10.13.03
8:00 a.m.
I've been dealing with some emotional stuff. Last week Master kept asking me what was going on. I hadn't formulated, nor could i, respond to the question...because i wasn't sure.
So Thurs. night, we were in bed, and She was reading, and i decided to respond to the question. And let Her know what i had figured out. Apparently, i picked the wrong time to say to Her what was on my mind. It was a difficult time. Neither of us were communicating well. What came up is that i have a level of very impotent rage. It felt generalized, and over nothing. And what came out was that i was angry over my mom's death. We are coming up on a year since she died. And a year since i got the first phone call, that led to hospital visits, doctors, bypass surgery, and then her death.
Anger is a part of the grieving process. I never properly grieved my niece's death, so i have the double whammy. Anger about both of them dying. What i said to Master was that i didn't understand why i was feeling this way. My mom was not particularly nice to me over the years. So why do i feel like this. And the answer is, it is part of the process. She was a force in my life. Something to contend with, and the woman who brought me into this world. In her passing, i am going to have all the stages of grieving, whether i like it or not.
Also, that particular day was the birthday of a childhood best friend, who died when i was in my early twenties. I'm not trying to have all these psychological issues. But with the way my process works, when it comes up, i have to deal with it. If i stuff what i am feeling it builds into a much bigger, uglier explosion. And Master had been asking me.
Once identified, i felt compelled to answer Her question. Since i couldn't before, at the point in time when the question was asked. Transparency is a large part of our communication process. I feel bad when i don't adhere to it, i also have immense confusion when i can't identify the emotions going on with me.
Out of all the therapy i have had over the years, and the self-help study i have done, i ought to be able to know exactly what is going on with myself. But this process, dealing with death and dying, is new to me. And different. Because how can you get mad at someone who is dead? It isn't their fault, that's just part of nature. And i already did the being mad at God thing when my niece died, so i'm not going there again. So this rage, this anger, that makes me want to lash out, and hurt people, and be destructive becomes impotent. Turns inward. Wants to shred the stability of my life with Master.
And i refuse to let it do that. So find an outlet for the anger, find a way to let the steam off, without Destructo being ever so present in my life. I haven't yet, but there are ways for me to deal with the rage constructively. And i know it will subside, eventually. I know that this is just emotions and feelings over situations i have no control over. And as long as i have a name for it, and know what it is, it won't cause any lasting damage in the relationship.
I serve Master. I am devoted to Her. I haven't been the best boy, or the best slave the last few weeks. And i have been working on changing that. But until i could identify the barrier to better service, i couldn't change it. Now i can. And work towards more obedience, and focusing on Her. I don't serve my emotions, i serve Master.
Our lives are not a novel, a work of fiction. Our lives are real (ok, define real...for you existentialists out there). I am not some slave She picked up who came with all the bells and whistles. I am a human being who had a life before Her. I am a person who only just let my slave heart out again after burying it for so many years. And like i said to Master, in the grander scheme of things, we have been together only a short period of time. I am not ready to throw this away over something like emotions that have nothing to do with being with Master. I am not going to give up, just when it is time to dig around and pull out more of that slave heart. She's been having doubts too. But that is exactly the point we both need to lock in what we are doing together. How this works, why it works, and what it means for Her, and for me. If it really wasn't working, i'd be acting out a lot more, and would have already asked for release. At some level it is working, because when that thought comes into my head, i recoil from it, and try to find a different way to deal with what i am going through. I know that most of my problems are not because of this M/s relationship, they are because i am a human being with a lot of life prior to Master. She too, is a human being, who is only just learning to express the Master side of Herself. I look at the examples in our immediate view, and we know some long term M/s couples. I look at the years they've been together, and how long that must have taken to develop. And it is still in progress. And that is what gives me hope.
The journey of the Master and the Slave is not a static process. I don't see it as getting to a plateau, and then staying there, watching all the other people struggle as we find happiness and joy in our chosen expression. It is a living, growing, changing, fluid journey. One that will not always need defining, but one that will always need to be nurtured and cared for. One that will always need attention, and some time to figure out.
If it were a static journey we wouldn't have all these blogs, and people writing online about the process of the Master/slave journey. We wouldn't have workshops, and books, and other people to talk to about what we are doing in this kind of a relationship. If it were a static journey, well it wouldn't be a journey then, and it wouldn't involve growth and change for the people involved.
I know that through this emotional tryst, i still carry the devotion of my Master in my heart. And if that very human part of myself has not been able to be a good slave, the deeper, more internal part of me still can. And once i clear the deadwood, and can see out again, the slave part of me will be out on the surface again, being obedient, and serving Master and Her wishes and whims.
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