july

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DM's Realm

07.21.03
7:45 a.m

What an experience last night! We had a couple friends come in from Las Vegas and stop over. We hadn't seen C in almost a year, and she brought Her slave with her, whom i've never met. We had planned last year for her to do a piercing on me, since i've never participated in blood sports before. I always knew when the time was right it would happen. I've also wanted a cutting done now for two years (at least). Blood sports used to be a hard limit for me, until i started watching them, really until i got my tattoos, and realize d needles weren't so bad.

C is experienced, and has pierced and cut many people that Master knows. I saw an example first hand last year, when another friend came to visit us right after Thunder. But circumstances prevented the event from happening.

Well, they dropped by, and we were talking, and her slave and her were talking about the piercings She does on him. And my boy brain went "ding, ding, ding!" We had been sent some supplies, but Master isn't comfortable yet with Her skill level to either pierce or cut this boy. i mentioned that we had some supplies, and if Master wouldn't mind, and if C was up to it, (after the long drive from Las Vegas), it would be an appropriate day for this to happen.

I was thinking Piercing. Want to feel the needles, want to know what this rush is all about. But for me it's not about the pain, or even the blood, it's about an energy release. It was the 2nd anniversary of my neice's death. I was thinking, what a way to take that back. What a way to reclaim myself, and this time of year. After seeing M. Blair at APEX, talking about ritual cutting and blood letting, and making sure that one has something specific in mind, i knew what it was i wanted in this event. And a very special one since i am a "virgin" to this particular activity. When C started looking over our supplies, and saw the blades, She and Master started discussing a cutting as well...i was mentally set for needles, and started shifting to be ready for the blade as well.

We got the space set up and everything ready. I asked C if it was ok if we documeted our activities. Being a videographer i want documentation of these occasions in my life. Master let me videotape a Hot Wax Scene one night. We watched it right after, and it was hot! We engaged C's slave by having him press the record button on the camera. (What i wouldn't give for a competent camera person/slave!) One cannot be the subject and the documentor at the same time...

C had me lay down, and breathe, lots of breathing. We put on Carlos Nakai (special to me because of the sounds he produces). And i breathed, and relaxed and centered and focused, on Her, on the energy, on the release.

Before i knew it the first needle was in. I hardly even felt it. It punctured the skin, went through to the other side, and it was done. I felt it stretching skin, but it didn't Hurt. The second one was a bit harder, and i felt the sharpness. The third one went in, and She made that one hurt. The fourth one was a lot more pain, slower, and more deliberate. Through each piercing, we breathed together, and She made sure i was relaxing. She checked in to make sure i was still "here." I held onto Master's foot while this was going on, grounding myself in the surety that She was there too.

It takes an incredible amount of trust for me to allow someone to wound me like this. And since it was the first time, it needed to be someone whom i have a close energy bond with. That it was C, that it was the day it was, well, it all just felt right.

Then we were going on to the cutting. Master, at first had something more elaborate in mind, but we settled on stylized initials of Her name. I relaxed into C, and let the moment take me, releasing the fear that i have held about engaging in this level of bdsm. I cannot call this kind of a thing a "Scene" or "Play." It was neither. It was an event, an occasion, a rite of passage for me.

She was doing the cutting freehand. C is an artist. I wasn't even worried about the skill or the art. I was releasing the fear of feeling the first cut.

And it came, i wanted to scream, but she is so deft at handling the blade the strike was through me by the time my brain wanted to hurt her back. I just kept the breath going. I had grabbed Master's leg, a little too hard, so she made sure Her hand was out for the rest of the cutting.

Long strokes and short ones, with a break in between. When she was done with the D, i needed her to stop for a few minutes so that i could drink some water, and let go of some of the pain. It was amazing to have a small circle of people to release that energy too. C's slave was a great "catcher." Shock absorber, call it what you want. i realize at some point that i could throw the energy at him, and he could deal with it. During the break we talked a bit, and he was watching because he has yet to have a cutting done. Watching his Master cut on me, with my Master watching was a good experience for him (he's really, really new to all of this). We went back to the cutting. She timed the strokes with my breath. And on the last one, i was so ready to run, but i was so elated that i had let this happen to myself. I kept wanting to "check out", to go flying...but i don't fly during pain. I like to stay present, i like to experience the sensations. And this was about letting go of all the built up negative energies in me about this time of year.

And it was a great experience. I've got Master's mark on me now, on my chest, right between my breasts. I have had the experience of needles going into my body, and coming out.

C left the needles in me while doing the cutting. So they had to come out at some point. She let me relax from the pain, and then it was time to take them out. That was a rush. Even though i have heard the sensation described, it is one that a person has to experience to understand. I don't even know how to describe it here. It was like all the blood rushing, the endorphines kicking in to counter-act the pain, the mixing with the pain of the cutting, and the pretty pretty letters on my chest. I thanked C over and over again for the experience, and i could tell that her slave was grateful to have watched it.

