09.06.03
I haven't been writing much here in this part of the journal. I think i hit overload after all the writing i did last week.
I finally got through to Unemployment, and made a new claim. Hopefully, i have a check this week. If not it will be next
week. YaY for the Boy!
Master gave me a spontaneous mini-beating the other night...with the Simpsons on. i complained that i couldn't see the
t.v. probably not the smartest thing i've said in my life. She was wacking me pretty hard too, with the evil nasty white stingy
thing. Not much else in the way of beatings and such, this week. But much in the way of trying to keep my head in slave
space. Non-cooperative as i can be sometimes, it's important that i remember i belong to Her. She Owns me. And i need to
have respect for that authority.
We went shopping today. We went to the Wild Oats, and the person who does all the ordering and stock for the bulk
food department was chatting with a co-worker. She saw us, and came over to see if we had any questions. She was really,
really cute. Shorter then me (5'4" maybe), with short, dark brunette hair. I asked her why they didn't have the kind of peanuts
you make peanut butter out of, and she asked what she should get rid of in the bulk food area, in order to make room for
those peanuts. Thus perplexing Master and myself, for being asked directly how to solve this problem. She told me i could
take some of the peanuts out of the peanut butter making machine...YAY! And then she trundled off to wherever she
needed to be next. I asked her name, and told her mine, and we shook hands, then she asked Master's name.
Cute, very, very cute. I wanted to bring her home and play with her. Master started to say that she probably wouldn't
want to play our way, then realized that the lock around my neck is visible. That pretty much shot that theory. It made
shopping today a bit more pleasurable. However, i got freaked out at the other grocery store, and wanted to get home.
Why, why didn't i get that girl's number? She probably would have given it to me. At least an email address, something...
Master has asked me in the past, why i didn't get a phone # when i saw someone i liked. I don't know, really. Mostly
because down deep, i really am shy, and scared about meeting new people. Knowing Master is watching these exchanges
makes me a bit bolder, and more aggressive then i am on my own. She likes watching me flirt. And i like the fact that She
doesn't exhibit jealousy, or insecurity during these moments. I know She is waiting for an opportunity to watch me as i
take someone else. That whole Voyeur thing. It gets me hot, and turns me on, the idea of Her watching me boff someone
else, or beat on them, or even just play with them. When the time is right, and the opportunity comes into our live's, it will
happen. In the meantime, i am very happy with Her, and how our life together is progressing.
There's a new entry in the banging and clanging section. Check it out.
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09.03.03
9:15 a.m.
Today is the day of the Mammogram. I've never had one of these before, so i'm a little scared. Ok, a boy getting a mammogram? A
bio-female boy who cares about health. They recommend it, so i'm doing it. Usually i'm not big on doctors or the Medical field. I feel that
most of our illness we make up, and we are a society too dependent on "modern" medicine. Ok, people live longer and have better quality
of life then we did before. But every time i see a television commercial for another drug with the side-effects listed, i shudder.
Maybe it's just that people are hypochondriacs. And that is what i am reacting to. But i know people who run to a doctor every time they
hurt themselves.
It took me two days after i fractured a knee bone to go to the dr. to get help. It's taken me this long to decide i can go get a mammogram. For the most part, my health is usually good. This last year it hasn't been, but according to my last dr. the tests they had done didn't show any problems. So my health issues are related to the spiritual and mental status of my being.
Having this procedure done today meant that Master's collar came off me today. We went through this when i had the chest x-rays done.
It's a little disturbing. I know that the collar will go back on soon...later today. Still, my neck is bare, and there is no lock to play with. Several years ago, when i was running a kitchen, i found a choker, a really nice one, that i wore through the whole time i worked at this restaurant. It never came off. Not for showers, not for sex, not for nothing. It finally broke one morning when i was showering, just around the time i ended my employment with the establishment. I've never liked a bare neck.
The collar is just a symbol. I still have the bracelet on that Master wove onto my wrist prior to the last time the collar came off. I have this to remind me of my service to Her.
Today is a good day, and the head space is balanced. I got an email from M. Blair, which made me smile. I hope this good mood lasts. It's kind of weird being out of the depression phase, considering how long i was there. When one stays in a dark unhappy place for a long
time, coming out of it is like Opening the windows and letting a fresh breeze blow in. I could get used to this!
When i get home i have to:
- call unemployment
put away clothes from yesterday's laundry
log more videotapes and figure out where i screwed up my Fox Sunday Night tapes.
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09.01.03
9:30 p.m.
It's been a 3 day weekend. It started with Master calling me on Friday and asking me to meet Her at the Dairy Queen down the street. We sat and ate a chocolate dipped cone, and a caramel Sundae, and talked. Then went to the grocery store for some food. Friends were coming over Sunday, and we had some items to buy. Saturday, Master went off to meet with a friend, and i logged the Stargate Tapes we have. I put them into the computer in a format so that when i transfer the tapes (cutting out commercials and such), i'll know which show is on what tape.
She got home and we watched Highlander. I missed taping a really important episode, but Master had it on an older tape. Then, we went to
the grocery store AGAIN, for more supplies, and came home. Watched a Stargate Episode we both liked, then went to bed. (Check Aug 31st for
what happened that night). The local Classic Rock station has been playing their entire playlist all weekend, so we've spent time listening to that, and having the television on while the music was playing. Interesting things happen when you play music with TV. I sometimes recommend Classical music to TV. But this was classic rock.
