7.30.04
11:00 a.m.
i've been working hard the last couple days...23 hours in two days. It's a conference of 7,000 people, and it's taken an army of cooks to feed them all! I'm physically exhausted, but it's good to be working again. I think i've rediscovered every muscle in my body i forgot i had. I had the option of taking early shifts or later shifts. I took the 1 p.m. shifts, and my out times have been after midnight. But the Chef likes me, and i'm versatile and can do lots of different things.
We had a guy mess up over 300 lbs of pasta last night. It was bad. I've seen people mess things up before, but this was utter and total stupidity. I was just thankful that i wasn't the one who did it. I also got to grill lots and lots and lots of chicken. I got home tired, but happy that i've got a bit of work going on. Hopefully there will be more work coming in the next few weeks.
It will slow down by tomorrow. I should be able to get home at an earlier time. The convention ends Sat. which means we don't have to make more food for the next day. Just serve and clean. I'm looking forward to some rest time!
Master has been missing me. But it was Her decision for me to go back to work. And the thing about the later shifts, is once all the other cooks and chefs are gone, we are basically left alone to finish the job. And i like that part. So even though it's taking time away from Her, it's good for me to be working, and very good for our budget! I've been missing Her too, our evening time together. But we'll have some time Sunday to be together. It will be nice. Working like this gives me an appreciation for the relationship with Master. I think i've been home too much, and too wrapped up in the stuff that's been bugging me. This is getting me out of my head, and away from the thoughts that have been disturbing me lately. I'll write more on that later.
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07.28.04
8:30 a.m.
It's been an interesting week so far. i've been very "bitchy." Unable to control how i react to Master. Something has been going on internally, and i'm not sure what. Last night we were lying in bed, and i was able to identify the issue, so of course, instead of sleeping on it, and talking to Her about it today i brought it up right away. Part of that was because i am working through the rest of the week on an afternoon/evening shift, so i wouldn't be able to talk to Her right away, and i didn't want to just leave a note. So, it became one of those late night discussions, when i needed to be asleep.
What i said made Her upset, but not in a negative way. I don't like upsetting people, but when i need to speak my mind, it comes out. It was about getting back to the basics of the M/s relationship, doing the things that She used to do. Things that i call "Mastering the boy." Things that other Masters do to their slaves on a regular basis. And the point i made was about the fact that She is in search of a third addition to our household. She'll be doing the kinds of things that She used to do with me, to them. That is a potential hotbed for jealousy and envy on my part...if we don't get back to doing those things same things with me.
It's the little things: Putting me in the chains in the evening. Sitting in the bedroom on Her chair, toying with me. Having the leash out in the living room, and putting it on me while we are watching T.V. These are little things. And i pointed them out. Maybe i chose an inappropriate time to bring this up, however, i wasn't going to be able to sleep, and my brain was chasing thoughts that were threatening to go into a downward spiral. i don't want this to come out sideways, any more than it has been. My reactions, my crankiness, my inability to be respectful, at this point can be traced to resentment. And i had to identify the resentment, and then speak to the issue.
Yes, we've had all sorts of physical and emotional stress. Master sees us in a much deeper relationship, and indicated that when we do have physical intimacy it is much more than what She can do to me with the "little" things. But the little things count. They help my daily focus. When She exercises command over me, not just with a daily to do list, and calling to check up on me, having me say daily affirmations at certain points in my day...but the actual command, my head space drops into that slave space, it puts me where i like to be, and helps me serve Her more efficiently.
And it is the little things that count, that add up, that keep me focused as a slave. I was writing earlier this morning that just these few things could shift my focus back into slave space, and get me out of the resentment and anger i'm feeling.
At least the issue is identified, and conveyed to Master. I don't want to get into the negative pattern of passive/aggressiveness. That leads to all sorts of fighting and ugliness. We have a love-based relationship, not a fear-based one. And passive/aggressive behavior is born of fear. Fear of what might happen if one person speaks their mind, fear of retribution or punishment; fear of the other person finding out what you are really thinking and feeling.
Master has never punished me or hurt me over expressing my concerns and desires. I can tell Her what i am thinking and feeling. Sometimes it takes me a while to get to the why of the matter. Once i have identified the why, i can move through the problem and get to a better headspace about it.
This is a good thing. I am thankful that She requires this level of communication, and can accept the input that i offer. She is truly the Master of this boy, and no matter if we are playing hard or light, whether She is commanding or not, She deserves the best out of me, not the whiney little bastard that i feel i have been the last couple days.
I just hope it will get better, and that i can refocus on what is important in our lives.
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