, before posting it. Then, well, it was storming, and we don't keep puter on when lightening is hitting ground. Enjoy.

written 08.14.03 1 ish pm

I haven't written much about Submission, Slavery, Obedience, or Ownership. I live my life as an example...a work in progress. I have been a work in progess.

What has been the resistance lately? Why am I dodging what this journal is about? Because I haven't been very service oriented lately. The cause? There are many, many things out of my control right now. And I don't like it. I want to exert MY WILL over those aspects of my life that I have no ability to control.

I cannot control things like my hands being so wounded. I cannot control the fact that Unemployment is being mean. Or that Legal Aid has no help to offer. I cannot control the fact that I cannot even go look for a job. The state of Our finances is even out of my hands. I can't pay my own bills, so it falls on Master. Master is MY Owner, she took that responsibility on when She claimed me as Her own.

I can't even control the cat Da Bomb right now. He got all tough on me last night. (15 lbs of wanting to be aggressive with me). I can't control what Television shows us...I can't control the fact that in the summer the Electric Co's push up the rates, so our bills are higher.

And I want some form of control.

I spent years being in control of my life. Doing things for myself. Sure it resulted in some major setbacks. I wasn't perfect at it. But just when I needed it, help would arrive.

Help isn't coming in the form of some funds from Mom. Mom died. So I have to look at alternatives.

But being a slave is about letting go of all these control issues. Being Owned is about letting the Owner make these decisions. My job is to serve, to be obedient, and to be respectful. I've been lacking in that department as well. Just because I want control over some aspect of my life.

And I work recovery, it teaches me to "let go and let god." It teaches me that I really don't have control over all these aspects of my life that feel very out of control.

And here's a thought: CONTROL IS AN ILLUSION.

So even Master's control over me, Her ownership of me, in this context, could be taken as illusion.

I turn to the inner peace and serenity I need to find to gain a balance. I am better today about wanting to serve Master. Reading A Slave's path has helped. There are other on-line journals I follow that help me shift focus. And what more can I do? What else is there. Service, obedience, Trust, openness, honesty. I follow all these things. I try to give Master the best of boy whenever possible. It just gets hard sometimes when I feel like the whole world is out to get me, and not give me what I want. The whole entire world wants to knock me out of my little happy place, and make me see how ugly and brutal it can be out there.

Heck, I already know that. One of the reasons I sought out a D/s dynamic was to be sheltered from the storm that was my life, the chaos that surrounded me.

I am sheltered, I am safe, I am treasured and loved, and Owned. And there are minimum requirements of me on a daily basis. Master IS NOT a micro-manager. But just when She needs more, I think I need less. Needing less of what? That is the point; that if She exerted the Dominance over me, I will give. I will give her more of me, the best of boy. I will obey, follow what the day's plan is.

When we were talking last summer, I let her know that it could get a little rocky after the first year. That I might want to try to take my life back. That I might think I made a mistake. In thinking about it today, I know that I didn't make a mistake. That our life together is better then any other permutation of my life prior to being with Her. It is calm, it is safe, it is protected. It isn't fraught with stress and worry about where the next meal will come from, or how am I going to pay my rent. I can let go of these big things, and work on the little things. Master believes in me, She believes in the Work. And She takes care of me so that I can continue the Work. And that is what is important. Not my wanting to take control of my life again. Because control is really an illusion.

The Goddess guides and protects, and helps those who help themselves, and I'm really, really focusing on helping myself in those areas that need it.

I can be more obedient. I can re-focus the slave-heart, and stop fighting Her Mastery over me. This is Her first ever 24/7 live in, D/s, O/p dynamic. It is my first ever sober and clean relationship. My second ever 24/7, live-in dynamic. There are bound to be struggles, trials and tribulations. "Bumps in the road." That's all they are, bumps. Not giant mountains that we have to climb over, no cliffs that we have to scale, not Seas that we have to cross.

There is already much ground work laid. We share much in common, despite the seeming differences (those are external). And there is much more of life to share. I'm not just holding out for the RV excursion...this is a life-long commitment, and I am not willing to break it. over a couple of weeks of negativity. As long as I can re-focus, and say, "No, I don't need less, I do need more." And Master can figure out how to get around this fragility i've been feeling; we might just make it through this "bump."

And i just found out Mercury is going to be Retrograde...and i'm a gemini!

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