08.31.03
10:00 a.m.
Master woke me up with a paddling, and fingers inside me. She's been threatening this for awhile. It was pleasurable. While my brain was coming out of dreamspace, i was experiencing a bit of pain and pleasure, with a WNBA game on the television...yummy for boy.
We had a talk last night. Yesterday my brain started playing tricks on me and telling me that this is an equal relationship, a love-relationship. This is resulting from the amount of time we spend together, and the intelligent conversations we have.
While we talked last night, Master reminded me that one of Her primary requirements of a slave was to be a Companion. Someone who could match Her skills and levels. It helped me refocus. Gave me a balance.
Sometimes my brain likes to tell me things. "If it looks, and acts like..." Our relationship looks and acts like a Girlfriend thing...but it's not. It is a Master/slave relationship. An Owner/property relationship.
I've discovered i don't like the word "equal" in discussing these matters. But i don't know what other words to use. I feel "equal" to Master in intelligence. We have a common background in pop culture. We can talk television, art, commercial value, food, Spirituality, new age phonies, astrology, and other topics with ease and understanding. It puts me in a head space of Hey, i finally met an intelligent Match for my Gemini curiosity. Usually i smoke people in conversations about these topics. I go way above their heads, and can expound on newer philosphies that most people haven't encountered. Master keeps pace, and can match my gemini wit with Her Virgo intensity.
I am Her Companion slave, and that is something She desired. It's something i desired, a companion in my life, not just a clingy girlfriendy thing. A while ago i had the complaint that there wasn't enough intellectual stimulation in our interactions.. Now the pendulum has swung the other way...
And this isn't about the lack of beatings or use, or even the kind way she treats me, that tricks my brain into thinking this relationship is other than what it is...it is the simple fact that we can hold discourse.
I kept these thoughts at bay last night. I started thinking that i need to emotionally detach a little bit. I'm feeling too close, like this is a lover coupling. That is an erroneous perception. If i remove myself a bit emotionally i can get
back into the proper slave focus. So, i did what i needed to do and went to Master to report my status; "Master, I'm having trouble in this area, i'm thinking like this, help." Sometimes it takes me weeks to process these issues. It takes me time to figure out what's bothering me. This time it only took an evening. I trust Master, and Her perceptions. I trust that She can help me through these little humps. When i feel the answer is one thing, and really it's so much simpler then my head makes it. Sometimes all She has to do is say one sentance, and i can re-focus, and know that i don't have to remove myself
emotionally. Just shift my thinking. Like what happened last night.
Life is full of variety and experience. Love expresses itself uniquely with each individual, and each relationship. We certainly have a unique blend, and i am thankful to the Universe for Master each and every day.
back to the top
|
08.29,03
11 a.m.
It's morning and i'm not fully awake yet. It's been a good week so far. Lots of resting. And i started walking for a bit of exercise.
Master has been wanting sex. And usually i'm not one to disagree. But i haven't been feeling particularly sexual lately. When in these moods i can usually be coaxed. But it takes a little time. We've been going to bed later, and we get up early. I have a thing about needing to be asleep by 11 p.m. if i am going to be up at 6:30 a.m. And the urges have been coming after that time. I want to be responsible and be able to get up in the morning and be functional. So what do we do?
I don't want to be one of those people where sex is only on the weekends. And yes, being Master's slave, i am supposed to be able to follow through on orders. Yet with the conflicting interest of my other responsibilities, it gets confusing in my brain. She is a responsible Owner, and i want to help Her maintain that. Which means reminding Her about how late it is and the need for sleep, so that i can get up in the morning.
She also hasn't been clear about what kind of sex She wants. She keeps saying there's other kinds of sex we can have, besides my pleasuring Her,and She's right, but then She doesn't go further then that. I know it's about Her wanting to use me, but last night, i couldn't get Her to say how She wanted to use me. This is where it gets tricky. I am much more experienced sexually then Master. And i ought to be able to guide Her into what to do with me. But in the words of an ex, i am lousy at initiating. I don't do very well with the HEY SEX NOW! I'm pretty much a follower, not a leader with a Top. When i do initiate, it is when i am in Top space, with a submissive or bottom. With a Top, i wait, and keep waiting, until it is indicated
where and how they want me.
