I am going to work on this. It's always been an issue with me, the ability to get up before 9 a.m. (Much to former employer's dissappointments as well). Master wants to be able to talk with me in the mornings, but i just don't function that early, and She does. Even when i manage to get awake by 7 a.m. it's still hard for me to retain any information.

I've been having some bizarre little dreams lately. The other morning, it was living in L.A. dreams. Last night it was about one of my ex's. The dreams about her come and go. Still, it is very disturbing. They have taken on the flavor of her being there and my seeing her, and not recognizing her. Then she comes up to me, to converse. Sometimes we have conversations. When we first broke up, i kept having dreams about her. Ones where we get back together, ones where i was seeking her. Ok, it's been like 9 years. I think the dreams can stop now. Still, it's that whole wish fulfillment thing. I'm not sure if it's me dreaming about wanting to talk to her, or the residual of the psychic connection we had; and her looking for me. But they can just stop, anytime soon. If she wants to find me, i'm really not that hard to look up.

I have a dr. appt, and a physical therapy appt. today. And then a boy meeting tonight, so i need to go get ready. This won't be posted til the p.m. anyway. I've got some other stuff to work on today. Been setting up the household finances in Quicken. That's been a load of fun! Entering receipts and making sure all the catagories and subcatagories are functioning the way we need them to. Spent yesterday and today doing that. I also need to start looking for some kind of job. The hands still aren't healed, but unemployment runs out next week, and i need to generate some kind of income...

It would be nice if people bought my book of poetry...(HINT HINT)!!!

Something's a bit off right now with Master...i'm working on not taking it personal. I think we both just need some down and dirty sex!!! *smiling* But it was off this morning...and it wasn't a smooth evening. It's temporary, i know that...feelings pass, and we keep going. We really do have a very good relationship. I am so very grateful for that. I may not be the best behaved boy sometimes, but there is that underlying universal bond between us, that keeps us both in a respectful space.
I only hope that whatever this is passes quickly. Maybe it's just the full moon...maybe it's the weather, who knows. Here's to a good tomorrow!

In the past, with partners, i have attempted this adventure, and met with resistance, or dishelvement. Or had to organize according to someone else's system, or the system was totally dependent on me. This was a together thing. Talking about what is going where and how. Where are we keeping x-files, and y-files. I had spent one day a month or so ago going through and filing away paperwork from 1993-2001. Today, i still encountered some paperwork from that era...egads!!! I have this looming fear about passing away and having people find my mounds and mounds of unorganized files. It sounds silly, but this is what i encountered after my mother's death. It is a fear i held prior to her passing. So now, the paperwork is getting filed, thus alleviating the fear.

So, we have done the deed. We have 2003 & 2002 tucked neatly away into a file box, inside of manilla envelopes. Master still has some paperwork to deal with pre-2002. I have all of my writings and drawings, archiving, clippings, notes, and artwork, from myself and other people to finally organize. That will be done during this week.

It was a tremendous job. And it feels so refreshing to have it done. To be almost to the point where our office space will be functional. We both have to commit to staying organized, and filing paperwork as it comes in, and not letting it stack up like this. That includes mail we don't want, but we let sit around because we aren't sure if we want to throw it away.

It was a different experience to be acheiving this task with Master at my side, asking questions about how we should file things. And respecting my input. I can't remember the last time that happened for me. And of course, i've been flying solo for so long i forgot what it was like to have joint paperwork...! Thus the overwhelmed feeling.

Yes, we are at a year and a half together. I ought to be used to having someone in my life. Who cares for me, respects me, takes care of me. I ought to be beyond the feeling of overwhelmed when we do something well together. But it's not just about the paperwork. It's that, and the dining table, and the trip to Kansas, and being accepted by Her family. And knowing, really KNOWING that no matter what, i am loved and cherished. I don't know, i just want to curl up in a ball and cry over the massive way i feel right now. And i'm getting my website straightened out, and i'm going to start looking for a job, and we have set some goals for ourselves this year that we both want to meet. I only hope that we can meet them. It will involve this continued working together to achieve them.

What has this got to do with the Master/slave dynamic? How does this involve BDSM? Master wanted to get started on this project this morning around 10 a.m. Again, i was up, and fairly functional around that time. I am making a concerted effort to follow the guidence She is giving. That's two days on a weekend that i was able to get up, and get going without resistance. No, She is not beating me or fucking me. No, it isn't about Dominance in the sense of Erotic. But as slave marsha says, it's not about that, sometimes "it's just about the socks."

