12.14.03
It's been a pretty long and fun weekend. We started out with Master's office party at a really nice resort. The people in Her office LIKE me! One of the bosses has decided to leave so it became pretty emotional. The benefit was the unlooked for Xmas bonuses Master received.
We went shopping yesterday! I'm sporting brand new Type 1 Levi jeans, and another pair of black Relaxed Fit. I got some cool new boxers, theme: coffee...and socks. Master got a new coat, new pants, and also some socks. It's amazing how much you can spend on clothes, even when you are shopping at Outlet Malls.
It was a spontaneous road trip. The outlet mall is about 50 miles out of town. We were exhausted by the time we got home. And good news: My Mistress in Texas called to let me know She has finally graduated. Two-year program, and she now has a degree in Landscape Maintenance. YAY! I wanted to be there for the graduation, but there was no way on our budget that i could have flown to Texas...
It was just good to hear Her voice. It had been months. We are really good friends, and i miss being around Her. Even though I have Master, who fulfills many needs, still, Ms. M is in my heart as well.
I've been thinking much about the slavery. About serving Master. And how right now, i feel so incapacitated. But there are other ways to serve. Obedience being one of them. I'm getting better, and starting to remember the little things. I have to track how many cigarettes a day i smoke. I keep my boy book near by at all times, to write this down. When She first told me She wanted me to do this, there was the resentment, the anger that i had to "answer" to Her about my habits. Now, it is becoming a regular habit, only after a week. It's about a shift in the mental space. I am doing this to serve Her, not to build resentment. She wants this done; it is my responsibility to do it. My responsibility to pay attention to Her needs. Whatever they may be at the moment. She is an in-the-moment Master. And sometimes has whims that need attention right away. There are times when i don't want to answer those whims, but i do it. I find the willingness in myself to give at a core level.
I got a lot of the tasks accomplished last week. I am going to get back to posting those on a regular basis. I was doing it for awhile, and after the ankle injury, well, there was really no point. I am working on a daily slave log, though that might get tedious and redundant. We'll see. I've been toying with the idea since last spring, but i'm not sure how well i might be able to maintain it. I wrote about here at some point earlier this year. We'll see if it happens.
We keep up on M. Blair's journal. She had posted that puppy was going to be on Wheel of Fortune. We marked the date, and watched it the other night. I had to jump to the phone and call my friend, and say "Turn your TV. on, you have to see this one!" (woof-woof).
That appearance has apparently caused great dialogue. We looked up the Wheel of Fortune site tonight, and saw the poll. America wants to know puppy's gender. Why does this matter? puppy is addressed as "HE", that is his gender. And the rest of the world wants to assume because even though he is wearing a suit, he has feminine qualities, therefore he is a she acting like a he.
The report is that puppy is still getting scads of email. Apparently W of F is going to be out here soon. Master asked if i wanted to be on it. If i wanted to cause such a riotous response. My answer was "I suck at that game...so No!" Besides, i cause enough dissent in our little universe. I am not an FTM, but my outward presenting image and energy is masculine. Master addresses me as "he", the chosen pronoun for me. I am a genderfuck, who also likes my grrl parts. I call myself an equal opportunity slut. (though i am slightly more picky then that). I prefer being referred to in the masculine out in public. Though i still use the women's bathroom. Not ready for the whole bathroom gender politics. I have one friend who finds it easier to use the Men's restroom. That's been an issue for me. Although, when i was thinking about the other day, i remembered the incident at Disney World a couple years ago. One of the employees said "Excuse me Sir, you can't go in there." As soon as i spoke, they realized i was biologically female, and apologized for misreading my gender. Disney bends over backwards for it's customers, and the employees aren't supposed to make mistakes like that.
And the whole thing with puppy has come about while i am reading Judith Halberstam's book "Female Masculinity." Towards the end of her introduction, she discusses bathroom politics. What an eye opener. How does someone like me, who falls in-between approach the bathroom? I've always figured, I get in, i get out, i don't worry about it. I scare the heck out of some of the straight women, hell, i scare the Lesbians too. But i am comfortable with myself, my image, and who i am. Other people can't hang with the truth. I like Judith's approach to gender. It's not a new concept. We have more then two. We live in a society that presents dualistic properties: He/She; Male/Female; Husband/Wife; Black/White. Everything has to be in the two's, and as Master likes to put it, we live in the 3'd dimension. The dualistic approach is just wrong.
However, society is structured around it. Now, i'm not going to go swing from a political bandwagon to try to get this changed, however it is bothersome that most of society cannot accept the fundamental truths about me: I am a genderfuck; I am a slave to a female Master (that's hard even in the BDSM community); I LIKE pain, i.e. i am a masochist. Most of how i live my life would upset the average everyday human being.
But, i'm ok with myself. I'm ok with my life, and i've spent many, many years becoming ok with that. I watch so many people struggle just with their core beings, just with being honest with themselves. And they get to be my age, and do not have a clue as to what they want.
I don't know what i want to be when i grow up, i don't know what kind of job i'm going to have in the next few months. I don't know how i'm going to start making money. So hey there's another aspect most people find unsettling. I'm not a capitalist...i make money sometimes, and it gets spent.
But, i'm ok with this. There are things i do that i like, and i need to learn how to make money at those things. There are things i like to do that will make money. Being a cook/chef is a great skill to have. As soon as i can get working again, i'll probably do that for awhile, because i know HOW to do it. Just to add income to the household, so we can be a bit more comfortable. (y'know the RV won't buy itself).
And in kitchens, gender isn't really an issue. I get along with most of the guys. They usually end up accepting me. It's a job i can do with minimal hassle about who and what i am at a core level.
I'm not willing to sacrifice principles for $$. My principles are more important than any job i could get. And how does this relate to gender? I can't walk into an office and get a job as a receptionist. I'm not walking into a construction site and swinging concrete (hey that's about skill level as well as gender). I have to have employment where i can just be me...and i fit outside of most people's comfortable little boxes.
That's ok...because it comes back to i'm comfortable with myself. Master accepts who and what i am. She wouldn't own me if She wasn't. And She is as concerned as i am about how to gain employment without facing all these issues. I have found over the years, because i accept myself other people accept me. If i go on an interview, i just need to remember to shave, because even though i like my chin hair, it is really scraggly, and not a full blown beard...just some hairs that like to grow, in a sporadic way. (That might be what scares the straight women in bathrooms).
Well, that’s rambling about something I would rather shape into more insightful dialogue. The gender issue is really big for me right now. Having several friends who are like me, or who have transitioned either way, and then reading a book that has an intense dialogue about alternative masculinities. Ones not built around the male perspective, but looking at females from a totally new perspective has reopened this internal dialogue.
I guess the most important thing to remember for myself is that I have learned to LIKE myself. And if I am in a funk, it isn’t about the gender issues; for me, it's about my self-esteem: am i good enough; am i serving Master well, am i a good enough artist? A good enough cook? Sometimes i need more positive strokes then necessary. And the negative self-esteem is based in the F.O.O. how i was raised, and what messages i internalized as a child.
And the older I get, the more I just don’t care what the outside world thinks. Master thinks I’m fine the way I am…I don’t need to change that. I just need to work on my behavior sometimes.
And this is all related to the M/s dynamic because it was important that I found Someone that I could serve who accepted all aspects of me. In order to own me, one must know of my complexities. I sat down with Master and laid it all out. And She accepted it. Now, She gets to deal with the consequences of saying yes. And so do i. And for the most part, they are positive outcomes.
We have a really good relationship, and it will only get better, stronger, and deeper, and probably more complex. And I like that idea.
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