12/23/03

I've been working on this piece for a few days. The topic was suggested by a friend, and then Master suggested i rewrite it a little. I dislike rewrites, but here, for your enjoyment, is a topic that is very near and dear to my heart...

Sex & slavery:

I have always been a sexual being. I used to connect sex with Ownership, thanks to the first Master I had, and the upbringing through a fundementalist religion (your husband “owns” you, it is your duty to perform for him at any time).

Because of the different relationships I’ve had in the past, and the amount of sex I have engaged in, I view sex as a bodily function; tension reliever, and a spiritual connection with the person or persons I am having sex with. It is no longer a necessary component for a relationship to last.

I had some time off from sex, and from the BDSM Lifestyle. I had time to detach from thinking that sex and slavery were synonomous. I was actually giving up on finding someone who found me attractive, and who wanted to be with me, and with whom I was compatible. And then I met Master.

In an M/s dynamic, communication is very necessary. It builds a foundation of trust. The core aspect of my slavery to Master is about trust and the Principle of Transparency. It is about being honest, and open. Communicating all aspects of myself. If I were relying solely on sex to sustain me through this relationship, I would be highly dissappointed.

Service is an important aspect of my slavehood. Am I serving Master in the way She desires? Has She communicated to me what Services I need to be rendering? Am I performing tasks in the manner in which She wants? Am I being respectful?

I have many skills. Paying attention isn’t one of them. Obedience is sometimes in question.

Over the years I have come to redefine what slavery and service mean for me. Master Values me. She VALUES me. Not because I can perform keen kinky tricks, but because She has found in me something that resonates within Her. We match. And as hard, and as draining as it can be when our emotions are running high, and we have disagreements, I remember that She VALUES me.

If Ownership was based in the sexual aspects of our relationship, I would be feeling very unowned right now. Since we have had infrequent sex during all the injuries and ailments, Master has been very good at letting me know that She appreciates me in Her life. I even took the sexual initiative the other night, because we were both at what I call “critical mass.” I don’t initiate sex very often.

Sometimes, I’m not in the mood for sex. Sometimes it would just be too draining. Master will say “I want to fuck you.” And gauges my reactions. If I’m not responsive, She knows it’s a no go. If I get all cute and ready, well then there ya are! But it is never a requirement that if She is in the mood for sex, and I’m not, I still have to perform. That is about responsible Ownership. That is Her looking out for the slave.

Being owned is about the process of Surrender. I surrender myself to Her Authority. I follow Her direction. Being owned is about giving your life over to someone else, literally. It is answering to someone every single day. All of my actions, everything I do is because Master allows it. When I eat, smoke, pee, the money I spend, sex I might want to have outside the relationship. There are those areas of my life, still that She does not have absolute control over. Those are things like my artwork, and the process of my recovery.

If I have completely surrendered, then She owns everything about me: Including my sex and sexuality. Sex isn’t the reason She owns me, it is a benefit of owning me. It is actually an immense relief to me to not believe that sex equals ownership. It was a burden I carried for many years.

If I wrap all of my ego into my sexual prowess, and that is what I base my relationship on, then I am not participating fully in the process of learning and growing with my Master.

12.17.03

It's a new week. I'm working on an essay inspired by a friend, sparked by some email conversation. It'll be ready later today.

Just wanted to say that i've been having a hard time getting up in the mornings. Back to that "don' wanna, don' need to." They haven't called about physical therapy on my ankle yet. We went out shopping last night, and it just started hurting really bad. Master wanted to look at more clothes and i couldn't take it. We still had the pet store to deal with.

I don't like all this unnecessary pain in my body. The good news is the hands are responding to the lamasil again. Also Ms. M gave me some herbals to start taking. So i'm on echinacea purpurea, and calandula extract. For those of you who haven't taken herbal extracts, let me just say...EEEWWWW!!! But i know it is benefitting me. So i keep it up.

I'm frustrated because i want to be baking right now, pies and quick breads, and giving some to my friends. But i can't because of the fungus amongus, and the ankle...grrrrr!!!

Not much in the department of the M/s dynamic to report. Just working on the obedience thing. I got most of my stuff done yesterday. And i don't have much to do today. There are things i NEED to get done, but it ain't happening right now. I think it'll wait until we get back from our trip. Four days in cold weather. Master keeps looking at the weather reports and telling me what the temperatures are...i really don't need to know. And in that regard, i will be offline for those few days and not posting. I'm sure there will be a Kansas report when i get back...

During shopping, I got a nice warm thermal shirt, cream colored. It’s slightly on the large side, but that’s good in case it accidentally gets shrunk. We found out something really good. Master paid off Her car with this month’s car payment. Myrtle is all Hers now! That means financially we have just a little more flex every month. It feels good. The Universe is being kind to us. We don’t get everything we want, but we seem to get what we need. When i say Master and I are a good match, that’s part of it. The Universe seems to like our being together. At those moments where it might just get a little desperate, then that give comes along. i really haven’t had that happen in other relationships. Not much anyway. It’s a good sign.

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