july

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DM's Realm

07.12.03

Waiting for beans to cool down...

Well, if you go to the html daze page, you'll get to read all about my angst in building this site!

Master is still sick...The fever is reducing, but still snuffly and sneezy. And not very good at giving direction. i maybe taking advantage of this situation. i hope not. i need to put clothes away, maybe vacuum the bedroom, clean the kitchen and possibly scrub the floor. Then again, i have the feeling Master wants me close to Her, even though She doesn't want to make boy sick.

07.07.11.03
11ish a.m.

Master is sick right now. This is the first day She's taken off from work since She started, and after our vacation.

And it's not for fun! DARN!

That's ok...

i've finally got the website where i want it, and except for specific things it's working to satisfaction. email me if any one notices any glitches.

Went to the boy's meeting last night. There were four of us, YAY! Five when the new guy showed up. We are the volunteer group for the SW Leather Sir & Leather boy contest. i got the position of Prop Master!

It's going to be an exciting weekend. I missed the big boy's convention in LA over July 4th weekend, but one of the boys came back with a wonderful report, including ideas on how to improve our group.

I am really tired. Stayed up late last night, just to remind myself that it is something i don't want to do on a daily basis any more. It wiped me out! Ok so i am not 20 any more! Other than that it is a quiet and relaxing day. I've got to do some laundry...(yippee) and clean the kitchen, and make sure Master is taken care of...She doesn't want to get me all germy...probably too late for that.

At least i'm not getting sick any more, this is a good thing. (check the june archives.

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07.09.03
8:30 p.m.

Dinner tonight. Yummy, yummy Enchiladas with homemade sauce that i had made awhile ago...very, very fresh corn tortillas, potatos, veggie crumbles, onions, some small sweet peppers, the colored kind, and garlic, always garlic!

Master said "Yummy!"

My tummy said "Yummy!"

And they were expando food. The kind that after you eat half of, it grows in your belly until you think that you'll never eat it all... This slave is still very, very full.

Reading singletails tonight...didn't have time to catch up over the weekend, or the last two days. Adventuring into html can do that to me. I ignore all but what i am focused on.

I like singletail's Scene descriptions. The ones He wants to do. I like the fact that He mentions Jackson Pollack. I like His minimalist approach.

I too am a minimalist. I like life simple, simple in it's existance, complex in it's emotional and spiritual sense.

I wouldn't want to live alone either. I don't any more. Yet Master and i both hold the concept of a larger household. A sense of true community. After we get back from traveling around the country in an RV.

What do i want now, and what do i want five years from now? To grow in love. To grow in service to Master. Growing in artistic expansion. and growing spiritually. Besides these things, i make no demands from the Universe. I ask only that i be surrounded by quality people who have like minds.

i like SingleTail. i like girfag, even though i haven't met them.

i like M. Blair...must write about the Ritual Cutting demo that we experienced. That was not just hot, but incredible to experience in the energy exchange...

The people in my life on a daily basis are people of quality. "Stick with the Winners."

I've slugged through so much. Fought through so many walls to be where i am now... i don't want to slide back. i don't want to revert to what i was when i first moved back to the Valley.

I know Master won't let me slide down that far.

So, lucky boy gets to move forward, and grow in all sorts of ways. And i like that idea...

i'm not even gonna hold onto my seat...i like the way a vortex feels when you are spinning in it, around and around, getting all giddy and excited from? Just from the experience.

Maybe that's what makes me a boy? Maybe that's why even though i am a switch, bottom energy is the dominant force in my life. I don't have a driving, consuming need to control every aspect of my life. And i actually prefer to have some level of guidence, whether it is a Master, or a spiritual guide. (never mind the whole resistance to authority thing, i've written loads about that).

For right now, the main goal is Trust. Apparently trusting Master has come up again...and well, i don't want to say i don't trust Her. It's not about Her right now...it's a spooky, bad time of Year for me (see entry below), and i am working very hard to not let it consume me. I don't have a lot of trust in other people and other things sometimes...especially with how the F.O.O reacted after my niece's death. Knowing this...i slug through the issues, to be of better service to Her. If i trust the Universe, then i trust Her...Right?

