Ok, sometimes i think funny things. And there's been weird stuff in my head lately. Funny stuff.
Like, can that Quizno's Subs commercial with the mutated rats please go away.

Master and i watched Moulin Rouge last night. It's made by the same guy who directed one of Her favorite films "Strictly Ballroom." He also directed "Romeo and Juliet", which is a movie i haven't seen yet, but want to. It was a good night with a yummy supper and the movie.

Today is picture day! YAY! I need to get some things ready, like clothes. Part of my issue is that i don't *gasp* have any make-up to smooth out the lines. So these head shots are going to be me in the *rough*. But i think that will be part of my appeal to get work in the movies, at least i'm hoping.

I got some stuff done yesterday, but not as much as i hoped. And since i won't be home today, i won't be able to work on things until tomorrow. It's good that i finally have all this energy after months of not being able to do anything, and months of not wanting to do anything. Apathy is not a good emotion to be carrying around.

A part of me worries that i'll hit another bump in the road. That depression will come up again and freeze me. I'm working hard on not letting that happen again.

I've been in a very happy space lately, which is how i've been able to get things done. When i'm a happy boy, i'm a productive boy! And Master likes having a productive boy!

There is so much to be said about the subject, and in our society, we seem to not want to talk about what it is we are afraid of. However, we'll let the media manipulate our emotions into being afraid. That will be the slant of the essay.

The subject came up again because i started out with reading Jack Rinella's "The Master's Manual." Then Master and i had an intense dialogue on Sunday night about the direction we are heading. We were dealing with an intense topic at the MasT meeting, which spurred the dialogue between the two of us, and got me thinking again about how i am continually exorcising fear from my life.

My mind is pretty scattered right now, and i am trying to stay focused. I am accomplishing the organizing of the office, and the rest of the house, but there is still much to do, before our houseguest arrives next weekend. I am working on two more chapbooks of poetry, and will be a featured reader at the Willow House in Phoenix on April 22nd. I need to send emails out about that as well.

And it seems no matter how much i get done, there is still more to do, and more, and more, until i feel very overwhelmed, and unable to accomplish anything.

Right now i should be going to the store instead of writing. I still have to clean the kitchen, and get the living room organized.

What i have achieved: the office closet is clean and organized, the shed is organized, i got Master's computer moved into the office and hooked up. The bedroom is cleaned and vacuumed, and laundry is sorted. I got some music ripped onto my computer so i can listen in here, instead of cranking the living room stereo. I got a call in to my cousin, who raved about "Crisis of Consciousness," my new chapbook. (She puts my books in the window of her Bindery in Hollywood).

Today is a bit of a breather. Tomorrow, i have a photo shoot, to get some quality pictures taken so i can go back to this company that employs extras. They want headshots. The choice is to have them do it, and you can pay up to $1,000. At least i found a photographer. We keep rescheduling the shoot, but i have to do it tomorrow, which is why i need to get this other stuff done today!!! So i don't worry about what i haven't done while i'm getting photographs taken.

And when i look at all of it, none of this really matters anyway, except that we do need to eat, i do need to feed the animals, and our society dictates we wear clothing, and it needs to be clean clothing. And in order to have guests in our home, the home should not be cluttered and piled high with unorganized papers. And in order to secure employment that i would enjoy, i need to follow the rules of that business (headshots for actors...necessary).

And since i sometimes think, none of this really matters, i feel like not doing any of it. I just want to sit around and read, or watch t.v. or write, or play pinball. The truth of it is, this stuff does matter, and i have been getting it done...slowly, steady, and with focus.

So we decided to go the back way; the long way, the very pretty way. We went around Lake Pleasant on Highway 74, and up through Wickenburg. That took us through the Peeples Valley, which is cow and horse country, and very gorgeous. We climbed the backside of one mountain that led us down into Prescott. We stopped for some lunch. We got salads at a grocery store and ate in the parking lot. Then we continued on the 89 and the 89A, which takes you through Mingus Mountain, and the small town of Jerome. There was a turn off that led to camping grounds, but the road was closed at two miles. That was ok. Master let me park and get out and go hike in the forest for a little while. I found a very small brook that was running, and stayed there for a few minutes. Listening to nature, the wind in the pine trees, and looking around at the forest. It was very beautiful, and helped me re-center. It's been a long while since I've been in forest, and an even longer time since I was in a forest that had a running brook. The draught has been so bad that even the times I went to Mt. Lemmon in Tucson, there wasn't running water (which is why half that mountain burned last summer).

We continued on. The road had switchbacks and hairpin turns, and breathtaking views of the mountains in the distance. Our eventual goal was Flagstaff, but as we were pulling through Jerome at 5:30 p.m., I knew we weren't going to make it to Flagstaff.

We wound through the small previous mining town of Jerome, but didn't stop. I've spent time there in my past, but we wanted to get to Sedona. We cruised on through the Prescott Valley, and came to Sedona. Land of red rocks, and the famous Vortex. I just think its pretty. We parked and walked around, mainly looking for a place to eat, but we were also window-shopping. We encountered one very nice Art Gallery that was still open that had sculptures, blown glass, and some eye-catching paintings that neither of us would mind on the walls. Master and I have just started looking at Art together. We have discovered that her taste and my tastes in painting are widely different. Sculpture, it seems, we can agree on.

We stopped at a New Age Crystal shop. We had looked into one other shop, but the rocks seemed hurt, and even though his prices were reasonable, the tiger-eye owls we looked at still weren't what I was looking for. Master knows I'm fond of owls, and when we are out and about, She makes it a point to look for them. We found one at the New Age shop. Some kind of stone I wasn't familiar with, part of the obsidian family, and it was reasonably priced.