Our friends came over Sunday, and we swam, and bbq'ed. And had great conversation and fun. They stayed late. We watched a couple porn
movies Master and i have. And during the 2nd one, we turned on the Classic rock because the main girl gets very annoying. That was a hoot,
watching porn to classic rock.
There wasn't much beating or fucking going on this weekend between Master and i, but that's ok. Master needed the R&R. For us, it's about the communicating, and the connection. All the rest is gravy.
Today, we lazed around, watched some tv. I stoked up the grill again after yet another trip to the grocery store. I roasted corn, and cooked veggie hotdogs. Oh, and i walked down to another grocery store because we forgot hotdog buns to go with the veggie dogs. Some of the corn became corn and black bean salsa. I used the chilis i roasted last night, and the onion i roasted today, with a couple ears of corn, and some black beans that i had in the fridge. Have i mentioned that i am a chef slave? I still have to figure out what i am going to serve this salsa with...usually it goes with blue corn crabcakes, or fish, but Master doesn't eat meat, so i have to figure it out.
We watched some comedy cheerleading movie with Eliza Dushku, from Buffy the Vampire Slayer. A little fluff to entertain us during the hot afternoon.
I don't know if i've mentioned this yet. I checked out a copy of The Artist's Way from the library. This is a very important book for me to finally be working with. I really would like to own a copy. It's on my wish list (wink, wink). It talks about how to "recover" the Artist within. And how to discover it. I've decided that i still have so many negative messages about being an artist. Even though I am one, and a Poet. I am having trouble. And i am having trust issues with Master and my creativity. This comes from previous relationships, and being hurt really bad. The book's exercises are directed at unearthing the negative messages we experienced about artists while growing up. I've logged so many therapy hours i can't even count them. I've worked through the childhood abuse issues. I've worked my anger out about my mom, my family, losing my innocence. I've worked out a ton of shit. What i didn't work out really were how three relationships in my adult life stymied the artist in me.Created negative reactions as deep as the childhood issues. I still pursued my poetry, and made video, and did good things with my art and made my first book.
However, there was still shame attached. And i'm not published on a grand scale. I want to unfreeze whatever these issues are that i am experiencing with Master. I trust Her, i really do. I love Her, and i am devoted. But i don't want that creative child in me to get hurt again, not like i was before. I'm protective, and have a hard time opening up all the way in regards to my artistic self.
I've already shared more of my artistic self with Her then i thought i would with someone. Yet, in the relationship itself, i am experiencing negative self talk. This book, hopefully, will help me unblock this energy, and move forward. Help rid myself of the negativity, so that i can progress, and gain that which has eluded me thus far.
One of the key elements to The Artist's Way is writing what is called the Morning pages. Getting up earlier then usual, and writing three pages. Whatever comes to mind, it doesn't matter. Now if you've followed my journal, you have discovered i am not a morning person. It is hard to get up at Master's command and become functional. And i am supposed to get up a half hour early to do this...and maybe, just maybe this could be the key to my rising early enough to satisfy Master's wishes...??? Shrugging. Something must give in this department.
I started today. It's also going to be hard, because as soon as i am awake, Master wants to talk to me. It takes at least a half hour for my brain to begin functioning, and recognizing logic. But i want to do this. I want to follow this book. I am an artist, and i want to move beyond realizing my potential, and be published on a larger scale, have people buy my books, and motivate to get a Performance going. And it's all about working with that internal negative critic. I must smash once and for all. Must, must, must. I'm tired of my fear of success. I am tired of my fear of failure. I am tired of saying, "but i wish i could have..." I need to say, I can, I will, and I want this.
And at the same time, still serve Master as Her willing and competent slave boy.
And again, it is about a life of balance. And structure. And prioritizing. And not just hoping, but doing.
I am starting to walk every day. A little exercise is good for me. I am in much better head space then even a few weeks ago. And i am hoping that the depression is gone for some time. I've been walking around with a smile on my face. I look at Master, and She says "What?" And i'm just happy. Genuinely, down deep in my heart, Happy for the first time ever. And it feel goods. It is stupendous. An amazing feeling. And one i don't want to go away. If any one told me that three years ago i would be this happy, i would have laughed at them. No one can feel this good. I certainly don't deserve to feel this good. My life has been too hard, i've had too many horrible things happen to me. I've hurt so many other people. I haven't done the right things in my life. I disappointed my parents. All of these messages pounding in my brain, blocked me from feeling this happy.
Well, i'm done with feeling that way. I'm done with feeling depressed. I'm done with only hoping. I want to feel. Feel all the joy and love and cheer this life has to offer. Not that bogus fake kind of happy, but the real thing. The happiness i am feeling right now!
And with all that said...it's time to get ready for bed. It's the beginning of Sept. So i've archived August, and this is my first entry for September.
If you are reading this for the first time, and wonder, what does this have to do with slavery? Or bdsm? Or D/s, believe me it does. It is part of my process. If my head is clear, and my heart opened, then i can give myself to Master 110 percent. If it is cluttered, and dark and gloomy, then i can only give her about 30% of boy. She wants all of me. And i want to give Her that. Without difficulty and without Struggle.
I'm not the perfect slave, but nor am i bad at it. Like my art, it is a work in progress. With practice i will get better. With practice She will be a better Master. And together, we can cross many bridges, pave many roads, and build a life of wonder and openness and joy. And that's all i ever wanted in a relationship...ever!
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