This kind of situation always confounds me. And i hope to talk to Master about it tonight. It's not a big issue, but one we need to work through. The sex we do have is incredible. It takes a lot of energy. And i need to be able to get things done the next day. When we first got together, we had sex almost every night, well into the night. And She still had to get up the next morning, and be functional. But also She wasn't requiring that i get up right away as well. And it was all so new and fresh that i could still bounce out of bed and make breakfast and take Her to work. And then come back and nap, and then go to my job. There was the three months She was out of work, and well, we just had a fun time during those months. Idon't know what has changed between last year and now. All i know is that i need to get back to being able to service Master in whatever capacity She wants me in. But that needs to be indicated to me before i can take action.I guess i'm not used to people listening to me when i say things like i'm not feeling very sexual. And for years i didn't have a live-in partner. Whatever sex i got i was grateful for. I also want to avoid the "planned" sex. I'm better with the spontenaity then with set times and dates.
I'm sure we'll work it out. We've made it this far and it will only get better. We seem to be able to work through the tough issues with some sense of grace and dignity, and without blaming each other or making it a huge problem.
When i move into creative spaces, usually my sex drive takes a hiatus. I've been in contemplative headspace about my Art. "What do i do next. Where do i go from here." I'm very internalized during these times. Hard to see other people, and meet their needs. And again, this is about finding that balance between living with someone and being creative at the same time. It's also about helping Master figure out what She wants, and how to help Her move through whatever seems to be blocking Her. It feels conflicting, yet, it feels like a natural progression of our relationship, and the creativity we both have.
back to the top
|
08.27.03
8:30 a.m.
i have had an opportunity to finally begin healing a damaged relationship.
I am not friends with any of my ex's. I tried one time to be friends with one from many, many
years ago. She and her girlfriend abandoned me in the middle of Phoenix after a basketball game,
and i had to beg a ride, and show up at my parents house to crash. (This was while i still lived in Tucson).
I don't understand people who say "Oh, my ex and i are great friends." Never happened to me.
So finally, the boi is coming back around. He still lives down south, but is wending his way up here
for parties, and such. He came to the Daddy/boy panel we had Monday night. He had approached Master
via email, with a deep level of respect. So, Master allowed me to start a dialogue.
This is the first opportunity either of us have had to be in the same place, at the same time, without
negative feelings flying around, causing the desire to run away, and/or hide.
We got some one on one, face to face time yesterday. And it was an incredible experience. Neither of us
had had the opportunity to talk about the truck crash, and how we both walked away from it. The crash,
combined with other situations in my life led me to moving back here to Phoenix.
This was the first opportunity to finally compare notes about the accident, and to examine the reasons
why we are both even still alive! It was empowering. Our perceptions match.
I have been given a chance to heal some damage. I have been given a chance to start again on different
footing. See, i have all this residual guilt about how bad of a Daddy i was, and of course the
boi didn't listen to me because i was such a bad Daddy. I've come to find out that wasn't the only
reason he didn't listen. Still, when a person messes up, and the outcome can be potentially
harmful and dangerous, there is a sense of responsibility. Having the opportunity to heal that
friendship and begin a big brother mentorship is a gift. One i do not want to question.
We had a really great talk, and then talked on the phone some more. I'm still going to take it slow,
there's still some trust issues, and there's a chance of emotions running towards the structure of our
previous relationship. I want to avoid that clash. Sometimes, when i look at him, or think about him, the Daddy inside me just wants to come out, and teach him, and play with him, and be the Daddy i couldn't be when we were together before.
It's those feelings that i have to keep in check.
Yes, i am a collared slave boy, I am also a switch. I do not have any bottoms to play with right now. And
Master is concerned. We do need an outlet for me to express my Top energy. The Daddy inside me hasn't
had a boy around to take care of...or teach, or beat...so around the ex-boi, i need to exercise caution.
The Universe works in incredible ways. And just when you aren't looking, it'll spring something on
you...whether "good" or "bad". Life happens. I accept the challenges, and attempt to meet them to
the best of my ability.
back to the top
|
8.26.03
2:15 p.m.