There is something about spontaneous scenes. About engaging in activity that is not preplanned that i thoroughly enjoy. It's not just the element of surprise. It's that i don't have any preconcieved notions. I don't have time to get scared or make stuff up in my head. It all becomes more energized because on the spur of the moment, it is decided that this or that will happen. It's how most of Master's and mine scenes come about. They aren't these elaborate drawn out, pre-planned engagements. She wants to beat me, i'm getting beat. She wants to use me, i get used. I have no time to dwell on what might go right, what might go wrong. Only time to process the immediacy of the event.

Sometimes pre-planned activity is good, especially for more complex engagements. But i have found, that between us, the spur of the moment, living in the now of something works to our advantage.

I am privileged enough to have a Master who is a voyeur, who likes watching things happen to her boy. I am privileged enough to have a Master who allows Her boy to gain the experiences i have been lacking in my life. And with what has been going the last couple of weeks, this is especially important, because She could have chosen to say no. But because this was something we were going to do last summer, She let C do this for me, because of the trust between us, and because She like to watch. It wasn't about the boy, it was about the boy experiencing something She enjoyed watching.

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07.19.03

It's been an interesting sort of two days. I haven't posted anything, simply because i haven't had anything to write about. After all the work on the website, i think i'm just a wee bit burned out...but ready to do a bit more work on it...

I'm working on the issues of service and surrender in regards to Master. I've been in boy space so much the last two weeks. i haven't been in that slave space i was able to get to for a week. What is the difference? I know i posted it before, over and over, that boy wants to do what boy wants to do. The slave in me wants to be of service and obey Master. I haven't been able to that the last several days. Well Friday i was able to complete the "To Do" list. And run an extra errand!

But today? Today was really bad. I took almost an hour to accomplish something that should have been simple, and consequently Master's plans were disrupted.

I keep thinking, i promise i'll get better, i promise i'll get better...and then something in my brain slips...and Master, being the responsible Owner, doesn't want to push the wrong buttons when i'm like this, and cause an unnecessary bad reaction.

Maybe one day the "buttons" will go away, and i'll be able to be 100% service, and not a selfish boy. Surrender is, literally, a daily thing for me. Sometimes hourly. I like to keep taking my power back. With the anniversary of the Collaring coming up, one would think i would be a bit more grateful to be in the service of such a quality Master.

i am, i just don't act like it a hundred percent of the time.

The point is that i continue to surrender, and give myself to Her. And serve Her to the best of my ability for the moment i am in.

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07.17.03

I met with music guy today. We met last week in regards to creating a spoken word cd. He gave me examples of the mixing he's done previously with other performance artists. Needless to say i was impressed. Since he's been the first person who has approached me on creating a spoken word cd, i took him up on the offer.

We have schedules that are conducive to working together. He's got the bells and whistles, i've got the drive to create a spoken word cd. He comes with the right price; the love of doing something creative.

I'm pretty excited, but i'm not jumping up and down for joy just quite yet. I'm going to see what he creates for me, and then we'll go from there. If all goes well, i might have a cd in a couple months to sell...that would be so rad!

We laid down some rough tracks at the coffee house. Of course there's noise in the background, and people talking, but it's just something for him to go by. When he has rough sketches ready, then we'll go in the studio and do it for reals.

This is an important part of the process because it's phase II of "Catharsis." Even though the first book is titled "Catharsis", the rest of the project goes under that title...it's like the umbrella. It's why i created diecast poetry productions.

I like being in this creative phase. Getting the website running, working on the books, getting ready to host an erotic reading Hot Enough.

It's good to not be depressed and to have stuff to stay busy with, so i don't think about the depressing things around this time of year. Well, that's the update for today. Check out the sleek symmetry i've worked out on the website. I think i finally got a handle on consistancy!

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07.16.03
5:45 p.m.

"Acts of Discovery"

Acts of discovery through the creative process...

Its a rule that creating gets compounded, in relation to this website.

So, i'm building this website, and it's out there in the big bad land of websites, and internet mania--but as i build it, and think about it, and look at it, it changes. It isn't growing in an exponential way, i'm not over-loading pages with bells, and whistles, buttons, knobs, whatchamacallits, or thingymabobbers. I'm just rethinking what i have already done.

So, i asked Master why this keeps compounding. She said "like any creative process, it's the act of discovery." Creative process? My intention when i got around to building my site was to showcase my creativity. This is a creative process for me.

For some people html and css is a technical process. Put as many thingymabobber and whatchamacallits on the website. (check out gnome girl as an excellent example of this).

For me it is this act of discovery. With all the drawings and photographs i have, that i will eventually get around to showcasing, and my chronic writer's syndrome, this site is all about the ART and CREATIVITY.

07.16.03

i've made an editorial decision with this website. Instead of creating archives from my past blogs, and off-line journals, i will link life perspectives to past musings. I am keeping the past musings page for archiving starting with the month of June (since i already went to the trouble of archiving those files).

If you are interested in what i have written before, check these archives out. I really didn't write much off-line either, with everything that was happening in my life. So it really isn't worth the time it would take to recreate those archives.

i will, when time allows, post other journal entries that i have written in the past, and that i feel belong on this site.

I have taken it's a boy's life blog, and created a new web-page for those entries. i will incorporate new boy encounters on these pages, and archive those when appropriate.

i hope this doesn't upset you, dear reader. It is my website after all, and i have the control to change it with whatever whim moves me.

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