september

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DM's Realm

09.29.03
7:00 p.m.

Last week seemed to be a very, very long week. Went on, and on, and on. And now its Monday. The start of a new week, and almost a new month. Summer is over in most parts of the country, but here in the desert, the days are still upwards of 100 degrees, and i'm sweating when i am out and about running errands.

It doesn't seem like i accomplished much last week, but Master assures me that the things i did do made sense. And weren't useless tasks. My hands are still really bad, i can't do some of the things i want to. So i am limited in what i can accomplish. It is very frustrating. I wish there were more i could do, but the appointment with the specialist is over a month away, and thats when i will be able to get the better cream for my hands. There's not much else i can do but wait.

We had a nice weekend. Had a friend over Saturday, went out for a relaxing dinner, a swim, and time in the Jacuzzi. I can't go swimming, but i had a little time in the hot, bubbly water. It felt nice.

There's a result from this encounter that might lead to my having an Art Studio at some point in the near future. We have to figure out the finances, but it is something we can acheive. We looked at the space yesterday. And it seems workable. And then last night i was struck with one of those very brilliant ideas about Art, and what to create. I'll write more about it in the Artists section of this journal. But suffice it to say that it's something i got more excited about then i expected.

I haven't had a really good idea that excited me in a long time. And i'm looking forward to having the opportunity to work out how i will implement this. Master got the brunt of this creative endeavor hatching. Probably made Her nervous with all my pacing, and seeing things that aren't there. I finally settled down, but didn't get to sleep very easily. Nor did i sleep well. Ah, the price of good ideas! And today i am just as excited, but i can't do anything about it until i am able to purchase a few more supplies. Then we'll see how it goes.

Very excited. And very, very tired right now. Master is off shopping. I stayed home because of the tired. I'm trying not to feel guilty about all the stuff i can't do right now. And trying not to feel guilty about not going to the store with Her. But as She says, these are Her choices, to do these things, and part of being a responsible Owner is letting this boy take the rest he needs, and not do unnecessary tasks that will hurt my hands further.

It's hard because there are times that i don't feel much like a slave. Times like this when my service is limited, and the hard sex and beatings are infrequent. But the slave head space isn't dependent on whether i am servicing Her sexually or physically, or doing chores or tasks. Being a slave is about the head space, and heart space i can maintain. It is a spiritual thing. A bond between us that doesn't go away, just because i am limited. I'm trying to really believe that, and overcome my own sense of inadequacies at this point. If i maintain the devotion, and the willingness to surrender to Her authority, about all of these issues, then i am still Her slave.

As long as i wear this collar, i am Her slave. Unless She releases me, i am Her slave, Her boy, Her property. And that i believe.

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09.23.03
10:00 a.m.

The phrase for this week is "Just do it." Doesn't matter why, or what or how, or who, or when, even. Just DO IT!"
(self-motivation for boy)

Sex and the Sacred

Sex! Sex has been on my mind. The kinds of sex I have had in the past, and the kind of sex I am having now. Two absolutely, totally different critters.

Before I came into Master's life, I had taken time off from sex. I had a couple of liaisons I kept active, but other then that, I took nothing new on. No pointless, meaningless one night stands. No picking up someone and using them. No starting with a new girlfriend. I was very specific in what I was looking for in a lover, and held to that vision. I wasn't going to settle.

I spent 3 months dating someone I had respect for in the past. S/he was a 20 yr old crush. And I got it out of my system. As I spent time with "Daddy", the illusion was ripped from my eyes, and I discovered that all I had revered in this person had been wiped out of her. She had become a shell of a person, beaten down by time and experience.

I don't want that to happen to me. I have worked hard to ensure my mental health and safety. I do what I love, and love what I do. I decided several years ago that I wasn't going to settle. Daddy taught me that exact lesson, by not being what i thought s/he was.

Several months later, Master came into my life. And when we started having sex, it was powerful, mind blowing, soul-shattering sex. It was the kind of sex I had looked for most of my life, and that had eluded me.

On occasion, I have peaked with this kind of sex. I have touched the sacred through the act of orgasm. I have withheld myself, and come to the same place. Most of the time I have achieved this without the other person knowing. People can be so disconnected from their bodies, from themselves.

I had written a poem, years and years ago about where did I put that sexual critter. I was trying to find, even at the age of nineteen, the kind of sex I have found now. With no luck.

Sex! The kind that moves the world. The kind that the Universe sings with. The kind that I am privileged to experience now on a regular basis.

Master and I don't achieve this kind of sex once in awhile. It happens every single time we fuck, make love, roll around in the throes of passion. Each time we engage, it is more powerful and provocative then the time before. And it scares me.

I am caught in a paradox. The kind I never thought I would be caught in. I have searched for this level of sex all of my adult life. I have finally found it. And it is mutual. Reciprocal. Shared.

And I find that I do not want to surrender that place inside of me that She has touched. The deepest, most sacred part of myself. The part no one has been able to reach before. I am frightened that if I surrender this part of myself, there will be nothing left of me. I will be caught in the web of need and desire, craving Her all the time, at the moments when I cannot have Her, or when She does not want me sexually (ok that rarely happens, still...). And I will become lost, and not be able to create, or want to do anything else for myself, ever.

I have been caught in this kind of extreme desire and need before. I have spent time craving and needing and wanting, and not paying attention to myself. I have been selfish and egotistical, thinking I was the only person that that lover wanted. (delusional, yes).