This project, this situation is about my "socks" Being able to find a way to not resist Master, and do the things She wants done. And Her stopping in the middle and playing computer games, while i continue to plow through paperwork is part of it. And there wasn't even a sense of resentment about that. I know that Her patience wears thin on this kind of chore. Mine doesn't. I can usually chug away at this kind of paperwork filing for hours. And exhaust myself. I hadn't done it in a few years, (as evidenced by the state of my prior paperwork pile), but today, i chugged...and succeeded. And Master got a good chunk out of the way too. We both get A+'s.

And that feeling of being overwhelmed will subside, i know it will. Just writing it out, and looking at it in black and white helps take away the negativity. I guess that's why i'm a writer, after i get it down on "paper" i feel better. I can breathe a little easier, i have purged my system. I have been letting things build up too much lately. Not writing enough, not just online, but in an offline journal as well. I have great diversion tactics. I use them well, and then all this yuck builds up inside me...all i have to remember is to write it out, get it out of me, and then i feel a bit better. I also have to get better at asking Master when i'm feeling the need, to let me come in here, and write, or just grab a notebook, and scribble it down to get it out of me, whatever "it" is. I'm much easier to deal with when i've purged myself with words.

That's the latest update. This week i look for a job, keep doing the foot exercises, call the skin dr. about my hands because they aren't healing, get the rest of my stuff organized and filed, and finish organizing the office. And whatever else Master needs/wants me to do.

We got to go to Lawernce for an afternoon. Bought some rocks, had lunch at an Asian restaurant that played jazz music. And my cousin called me from LA to make sure i was ok...!!!

I made it through the airport with crutches. And meeting Master's extended family. Sitting there on a Sunday morning at Her grandmother's house with all these people talking, and i really didn't have a clue. So i looked at ads from the newspaper, participated when i could, and smiled a lot.

It was so very good to be home. It was a long trip. It felt longer than it actually was. Our cats were very glad to see us, and i was glad to see them. And i can put my foot up now when i need to. Her mom has furniture, but there were five of us trying to share a couch and a love seat...grrrr! It made it very hard to get comfortable with the very sore ankle.

Thrift Store Adventures

It was 6:30 p.m. when Master realized we hadn't set the VCR to tape "Angel". They weren't replaying it that night, so we missed a very crucial episode from Season 3. It was one of those "Oh Well" moments. A dining table was much more important then "Angel."

So today we got out the door around 10 a.m. She wanted to be out by 9 a.m. and surprisingly enough, i was actually ready (physically anyway) by 9 a.m. We got hooked on watching a rerun of "The Real World" and then they showed a Real World news story about the Gay Military lover, that was the "blurred" face from the 2000 season. He was the lover of one of the participants, and couldn't be shown. This was the first Revelation of who this man was. We were both hooked.

When we finally got out of the house, we went from thrift store to thrift store. We know some cool little places. The problem is so much of this stuff is priced very high, and out of our range. $200+ for a decent dining table...we had about $75.00 in the budget. We ended up in the North end of town. We were at the Goodwill and found a really great video cabinet. The kind where the doors swing out, and you can fit a bunch of tapes in there. We picked it up for 5 bucks. We had seen a place across the street from Goodwill, and decided to go there as well. It is called Ka-Ching. Cute name for a thrift store. We walked in and the first thing we saw was the cutest little dining table with two funky chairs for $25.00...whoo-hoo!!!! I was in love.

We went walking about this store we had never been in before. Their prices were reasonable, and they had a lot of funky stuff. We found a bulletin board for like 2.00 and a small painting canvas for .50 cents. During this hunt, we also found several pair of used jeans for me (until i lose some weight, and can fit back into my 30's). And a couple t-shirts. Master found some funky stuff for Herself, and we found some really cool CD's.

It was an experience, looking for a dining table. We resisted all the other stuff we wanted to buy. And stuck to things that were appropriate. And we found a table for a third of what we were planning to spend...too cool!!!

And considering my ankle is still sore, and Master's foot with the bone spur is still sore, we did well to even stick through it enough to find the table. At least we know where the really good thrift store is now!
And we have a dining table to eat on, and a place to eat when we entertain!!!

I know i've been a little slow in updating the website, but Master was home part of this week, and paying attention to Her is more important then the website...

I'll write more later, just wanted to let everyone know...the trip was nice, the food was good, the flight was bearable.