This post has been written over the last couple of days, i apologize if there is any confusion.
written 08/25/03
It's been a good day, but i didn't get as much done as i wanted. Earth: Final Conflict was on, some of the episodes i missed. When the "girls" took over, Renee Palmer, and Street. I found myself glued to the set, and then back to the puter to chase down Farscape Episodes (ones i have, ones i'm missing, and what order they are in). But that's not what i wanted to talk about...
I want to write about the aborted Scene Master and i had Saturday night. She was ready to just
let the Sadist out and take me to that Exquiste place of Pain. And i was ready to go there.
Mind, body, spirit; or so i thought. Well, the body decided not to cooperate.
She started with a little warm-up, with one of the rope floggers She has. When She gets a
good swing on it, it is thuddy, and can hurt. After the first few Hard whacks, i started experiencing nausa, and then dizziness. I tried to overcome it, but i couldn't. Body would not cooperate.
I asked Master to stop, and i reported my status. She sat down, and we talked. I was
apologizing, and felt guilty that i couldn't get myself under control. She told me that i did exactly what i was supposed to do. Report my status to Her. As Her slave this is a requirement. As Her slave, i felt i was interrupting Her "fun."
And this kind is the kind of service i am supposed to provide for Her.
We ended the session and i crawled into bed. It's been a while since we've had an intense
flogging session. There was the caning a few weeks ago, but not much since then. Part of the
guilt i experienced was because we hadn't played in awhile, and Master had a need to exercise
Her Sadistic side. But i got over it. She alleviated my guilt, and assuaged my fears, and
helped me feel better about doing the right thing.
On the flipside, Sunday night we got down to some Very Intense sex. It's been awhile for
that as well. I've been doing the breathing thing during sex lately. Moving the breath to overcome those first
waves of wanting to come. I am "voice-trained" now, and if i can get through that first intense
desire for release, i can continue pleasuring Master without harboring selfish thoughts of
coming until i am told. But it was really hard this last time. Holding an orgasm can hurt physically. And my
body was aching. I lay there in Her arms for awhile, waiting for it to subside. Then we started
again, and i had to let loose a little bit. (i didn't have a choice, body decided that's what
it was going to do). She makes allowences for those kinds of occurences.
Then, we continued fucking, and She used Her little canes on me, and kept goading me, and
just when i got into that place of selflessness, where my need was driven so far back i forgot
about it, She said those words--
"Now, i want it Now!" And i gave it to Her. As much as i could. I came so hard. Breathing
with Her, and letting my body give in to the absolute exctasy that is our love-making.
This is transformative Sex, the kind that takes me to those mind-altering places. The kind
of sex i wandered around looking for and couldn't find. There's one other person that i have
this kind of sex with. But they aren't accessible right now. I didn't expect to find it in an
Owner, or Master. It is such a deeply intimate place, and not easy to write about. All my
other experiences up to now ring just a little hollow when i compare them. But its not about
comparison. It's about right Now! What the Universe has gifted me with, and gifted Master with.
It's not just mind-blowing sex, it pushes beyond just this realm, and into places i have only
seen in dreams.
And this isn't sex based on obsessive love, or some base-driven need. This comes from such
a deep level of love and nurturing, i don't know how to put it into words. We have respect for
each other, we have desire, and mutual attraction. And when we have sex, this is somehow
translated into the above experience. And i feel very repetitive right now. I just wish i could
teach the whole world about how this feels, and where the Spirit goes with the right Partner.
Yes, i am an obedient slave-boy when it comes to serving Master. I serve Her well, and this
is the reward we both are reaping. And i have no desire for it to stop. As long as the Universe wills it.
I know some people might read this as "romantic" love. It could be, if the two of us let the
hopeless romantic sides of our personalities out. We don't. We have found that keeping the
obsessive side in check has helped the deeper level of expression to come forward. I never
thought that it could be like this. And i understand now, what people were trying to convey to
me about a more pure love. A love that isn't based on need, or the fear of losing someone.