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07.08.03
11 p.m.

Master and i talked tonight. i did so well at surrendering last week, and paying attention-again-this week, not so good. She poked and prodded. i may not be perfect in the obedience department, but i excel in the honesty area. Master IS NOT my therapist. But She can get me to look inside.

What's bugging me? why am i spending mega hours writing html again, instead of meeting the requirements of my day? The obsessive side of my brain shuts everything else out...even service to Master. It is something i can do to avoid emotions, at least it's constructive. At least i'm not hurting myself or other people. Visually pursuing this venue keeps my brain occupied that way i don't have to slide into the images that want to intrude.

Two years ago, on July 20th, i lost my niece to a violent head on collision in Utah. The truck burned. I spent some time afterward in destructive behavior. In coming out of that, there was Master. Last year at this time i was moving in with Her, integrating cats, and stuff into Her household.

I didn't have time to think, and when the images came up, i pushed them aside, went to meetings, and talked to Master about the pain. It was a closed casket funeral. My head plays tricks with me, like maybe she's not dead...maybe it was someone else in the truck, and she's off living in Montana somewhere.

I know that's not true.

So working on this website keeps my head occupied. Takes care of the compulsive nature of my being. i am expressing in a non-destructive environment.

(continued from last night)

My brain can create and look at other images and not make up the ugly ones that want to intrude. I keep a monster at bay. And Master asked, so out with it.

There it was. During the spring, i had the same thing happen. Determined to learn html, i pushed everything else aside, and for several weeks, pursued this experience.

But i didn't have a website to show for it. Just some tweaking on my blog. And an off-line site that i may or may not reveal. That was to keep emotions at bay. Emotions about my mom's death, about distancing myself from the F.O.O. and about letting go of my childhood religion, officially.

i've had a full plate. Now, i need to feel these emotions, and not push them away. I need to process on deeper levels, so i can clear the energy.

So i can be of more use to Master.

So i can continue to serve.

This is what happens when She asks these questions. Raw, open honesty. Truthfulness that is bittersweet.

And it comes from a place of love, not anger. And She asks to determine if i need correction or not. If She understands what is behind the behavior, sometimes there's a very good reason. She believes in responsible Ownership.

There are some things this boy would love to run away from.

Instead. I turn, stare the Demon in the eye, and brace myself. I let the Demon eat me, and swallow me. In the belly of the beast there is comfort. I am then evacuated. I come out whole, and stronger for my efforts. For i take some of the Demon's strength with me.

This i give back to Master, in the throes of a "Scene", and we are both rewarded.

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07.08.03
11:15 a.m.

So not much new. Got the site looking very well. Expected Master to be upset about yesterday...but we made it through There are times i am very good at surrendering, and other times i am not. Last week was a good example of surrendering. This week we are off to a rocky start...

It's ok though. It is a daily process. I relate the Surrender to the recovery process i am in. It is literally one day at a time sometimes, one moment at a time. Master is very good at gauging this!

I don't like getting into trouble. I know She loves this slave very much, and i am grateful for that...I am working on a piece about de-romantizing S/M. It is no place for romantics. Can you imagine? i know people do this, and maybe for a time, earlier in my life i was guilty of this...(i was). But now, it is about serving and finding that true self buried underneath all of Society's crap, all of the childhood programming i received, all of the day-to-day living we have to do. Once i've dug under, and unburied what i don't like in myself, i can surrender that to the Universe, and give Master 110% of boy!

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07.07.03
7:30 p.m.

So it seems i am licking this html thing. Showed Master what i did today and She was very pleased.

Those of you following my journal know how upset i am at blogger. I have finally created a website where i can post what i want, when i want, without any other server hassles but my own.

The site is still in progress. i'll have the archives done in the next few days. If any of you have links to good, thought-provoking, and informative bdsm links, please, please email them to me! I have lots of people to thank for their websites out there. By looking at them, and the html code, i was able to create this journal... keep reading, and, keep writing!

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