september

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DM's Realm

09.11.03

I really haven't been writing much on line. I've been processing a lot of stuff, and trying to sort out priorities. One of them is to get back into shape. I know i've written that i've been walking every day. Even if for just a little bit. And that's been good. I am starting to work out a little bit too. Priority is to get the body back into physical condition. Not just lose the 10-14 lbs, but maintain a fit status, eat healthy, and do some activities that are good for this boy.

I don't have any playmates who have available free time, so i am doing this solo. It feels good though. I don't have to wait around until someone magically appears who would want to be a work out buddy or a walking buddy. I need to do this now, and for myself.

I've also been working on why i have been so cranky, not resistant, but cranky with Master. I want attention, but then when She touches me, i don't want it. I want Her to tell me nice things, She does, and i fail to hear it. I want to do those things i'm supposed to do, and i can't because of the dermitatis on my hands, and that is frustrating. Like putting away the laundry, washing the dishes, cooking more complicated meals.

Instead, i'm playing with videotape, walking, starting to work out, and writing in my off-line journal. I need to start editing that book, and i keep putting it off. Avoidence. Master is helping me with how to think about that.

And that seems to be the issue. I really need some creative direction/advice right now, and She doesn't seem to be able to provide that, or maybe i'm not hearing what She is saying. One of our agreements about my slavehood with Her was that the Artistic, creative stuff was hands off. Which means even though She owns me, She doesn't own my art. However, that doesn't mean i don't need advice. I really do need input. Hopefully the point i feel i am at will break, and i'll have an answer.

How to get back into that slave mentality? Where every little thing She wants me to do isn't irritating me. Service and obedience. The principle of Transparency. And it's a little hard for me right now. I'm looking for some kind of balance between slavery and creativity. The more i want to have creative independence, the more i am fighting the slavery. It's a tough task. Hopefully the answer will present itself, or i will gain perspective and balance.

We'll see how this progresses.

I know this is sort of a mixed entry, however it deals with the creativity in regards to the Slavery. And how to find the balance.
Any suggestions? Email me.

I am also not giving into the whole its 9-11. I have taken my moment out, that moment of silence, to honor and remember, and then, i continue living.

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09.09.03

It occured to me that i didn't report about the mammogram. It went well. They squished my breasts, and then did an ultrasound. The ultrasound involved rubbing some goo into There's some fiber something or another, but they say it's benign, and not very big. The Doctor says i need to give up coffee/caffeine because caffeine aggravates these kinds of things. How am i supposed to that?

Another Dr. appt. yesterday. We were supposed to go over the records from the previous dr. but the office people didn't call the former dr. so my records weren't there. Consequently, i have to have blood drawn again, and another series of blood tests, to make sure i'm healthy. Sheez! I'm not terribly thrilled about the Medical industry, and this just disheartens me more.

Sitting in the dr's. office yesterday tried my patience. There were people in there that i didn't necessarily want to spend an hour with. But i put aside my judgemental brain, and waited. Finally i got called, got in, got out and came home.

Last week, i started walking. It's been very important for me to get some kind of exercise. I gained some weight during the depression, and can't fit into my sexy boy slut jeans, nor some of my other jeans.

I used to walk, take the bus (which usually includes walking depending on the bus route), or ride my bicycle everywhere. When living in Tucson, i didn't have a car, so that was the way i traveled. (carrying laundry 12 blocks or more was exercise). After moving in with Master, i still got some exercise. We lived on the third floor. So i got to go up and down stairs. The car was in a parking garage, and i had to lug groceries to the Apartment, which was a bit of a hike, because the apartment. was on the opposite side of the building from the parking garage.

Once we moved in here, i haven't been very active. the depression set in. I didn't want to go out very much because the "Church" was watching me again. And i was on a downward spiral. Over the last month or so that has been changing. Things have happened to help me pull out of it. Mainly a change in diet, some vitamin suppliments, and taking care of business that seemed to be affecting me in a negative way. And not wanting to be in that icky place any more. I like being happy, i have a good life, and i couldn't really understand why i had been feeling so bad. Hopefully it's over for awhile. I suggested to Master, that if i get into that kind of depression again, i need to start taking St. John's wort.

And on to different news:

I was gong through some videotapes the other day, and found that i have a few more Farscapes than i thought. I am really, really happy about that! It's still going to take time to get them all, but i have patience for this. I can't afford a DVD player right now, nor the show on DVD, so i resort to jumbled video tapes, and trying to get them all in order so that i can watch them again.

And for some news i didn't know about. I just read that Warren Zevon died on Sunday. This is very disturbing to me. He's a rock-n-roll legend. And he was only 56. I didn't know that he was terminally ill, so the news is more shocking to me than usual. It's affecting me as deeply as when Allen Ginsburg died. This is what i get for not paying attention to Famous People's lives. I only hope that other people will continue to know the immense song-writing/poet that this man was.

Life continues. It is the business of the living to continue to live and create and find joy where we can.

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09.08.03

Well, it's another new week. I've got lots to write about but it will have to wait for awhile. Probably tomorrow. Ran into a few problems updating Current Thoughts. (changing the week and all that).

Just when i thought i had this thing licked.

Oh well. More later!

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