It's very small, but has good energy to it. We didn't buy anything else, even though some of the rocks were talking to us. We asked the shop keep if she knew of any vegetarian restaurants. It seems most of the restaurants in Sedona have vegetarian on their menu. We wanted to go to this one Mexican restaurant, but it was very busy, with lots of kids running around. Being Easter weekend, there were many families about. Not wanting to wait in a small space for a table for two, with children running amuck, we decided to find somewhere else to eat.

So we got back in the car and drove to "west" Sedona, which is the way we came in, and ate at the Red Planet Diner. It was the one place in Sedona that we found that caters to the Alien Encounters aspects of Sedona. The décor was fun and entertaining, with space ships on the ceiling, and aliens everywhere. The service was pretty poor, the coffee lukewarm, but the Fajitas were passable, and Master had a Roasted Veggie sandwich that she said was very good.

Then it was time head home. We forgot to set the VCR to tape "Coupling" (the last episode we needed to make our collection complete). I drove like a maniac. A safe maniac, but I pushed the pedal. We did stop, on Highway 179, coming out of Sedona, to look at the stars. It was a stunning sky. My star knowledge is limited. I just enjoy looking up at them. There is so much light pollution in Phoenix that we never get a good clear night. Of course, to us, it was very, very cold, and Master needed to get back in the car, and we needed to get home.

We arrived a little after 11 p.m. in time to watch the show, but not tape it.

I was pretty worn out because I did all the driving, around three hundred miles in 10 hours. And I was ready to get to sleep. We finally bedded down around Midnight.

We had rented a bunch of movies on Friday, one of them being "Lost in Translation". It was due back today at 12:00 p.m., to I had to get up early and watch it with Master. Very good film. Slow, deliberate, and captures an essence of being lost. I enjoyed it. Master wanted something a bit faster.

We have the MasT meeting today, so I need to go make falafel, take a shower, and get ready to go. This has been a very busy weekend for us.

Tonight, Master is going to start a new thing with me. I will be assigned Affirmations that will be recited throughout the day and whenever She orders. I will have to say them when I partake in certain activities around the house, without Her here, and then write about the experience. I see this as a positive step in gaining a closer alignment to obedience. Master also implemented a daily ritual spanking, and has plans to expand the M/s dynamic. Part of me wants to run now, and the other, bigger part of me wants to become a better slave for her. As the journey unfolds, we will see where it takes us.

I feel so grounded today after our trip yesterday. I wanted to expound on that a bit. It's just more of the sense of inner peace that I haven't had in a long time. More of the assurance that I am on the right path, that Master and I are doing good together, that I haven't made a wrong turn in my life. Prime example: I didn't drink myself halfway across the state. It was food and coffee, good company and scenery that you can't get anywhere else. And because I am not drinking or using, I was able to enjoy it at a much different level then I have in the past. Good things that will get even better as time goes on.

It really doesn't look like i've done that much, but i really have. I was so tired today, didn't get up with Master and take to her work. I didn't get up until almost 11 a.m. but then i got productive, some more housecleaning, and laundry, and stuff. Master came home for lunch, and then music guy called, letting me know he has the first rough cut done of one of my poems. I'm listening to it right now. Had to let him know i'd call him back in awhile, because i needed to pay attention to Master.

Master has been implementing daily rituals. One of them is a daily spanking. A reminder every day that i am Her slave. She didn't do it this morning, because i wasn't awake enough. I was a good boy and reminded her at lunch.
This after a really intense session last night. We haven't been interacting on a regular basis still, but last night Master got out Her tools of torture, put me up against the entertainment center, and worked me over for a pretty long time. Both back, and front. The breasts are still very scared of Her. She went at them with both a flogger and Her little canes. It brought tears to my eyes, and i was very scared. Her Sadist was out in a big way, and when that happens, i get scared of Her. She had me turn back around, and continued with the back using Her long rubber flogger. It was intense pain, but i processed it. Not in the usual way, i didn't go for the feedback loop. i was unintentionally keeping it locked in, and putting it into the structure i was holding onto. She finally finished with me, and i withdrew and curled into a little ball on the floor.

The new South Park was coming on, so i knew i had to come back enough to watch it. I did, and i thanked Her for the beating, and we interacted just a little bit, and then it was time for bed.

She wanted sex, but i was so drained, and very definately not horny. If you've been reading this journal for awhile, you know that Master treats this slave very well, and if there is anything going on that disallows me from sexual interaction, Master accounts for that and doesn't push. I am highly appreciative of this fact. She let me go into bed while She wound down Herself.

It was a good night. And probably why i couldn't get up this morning. Also because i've been going all week, and it was my first sleep in day in over a week. Pretty good for this slave, who usually has a one out of three early day.

I want to please Master, and it pleases Her when i can get up in the morning and interact with Her. This has been an ongoing issue because of my self-programmed late night schedule. Almost two years later, and i can get up five out of seven days, before 7 a.m. That is an accomplishment.

Today, i got the kitchen floor, and the entry way floor cleaned. I did three loads of laundry, and got Master's lunch. I still have one load to get out of the dryer, and a couple errands to run, and it's getting late. Driving around after 2 p.m. around here isn't an easy chore, there are more people out who are in a hurry then around say 10 a.m. I keep trying to run the errands earlier, but i get distracted by other things around here. *sigh*. I'll go brave the traffic.