11.04.03
11:30 a.m.
Very, very bored. I can sleep basically in only one position. I'd been sleeping on the couch because Master didn't want to inadvertantly hurt my foot. So last night, i went to the bedroom to sleep with her. By 12:30 a.m. i hadn't been able to sleep, so i ended up on the couch again, drinking some tea and watching "Voyager." Slept on the couch and got up a little after 10:00 a.m.
The servant is supposed to be here sometime tonight, but i haven't heard from her, so i have no idea when to expect her. It's a long drive from Denver to Phoenix. And i asked for a phone call before she left. *sigh* I just love waiting.
And it will relieve the boredom to have someone around. I asked a friend if she wanted to come hang out, but she's working this week. (her schedule varies).
"Matrix Revolution" starts this week. We supposedly have a DVD/VCR combo on the way as well, and we plan to have a "Matrix" party. Master has the first DVD, and we'll rent "Reloaded", and then go see "Revolution." I've been wanting to see "Reloaded" again because it is so loaded with symbolism, and esoteric references. If you don't have a background in theology and philosphoy, most of that movie will slip by you. Fortunately, my studies have included the beginnings of christianity and gnosticism. After watching the movie, Master looked up articles on-line. We found out that the filmmakers included these references on purpose.
Tonight is the episode of "Eight Simple Rules" where they deal with the death of the father played by John Ritter. I haven't written about his dying. It came at the same time as Johnny Cash, and a couple other people. The media put out so many biographical shows on Ritter. It was a hard loss. Ritter was one of my favorite TV stars. He even made an appearance on "Buffy." (Evil robot dating Mom). So i plan to watch. Even though i didn't watch the show last year, i caught the few episodes prior to his death. It also has Katey Sagal of "Married with Children" fame, and who does the voice of Leela on "Futurama." Also one of my favorite tv stars. She also works on "King of the Hill." So i'll watch. It comes at a time where i am going through stuff about my mom dying last year at this time. It might provide a distraction. It might be hard. But i think it will be good for me.
I'm going to make some mayonnaise today, and salsa. And then sit some more with my foot up. That's about all i can do right now. I need to make a dr. appt. to follow up. Less then a week and i get to see the Specialist about my hands...yippee!!!
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11.03.03
2:30 p.m.
Lots of things have been developing. I'll write about what happened a couple weeks ago, and then what is happening now.
Master knows how much i love chains. I'm an industrial sort of boy. Chains and leather, warehouse settings. (Which is why i really like the series Angel, loads of that stuff).
So we went out to the local Home Depot and bought some chain to lock me up with. We had a Dungeon Party coming up, but this wasn't just for "show". Our life together isn't about showing off, it's about LIVING 24/7 and doing what feels right between us.
Then i had to go out and find some locks. It's very hard to find small plain silver locks. I ended up at Sears buying Master locks that are black and gold, and say Master on them. Very appropriate. (Where can you find plain silver locks???).
Master chained me up, legs, hands, and lengths in between. It felt good to be bound the way i have fantasized about, and the in the way She wants to see me. I spent some time in the chains, almost naked. It helped with slave head space. It helped to remember that i belong to Her.
The chains are not totally locked together, there are ways i could take them off myself. It's not about the bondage, being totally secured. It's about the symbolism. Like the collar, the chains keep me centered, keep me focused on who and what i am. It also helps Her, i am sure, when She locks the chains in place, when She claims me for Her own, again, and again.
The Dungeon party was rather strange, and had lots of weird energy. We tried to have some heavy interaction but could not secure the necessary connection between us in order for me to take high amounts of pain. We haven't had much interaction at home, due to what has been going on, my hands, her sister, work, life. So we both needed to connect in order to process the interaction. After a while, we finally gave up.
Master put me in the cage, at my nudging. This is the first time She had me in a cage. Ok, there was the time last year, at Pride, but it was only for a few minutes. This was for quite awhile. The door wasn't locked, so i could have gotten out, and one of the bars on the top was missing, and i popped up a couple times, just until i knew i almost crossed a line. Finally, She let me out.
I am not big on captivity at all. I'd rather be bound than caged. She likes cages. (I think it has something to do with less work than bondage...but that's just a guess). So this was an experiment into how i would feel in the cage. Knowing i could get out alleviated the huge fear of being left and forgotten. And i think i've seen too many serial killer movies. Well, the ones i've watched has the victims in captivity, until they are killed. So it brings that sort of fear to the surface for me. Caging and captivity equate with serial killer mentality. But, in the cage, at the Dungeon, i let myself find trust in Her, that she wouldn't push past my limit, that she wouldn't forget about me. And knowing that it was something She enjoyed helped quell the negative connotations for me.
After that, we decided to take off. Even though it was a weird night, with aborted Heavy S/M, the caging evened some of it out. And prior to any of that, a brother of mine and i did a pinning, in the traditional Old Guard style. And that was just hot. Some licking boots of her Grrl happened, and asking permission to do the pinning. I still have incredible images in my mind of what transpired between us. That will go into "boy's life" when i get around to writing about it. She belongs to D.U.C., and i am with the Phoenix boys of Leather. We had planned on doing the pinning for quite awhile. When i became a full member, i got my pin, and we had the time, and it was a very special occasion for all of us. (Master and Her grrl were included in the "Scene").
On to other things.
With my very sprained foot, and dermatitis-ridden hands, we have so much around the apartment that needs taken care of. We have had an offer of help, from someone Master knew prior to my coming into Her life. This is a slave/servant person, who has wanted a chance to come be with us. After much discussion, and processing, we both agreed that we would accept the offer of help.
She will be under my direct supervision. Master is at work all day. This will be my first time serving in the capacity of Alpha boy. We've both decided that it is a good opportunity for a test run on how we will deal with a multiple household. I'm both excited, and have some fear surrounding this. The fear is being able to direct someone, and not goof off. Or directing them, and not abusing them. I have a bit of history. As Master reminded me, i am answerable to her about what gets done, and how it gets done.
Since theoretically, j isn't serving in any other capacity, we won't be testing the boundries of S/M interaction or sexual interaction. j will be serving strictly as a house servant. So i don't have any other doubts or fears about what is going to transpire.
And it is a short term agreement. Up to two weeks. So it's not like it's a "forever" thing. I just wish i could get over this having doubts about anything. I want to have confidence in myself, and know that this is the right thing, and i'll treat her well, and i'll be able to get the things accomplished that Master needs done. So, no fear, no doubt. I'm rather glad we have agreed to accept the offer. Maybe it will alleviate some of the guilt i've been having about not being able to accomplish stuff
around the house due to the dermatitis (which has flared severely in the past couple days).
So that's the news. Pretty big things. The foot/ankle is healing, slowly. I've been on Motrin 800's. It relieves some of the pain. But not all of it. Being a recovering addict, i didn't need anything stronger.
Lots of positive thoughts please, for the ankle to heal. It has put a big dent in our sex life, and
in my ability to service Master as the masochist...miss that, lots!!!
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