I have spent time pining away for those who did not return the strength of need inside of me. I have been with people who choose to feel guilty for releasing this kind of passion. So why am I fighting? When Master reaches inside of me, and grabs hold of that deepest, most guarded part of myself, why do I get angry?

Because I am refusing to let go? Because I never found this kind of sex before with people I wanted it with? Because I am angry at myself for allowing someone to get that close to me? The potential for hurt and pain is there. If She keeps doing this to me, and we decided we had to go our separate ways, what would happen to me then? I wouldn't be able to find this kind of sex again.

Transformative. Transcendent. Soul-wrenching. Gut-ripping. Oneness with the Universal All during the peak moment of mutual orgasm. Who would ever be able to fill those shoes? Who could bring me to this place, where I am driven to my knees in the service of my Goddess? It took me half a lifetime to find it. It is irreplaceable. Unique. Special. Master is truly a one-of-a-kind human being. And one I am happy to be serving.

Shouldn't it be easy to let the rest of the walls down. Let Her in all the way. Shatter the defenses, the barriers, the walls built to protect myself from the earth-shatttering pain I have known in the past. The pain of being left for someone else when i thought we were having this kind of sex.

And it sounds easy enough. I found a Master worthy to serve. My part in this is to surrender. Yet, I resist. And yet, I want to surrender. The auto-protect system keeps kicking in. One built throughout the years to keep me safe from further emotional damage.

And one that will come crashing down momentarily. And I will be left standing bare and naked, exposed, vulnerable.

And stronger, and better then before. And able to achieve this level of sex over and over and over again. And enjoy it. And dance with the Goddess in my rejoicing of the Union of two kindred spirits who know how to pay homage to this, the Sacred.

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09.22.03
1:30 p.m.

It's that time again, switching the weeks. I haven't been writing much on this journal due to the intense internal processing i have been going through. I have posted to banging and clanging in my head. Check it out. The artistic process is showing itself through other mediums besides writing. This is a good thing.

Master and i had a wonderful scene last night, plus sex. Have i mentioned i dislike the word "Scene"? We live a 24/7 M/s O/p relationship. Though lately it's been feeling different then that. Scene doesn't describe what we do. It only gives a frame of reference for other people. What we do is a daily fact of life. To me Scene connotates a once in awhile pre-planned exchange between two or more people. Or even a spontaneous Scene that happens between friends. But a daily living situation like this, "scenes" are just a fact of life. It is just what we do. If i can find a better word for it, i'll inform the reader. I'll also take any suggestions you, the reader, might have.

There are times when Master and i go without any hardcore S/M, or sex. There are times when it happens frequently. Lately, we've both been struggling through a variety of issues. And we seem to be better and stronger for it.

We finally got to our first MAsT meeting yesterday. What an opportunity to sit in a room with other M/s people and discuss the issues of being a Master and Slave. Most of the people there are the typical heterosexual Male Master/female slave. There was another diversity besides us. That offered a balance i could deal with.

Many "lesbians" would not tolerate a situation like this. Where are we supposed to go to find support? The folks running the meeting want us there, and like us. Who am i to argue? I found it informative and educational listening to these other people. It was strange because it seemed that us slaves had a bit more to say then our Masters. Hmmm...

As far as sitting in a room with Heterosexual Masters, and females, that "seem" to mimick the "patriarchal structure." Well, hey, they are just as much on the fringe as i am. Sure the argument is that marriage IS slavery, however, that concept has changed in more recent times. Women have been able to gain freedom, and we now have much better laws in place that protect people from those who would batter and abuse us. I see these people as i see myself. We live a lifestyle not condoned by religious organizations or by the Government. Consequently, that puts us all on the fringe. Heterosexual M/s relationships take as much pressure as do homosexual or lesbian ones. Sure i'm more on the fringe then they perhaps, with the genderflux going on, and my very obvious lifestyle. But i don't discount their struggle.

And this is where i see that Feminism has failed us. The lack of recognizing that all people's struggles are valid. How can we discount one person and validate another, based on gender and sexuality? And this is where i find most of the lesbians and feminists to be in error in their thinking. We attempt to create a perfect world, but only one in which X & y have power and privelage, but not a, b, or c. That equation provides as much of an imbalance as the patriarchal struture did for over 2,000 years.

I cannot negatively judge those who fought so hard for women's rights. We struggled for many years to gain the freedoms we have today. My hope is that in a perfect world, everyone has equal rights, and we do not judge people on gender, sex, or status. We are seen for our merits, and our works. That would be called Utopia. That happens when i leave this plane of existence.

For now, i try to be tolerant, open-minded, and loving. Towards Feminists, towards religions who would have me locked up for what i am, toward heterosexists, homophobics-both within my community and outside of it. I try not to judge that which i know, and that which i have yet to learn. I am far from perfect in this arena, but i work on it every day. I have one simple problem...I have Stupid people Syndrome. I have a hard time tolerating stupidity and ignorance. Not the kind of stupidity that comes from a person having some sort of disability, i am talking about people who could apply themselves and learn differently, and choose to stay in their ignorance. It is eventually a goal of mine to let go of this particular problem. It's why i don't do well in grocery stores, or crowds. And it bothers me that i look at a person and judge them that way. I don't know who they are or where they come from. How can i judge their levels of intelligence. It's something to continue to work on.

For now...i just breathe, and work on art, and find ways to return to my slave heart, and serving Master the way She likes to be served. Maybe at some point i'll write about Her letting me worship Her feet. That's been a new addition to our experiences. It gratifies a particular fetish of mine. And She does seem to be thoroughly enjoying it when She tells has me lick Her feet!

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