I am not afraid that i am going to "lose" Master. I am not afraid that She will find a
better boy, or grrl or slave, that She will get tired of me and "trade" me in. I am confident
that our foundation is strong, and that the relationship can last...that includes the M/s,
the Owner-property, and the life-partnership.
It's not a confidence i am used to having. I am used to playing "doomsday kids." The sense
of the other shoe dropping. That something will happen to take all of this away. Those are the
kinds of relationships i have had in the past. And they were fear based, and obsessive, and
need-driven.
What a difference this is. It's not that we need each other. It's about WANTING to be
together. My wanting to be with Master, and Master wanting boy time. Wanting to spend time
with me when She's not at work, and on the weekends. Last night She didn't get boy time. Home
from work, dinner, then off to do the panel. And during the panel i was facilitating, so i
wasn't at Her feet, serving Her. We came home and spent some time on the couch together. And i
am doing better about being more coherent in the mornings so She can talk to me then.
(although that is still hard).
And why isn't this need driven? Because that's not the energy. The energy isn't about fear,
it's about want. And that's as clear as i can make it. I enjoy serving Master, and helping
Her. I enjoy being Her boy and Her slave. I don't have to be here. I don't HAVE to be with
Master. I want to be. I don't know if that clarifies, or complicates the definition of our
relationship. But it seems to make sense in my head.
back to the top
|
8.26.03
9:00 a.m.
I have some things to post today, but those will show up later. I have to wait for Master to
come home to read it first. There's a new entry at "it's a boy's life" about the Panel last
night, so check that out for where my thoughts are today.
First things: Today i am going to meet my ex-boi for coffee.
Then, this is what i have to get done:
- Put away clothes, organize dirty laundry
- Vacuum the floors
- dust (it's bad, it's really, really bad)
- Call Unemployment
- Work on "Dancing on the Edge of the Blade"
Seems like a lot to get done, especially when i'm waiting for a phone call...*sigh* Oh well...
that's the reason i have a list, right?
back to the top
|
8.24.03
2:15 p.m.
Written 08/22/03 7:15 p.m.
I received the judgement from Unemployment Appeals today. The judge decided to rule in my favor. Master had called during lunch, just when i was checking mail, so i opened the letter with Her on the phone. I didn't want to open it without Her around, just in case it said something different.
Winning this appeal is very important. If i hadn't i would have been found fraudulent, and owed the state + $2,300. Money we don't have. This would have been for collecting unemployment based on fraudulent reasons. Collecting funds without reporting my employment status to Unemployment.
The original Appeals decision was made because i filed for an extension on my Unemployment in April. By June i was speaking to Deputy on the telephone, who did not understand that at the time i ceased working i was taking care of my father, who had just lost my mother, his wife and companion of over 40 years. My father had never paid a bill in his life. Mom ran the financial aspects of the relationship. Also, the agency i was employed at was telling me that they did not have work for me. In this state, that is considered being laid off. (I found out during the hearing that there were shifts available, i was not offered
them).
I had read the paperwork prior to going to the hearing. However, i had no legal counsel. I understood that if i had ceased working to take care of family, this was a "compelling personal reason." I also understood that by being employed by a temporary agency, if there was no work, it was considered a lay-off, and i was supposed to still be able to collect benefits.
Apparently, the deputy i spoke to in June, concerning this case, did not understand ANY of these aspects of the law, and ruled that i was committing fraud, and owed the state money. This is the reason i appealed. If nothing else, the nature of the work, and not being able to obtain any, was not an act of committing fraud.
The judge found that i had "compelling personal reasons" for not continuing work, and that it was considered an involuntary quit. And that i was also probably under emotional stress due to the loss of my mother.
I was vindicated.
The other aspect was how nice the company representative was. He did not dispute any of my claims, nor did he try to shred me after my testimony. He had known at the time, the emotional stress i was under, especially in having to deal with my family in the aftermath of Mom's death. I was very thankful that he was so kind. I have never been in an Appeals hearing where the company rep was so civil and nice. They even asked if i wanted to come back to work.
In the judgement papers i received, the letter of the law is stated, and then in one very small sentance, it mentions that i am not disqualified from receiving unemployment. Hopefully, this means that by next week, i can start collecting the rest of my benefits. Thus alleviating some finanacial pressure off of the household, and Master.
