10.29.03

Well, i thought i'd give myself a little treat and go up to Lake Pleasant yesterday. I've been wanting to go for a long time, but hadn't made the trip. It's only like 40 minutes from where we live. It's pretty, and has lots of saguaros and desert vegatation. And since it's out of season and a weekday, not very many people. There's also incredible mountains surrounding the lake.

I went up to the north end, took off my socks and shoes, paddled in the water. There was no one else around where i was, so i shucked my shirt too, to get a little sun. (Yes, i am lizard boy).

After laying there for about an hour, i decided to go explore other parts of the lake. It's a big area, lots of places to go exploring and hiking. There's what's called Overlook point, where they have a little visitor's center. It's at the top of the dam. So i went trekking down a path, a well-marked one. I was about four feet from where i was going to stop and just look. I was standing right in front of this awesome old saguaro, and my foot slipped and i went down. My leg went under me, my foot bent in just the wrong direction, and i heard a horrible pop in my foot. And then pain, very excrutiating pain.

Being the stubborn boy that i am, i didn't start calling for help. I sat for a few minutes. Wiggled my toes, and decided i could get back up to the top of the hill, and then find some help.

It was a struggle, but by scrabbling, and taking it slow, i got back up to the top. There were a couple guys to help me. But it was weird, it was like none of these people really wanted to help. In the meantime, my foot is killing me, i need ice, and the guy's ice pack didn't work. So he went back, found a rag and some ice, and gave it to me. Then the nice police officer came around to fill out a report. I called the # on my health insurance card to find out what hospital to go to. It wasn't that far away, and then of course, i had to call Master, to tell Her what happened.

Another police officer showed up, and some sheriff dude with a med kit, who didn't even speak to me. He handed me the working ice pack, and went back to his truck. Officer #1 left, leaving Officer #2 to finish the report. It was all very bizarre and surreal. Arizonans who live in the "outback" don't like their peace disturbed. We are an odd breed. Oh, and i wasn't some cute young thing in need. When the report was finished, Officer #2 helped me limp back to my car, and i drove myself back down to the city to the hospital.

They took real good care of me. I was in and out in less then two hours. I think that's record time for me and an ER visit. Nothing was broken. Just a very, very sprained foot. I have nifty new crutches, and a cool soft cloth ice bag...Keeps the very cold out, allowing for the right amount of cold to seep into my very hurt foot. I am glad that i didn't hurt myself while i was at the other end of the lake, where there was nobody. But still, i am not happy about hurting myself at all.

Master got a ride to the hospital, and She told me about how Her chair at the office gave out, and She had taken a nasty fall, that resulted in a bruised bone on Her arm...not a good day for either of us.

So now, i am confined to the house. We live on a 2nd story apt. So going up and down the stairs is not an option. It's my left foot, so i could still drive...hehehe, but not allowed to go down and up the stairs until my foot can bear the weight.

I'm just hoping that i didn't tear the ligements or tendons in my ankle. At least i can catch up on some movies and stuff i've been wanting to watch...guilt free. Knowing that i'm not putting off some other task i need to take care of. On the other hand, being confined to the couch kinda sucks. It's one thing to sit around like a lump when i have choices. When i have to sit around because i'm hurt, i get a little surly.

One interesting thing. The officers that showed up to help me kept asking if i wanted the fire guys to come out and take me to the hospital. I kept refusing. I wouldn't want to justify a $1,000 ambulance bill to my health care providers. Sure it hurt like hell while i was driving, and there was so much traffic, but i didn't need a medvac for just a sprained foot. That seemed like overkill to me. Probably why they weren't so friendly to me...

Anyway, it's going to be a quiet few days for me. Probably won't be going anywhere til next week. I just signed on to do some volunteer work at this place called the Workforce Connection, it's connected to DES-Job Service, and the City of Phoenix. I was supposed to start tomorrow...but of course, now it won't be til next week...

I'll make the best of it. And hopefully i'll heal fast. Don't want to go stir crazy like i did when i fractured my leg a few years ago.

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10.28.03

So much has passed in the last two weeks or so. The disadvantage of not writing every day is that now i have to try to play catch up.

I'm not going to even attempt to recapture what has transpired. Master has kept updated posts about Her sister who is very ill. We have been attempting a balance of needing to go to Kansas without having the financial means. We are balancing our life together. We have been out of synch. What She wants, what i've been going through. Negotiating through a morass of very human emotions, while maintaining an M/s dynamic. Sometimes it is very hard.

