01/19/04
We've been attending the MasT meetings the last few months.They've been enlightening, and offer support where we need it. Being in a roomful of people who also choose to live their lives outside of the box.
We are covering values, intent, and agreements in M/s relationships. I'm ok with the Values part and the agreements part. But the way they are phrasing intent, is basically about goals in one's relationship.
I had no other goal but to find a healthy functioning relationship. When i met Master i was looking for a Daddi. When Master and i got together, it was the Universe's decision. We spent so much time dialoging about what we both wanted in the relationship, but not about where it was going.
I've spent some time thinking about this, but not analyzing it. This is "for keeps." Master made that clear early on. She also convinced me that she wasn't going to change her spots. This was about trust. And my ability to trust someone after all the years of dysfunctional and abusive relationships i went through. Once we broke through the Trust barrier, the relationship started working itself out.
I don't know how to articulate what our "goals" are, or what the intent might be. I know Master would like to implement more of an M/s structure. She has specific goals in mind about behavior modification, and what She would like to see transpire between us. Other then that, we work towards growth, and love, and i work toward serving Her better. (some days are better then others).
This relationship came to me at a time in my life where i had almost given up. I am extremely cynical about love, True Love, and Eternal Love, and the "forever" thing. The Universe granted me a breath of fresh air, and let me see that even this jaded and cynical boy could love once again. That there was someone whom i could respect. Who would treat me well and take care of me. Unconditional love IS possible, and not just with cats. So i seem to lose sight of what is our intent when it is meshed with spiritual goals, S/m, M/s, and all the other things we do on this path.
I am a servant of the Universe. Master, for me, is a physical representation of that Greater Something. By serving Her, i Serve the Universe. Not always a hundred percent, not always with willingness, but always, always with love in my heart.
I have been scarred in the battle of Love. I have been pushed around, and done my share of damage, which i am not proud of. I have endured, and suffered at times because i could not obtain the object of my affection. I have loved fiercely in secret, only to find out the other person could care less if i existed. That is what helped my cynicism grow. Now i have a balance. And there are times when i just want to run away from this. When the intensity, and the Unconditional factor overwhelm me. I have a hard time believing someone else really cares about me this much, and cares enough about me that i don't have to slam the door when we argue, or have disagreements.
It was a goal to have a healthy, functioning relationship. This one includes things like laughter, and intense sex, and pain, and continually envelopes my other senses as well. The next step is to keep the relationship healthy and growing. Building, instead of tearing down. Supporting, not belittling. And this isn't only because She is the Master i serve. It is because as a human being, she has shown me that same support and potential for growth. I reflect and mirror the quality of care i receive from Her. And i have torn down my old walls. I have thrown out the old behaviors. I have had the good fortune of utilizing tools i learned in the various stages of therapy, and in Recovery. I don't have to go back to being defensive and angry, and bitter and hurt because Master does not give me reason to play those old tapes. It is shattering to finally realize that after a year and a half together, and only after a year and a half, i have been able to accomplish this. Something i never achieved in other relationships. What helps, i think, is that caveat "this is for keeps". She is not afraid that She will lose me to somebody else. She is not afraid that i am going to leave her. We do not operate out of jealousy or fear. There is the sense of possesion, yes. But not fear. I think that is one of the biggest problems in relationships. We get so busy trying to hang on, instead of just enjoying what we have. It is freeing and invigorating to live without that fear, that rumbling psychic background noise that i have had in almost every other relationship.
This might make us sound very evolved. I just feel that we are two human beings that for whatever reason, believe that we can have a successful relationship, and avoid the pitfalls so many others experience.
I recognize Her authority, and at a core level do not rebel against that. She takes care of me, and makes sure bills get paid and that we have food, etc. She recognizes value in me, and respects the knowledge i have, and does not treat me like i am less then. Sometimes we have really hot sex, and tremendous S/m scenes that shake us up for days. Sometimes we just are nesting, and taking care of each other. But at the base level is the love, and the respect we have for each other.
And that is something that my jaded, cynical heart did not feel i would accomplish in this lifetime. I am grateful to the Universe for providing this for me, and helping me along the journey that lead me here.
Intent: To continue this journey with this Woman whom i call Master, to see where it will lead.
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