I am very thankful to the Universe that this Hearing went in my favor. I went in, just stating my truth, and not lying. I went in without expectations. Maybe nice guys do win once in awhile. Master had sent me some feel good energy right before the hearing. And i had put aside any fear or anger. This resulted in a favorable judgement. And i am so relieved. It was like this huge weight was lifted.
Since June i had put it in the background of my mind that someone had accused me of fraud. I knew i hadn't. But still, it was there, in the back of my mind. Going through the appeals process, and winning, lifted that weight, took a ton off my shoulders. And i do feel so much better!!!
And now, about the performance! It was held at a bar called Apollo's. The Leather Lords were holding a fund raiser, and asked if i could do a little poetry. So i went. Master didn't go due to the long week She had at work. I didn't memorize the piece, but i decided to put it on 3x5 cards. ( a way i used to do my performances). I ended up losing a couple of cards, so right in the beginning, i had a glitch. However there was a daddy and a boy right there, helping to find the cards i needed, and i picked right back up. (note to self: memorize next time!)
I always feel that if i reach one person in the audience i've done my job. There was one gentleman who was very impressed with my words, and told me so. It felt good to get out and commit an act of catharsis. With an audience, not a room full of poets waiting to have their turn, and clapping just to be polite. This was a bar audience, and you never know what to expect...I managed to hold their attention, after the little flub. I had fun, and i didn't stress about it. That's the important thing...especially after having gone through the Unemployment appeals earlier in the week. I only had two days to get ready. At least i knew the poem i was going to do.
Hey, this is the way some other performance artists got started, in dingy little bars, and then they continued to bigger and better. I put out of my mind that they were younger, etc...a person can acheive what they want at any age...i keep remembering that. And i hope the Leather Lords will keep inviting me back, and at some point, i can actually put together a show, with space, and a little set, and props and everything...*sigh* some day.
Right now, i am just thankful for what i do have, for the exposure, and the friends that are in my life right now. It's a good life, and i have no complaints. Master treats me very well, and i hope that i do the same for Her. I continue to be grateful, and to remain humble about my talents, skills, and abilities.
back to the top
|
08.22.03
8:30 a.m.
It's again that time to start another new week, here at slave boy's journal...Where does the time
go?
Things to do today:
set up volunteer timerehearse for performance tonight- call music guy
get quarters so that i can...do Laundry (i have nothing to wear!)- vacuum bedroom
- remember to breathe!
I'm getting a little excited about tonight. Even though i don't have the pieces memorized, that
isn't going to be a worry. It's a fund-raising benefit for the Leather Lords. The last performance
went so well, they asked me back this time around...i am a lucky, lucky boy! Exposure is always a
very good thing. Unfortunately i don't have any books printed up...but it would be hard to sell
"Myth" to this crowd. I'm still working on the chapbook, and am not happy with the layout. I also
NEED to work on "Dancing on the Edge of the blade" so that we can get that one printed up.
Still working on the layout, and how i want it printed. I also need artwork, and i don't have the
funds to pay an artist, and i don't like the designs i've come up with...so i am slightly stymied.
It'll work out. These things always do.
This work has a life of it's own, and i firmly believe that it will sell. I have to put energy
into that every day, and not get discouraged. I need to look out for my own best interests. Poets don't
have a tendancy to get rich off poetry. That's not my intention, i just want my work out there.
And because my words are my art, i don't put them up here on this website. If you want a sample,
check out DieCast Poetry. We rotate a sample poem every week.
Back to the performance, again, exposure is a good thing no matter what. And Master believes in
the work and knows how important it is to me. To not just write, but to get out there and vocalize.
Sometimes, if i haven't done a performance, or gone to an open mic, i literally get a tightness in my
throat, in my voice box. I get edgy, and cranky. Usually that's when i know i need to get out
and DO something...anything.
Well, that's the little rant of the day. Hope everyone has a smashing morning. It's already like a
hundred degrees out there!
Any of you in the wetlands...send Arizona RAIN!!!!!!!!!
back to the top
|