It hasn't helped that i have been in the process of evalution. Instead of writing every day about what i am going through, i've been playing mental ping-pong. What's been floating in my mind are things like i am not sure i made the right choice. Before posting all of this on my journal, i waited until i could find a way to understand what i've been feeling.

I did not make a mistake by commiting to this relationship, or to the slave's path. But the very boy part of me started resenting control, and being told what to do, and having to ask for things. All the time. It seems pointless.

And then i came to the realization that it is what Master wants, and helps keep Her balanced. Do i put aside my selfishness for Her happiness? And how, how do i even do that.

This coupled with very painful hands, and grappling with the fact that this time last year i was losing my mother. And this comes during a time when Master's sister's fight for life is failing. I am coping with the very real sense of loss and grief. Coping with all the losses i've had over the last four or five years. Doing it without chemicals in my system. The belated emotions rising because i spent a good chunk of my life numbing out, not dealing with an of it head on. When i was at my mother's death bed, i was able to be there, drug-free, and sober. But not when i lost my niece, who died a year before my mom.

In talking with a friend, i have learned that very possibly, the dermatitis on my hands is a physical reaction to all of this grief i feel. And there's that part of me who wants to protect Master from ever having to go through what i have been through these last several years. And then i realized during this evaluation process, if i left, if i chose not to be here with Her, that would create some of those very emotions i want to protect Her from.

And i am where i belong, our relationship is strong, and right for both of us. She continues to want me, and is glad that i am in Her life. Even though i am not "HAPPY" all of the time. Through this entire time, it was never that i needed to get out of something unhealthy, its been my questioning my own motives, and values, and what i thought i wanted for myself. My intent.

A slave is supposed to turn her or himself completely over to their Master, allow them to shape who they are. Or so i gather from what i have read about modern consensual slavery. I just want to be with Master, serve her in the best possible way i am capable of, and still keep a voice and an opinion, and some semblance of a life. I wasn't looking for this when She and i came together, and it will take time for my stubborness to subside (if it ever does). But She tells me, She is getting something out of this, and i am a good boy. And i bring another dimension into Her life that She did not have before. And She fills my life. Gives me the one thing i had been looking for. Unconditional Love. And i am still skeptical about that. It's hard to believe that a human being can have it. But She does give that to me. And there are times, when i peer into Her soul, and sense and feel, and know the depths and levels of Her feelings for me. And it can be overwhelming, and it humbles me in ways i cannot yet describe.

I know i made the right choice.

And it is a natural reaction in me to want to RUN right now, because of all the loss and grief i feel. I don't want to feel that again for a long time. And if She is this close, and wants me this much, what would happen to me if i lost Her. That to me is unbearable. So rather then go through another failure, my mind was screaming "Run Away, Run away now! Get out while you still can." I can recognize the defense mechanism, and i can beat it. Diffuse it. Make it stop. I am still here, and still serving Her, and hope to be for a long time to come.

And i know this sounds like a lot of rambling, but it's out now. And i can rest a bit. And hopefully start writing more, and keeping my wits about me. Master called me on the Transparency Issue, that i was keeping all of this to myself. And i gently reminded Her that She has not exactly been in the emotional place to hear that i am having doubts. Sure, i could have gone to Her at any moment with this stuff...but with what She has to deal with, to me it seemed trivial to bring my fears to Her.

Ah, that is the stubborness i have. I can do this, i can work through this, and then i can figure out how the hell to articulate it to Her. And then we can work together through other issues. More pressing and real issues. And i can shut my head up about wanting to bolt just because i felt like i made some sort of mistake, or i'm bored, or i don't want to work this hard.

Any relationship is work, is two people communicating, goes through growth periods. I am moving through a growth period, and learning how to have a real, adult, loving, healthy relationship with another human being.

I'm not willing to walk away from it, just because i feel a little afraid. I am willing to stay, and continue what we started together, and at some point down the road, there will be an RV, and a country-wide road trip, and above that, there is this sense of security and safety that Master provides. Who else would could provide those feelings for me, when most of my life they eluded me? And so all of the insecurity and fear, and wanting to run has finally run out of me. And i can continue providing service, and sharing with this woman in my life whom i call Master.

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