10.06.03
8:45 a.m.
i'm still processing the conversation that Master had with me yesterday. I'm working on not taking it too personally, and feeling like i am in Her way. It was about Her, and Her feelings, and what She needs to do to further Her life. It wasn't about me, and what i am or am not doing to help Her be happy.
I came into this relationship knowing what i want. I came into it, knowing it was Her first live-in relationship ever. I also understand the danger of relationships, and how people get so entangled that they forget about themselves. And She did that. And i have offered suggestions on what to do to for Her to get back to Herself. There is nothing wrong about taking time off to figure things out. There is nothing wrong in working on Healthy aspects of living. I am an advocate of this. Know what you want, figure out how to get it, then pursue that.
It's been what my life is about. I don't have some things that i want, and i can't figure out how to get them, but i do have so much more then i ever expected.
We have a good life together. We work well together. The problem was about during the last few weeks i feel out of synch with Master. Not conforming to Her wishes. Not doing what She wants me to do. I have felt that i am not a good slave, and that my selfishness is exceeding the need to serve Her. I feel this has been in the way of developing a closer M/s relationship. And it makes my brattiness want to come out. Relationships are tricky, ANY relationship. And the M/s dynamic IS a relationship. Two people interacting at very intense levels. There are areas to negotiate, to traverse through, needs and wants and desires on both sides, and when those don't match up, well then, it is time to work on that relationship and get it back on track.
The problem is that i am lazy sometimes. I don't want to do the work. It's some one else's turn. I've done a lot of work, on myself, on my interactions with other human beings. I don't want to be the counseler/guide/advisor. I just want to be, and do those things that make boy happy. And that is what came up. Master expressed jealousy over my "free time." It would be great if i were being more productive with that free time, but with the state of my hands i can't be. I can't even serve Her by cleaning house, and making our environment nicer. And it's frustrating. I'm not working, because i can't with the state of my hands. I feel all icky and useless. She tells me i'm not, but that's how i feel. So jealousy over the time i have seems a bit odd. I know She was expressing feelings. And it's good that She can, and can be honest with me. I respect that, i really do. Still, now i want to go crawl in a hole, and not come back out for a very long time, because She is in an emotional state, partly because i am in Her life. But there was no blaming. She didn't say it was my fault that She is feeling this way. We didn't fight, we talked it out, and we went out for dessert later.
Part of why i haven't been writing is because much of my thought process is towards Her, and how to Help Her out of this sandtrap. And i can't. I can only be there for Her. Also it's not fair to put how other people are doing/feeling, in MY public journal. However, this is part of the Process. Part of the relationship dynamic. Therefore, i do need to write about it, and get it out there so it doesn't tear me apart either. And i am still a bit confused, because i am not necessarily what Master wanted in a slave, but i am what She needed in a relationship. The Universe works in funny ways. We'll be ok, as long as we keep talking, and find healthy ways through the maze of emotions, and the journey of a relationship.
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10.02.03
Well, i'm a day behind on updating the website, but that's just because i've been running around, and being out in the world, as opposed to hiding in the apartment, not interacting with anyone. This is a good sign. That i feel like interacting with other human beings.
This is going to be short, i'll write more tomorrow. Just wanted to say hi to everyone, and let you know that i'm ok. I have an exciting thing going on with DES. They have placed me in a re-training program. Apparently they are even going to pay for some schooling. What schooling i don't know. I have two more weeks before i find out. But it seems cool. And six more weeks before i see the dermatologist. This is a long friggin wait. And i ain't happy about it!
*sigh* I will perservere! More later.
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