Yesterday, i was able to input the entire month of March. I'm not just putting in the amounts in our check registers, i'm putting in what we buy and for how much, and where. I've got books for cash flow, checking accounts, foodstamps, and the credit card accounts. I want to see what we are spending and where our money is going. Master has had this responsibility on my daily to do list for quite awhile now, and i have failed to complete the task. Truth be told, it was easier with Her sitting next to me, working on Her computer, so that i could ask Her questions about certain receipts, and not have to remember those questions for later when She got home from work and was too tired to be bothered with bookkeeping questions. It isn't that easy to remember all the way back to March. And sometimes She can remember more than i can.

I do feel a sense of accomplishment, and now that some of the big stuff is out of the way, i feel i can tackle the next two months with relative ease. Once i get caught up, i have to pick one day a week where i do this receipts thing. So we don't get so behind again. And with my hands almost healed, it isn't such a chore to complete the task.

Being a slave isn't all about fun and games and being used. Sometimes we have to do things that are unpleasant, like bookkeeping, or laundry, or asking permission for things. Surrendering to Someone is not as easy as it might sound. In our search for another slave to add to the household, i am encountering profiles of people who are new to the Lifestyle, and from what they write, it sounds like they are ready to give up 100% control at the beginning.

My experience has been that it doesn't happen quite like that. It takes focus and concentration, and an ability to suppress one's own ego, to serve Another. I only hope that these new people can encounter Masters/Mistresses who have kindness and compassion in their hearts, and who understand the sometimes daily struggle of Surrender. I know some people who have experience in the Lifestyle, and when they meet that Person they feel they can serve, it isn't so hard for them.

I struggled, and am still having issues of compliance only because i spent so much of my adult life unattached, and not serving just one person. I had buried the slave-heart in my work, and hid it from potential seekers because i was not yet ready to succomb again to the Authority of another human being. There was one person who found it, and brought it out of me, and who finally allowed me to serve Her, although on a minimal level. Then i moved, and She moved, and i found Master. Funny how life does it's little twists and turns.

As a chef slave, the service i am able to provide is the same one that i gave to my work in Kitchens. Other service doesn't come as naturally or with ease, but i am learning. The Compliance level is better, attitude adjustment since our trip to the Ocean, much better. Am i one hundred percent? No. Not perfect either. I just try to be as productive as possible when i can, and work on the stuff that is hard.

I'm ready to go to places with Master that i know She wants to go, in regards to using this slave. One of them being Verbal Humilation. We've only had minimal interaction where this activity is concerned. And i am curious as to how i will respond to it, and what the aftershock will be. There are some other activities in which i am ready to engage. The caution Master exercises in regards to my use is due to the kinds of things i have been exposed to in my past, and how i will be able to process emotionally and mentally after the "Scene". I know i've written much on this subject on this journal. It continues to come up for me. It's not that i have limits, it's about breaking past barriers that can cause too much stress, that might result in a negative reaction, instead of positive reinforcement.

I am honored and humbled to be able to serve Master. There is mutual respect and trust that has been built over the last 2 years. I guess the reflection is only natural because this is the week that we came together two years ago. Seems like just a short time ago i was still looking for that Perfect Daddy. (oops, got a Master instead). Seems like just a short time ago i was living in the chaos of the F.O.O, and trying to figure out how i was going to get my own place. Life does interesting turns. This is a turn i don't think i'll ever regret.

In order to satisfy requirements for the Food Stamp Office, there are new hoops to jump through. One of them is to submit 15 applications per week, until i reach their calculation of 80 hours. One submitted application or Interview equals 3 hours. For jumping through this new hoop, once i reach the 80 hours, i will receive food stamps again, and i am also receiving monetary compensation for travel expenses. Hopefully, by jumping through these hoops, i'll secure some form of employment. I haven't heard from the job that i really wanted, and i am assuming that by now, he has hired someone else. The problem is, i don't want to travel that far, and even though there are tons of restaurants in this area, some of them are going to be very picky. All i can do is continue to plug away, and hope something decent comes my way.

So i was going to go put out more job applications today, but by the time i picked up Master for lunch, it was so gosh darn hot that there was no way i was going to schlep in the heat to submit 8 more applications. I did the required "20" hours for this week, and i'll just put my nose to the grindstone next week.

Interesting finds:

I've been spending more time on the internet. I don't like searching because i have a hard time finding useful information. However, when people email me, and send me their information, it's much easier for me to add. I do like to read sometimes, and i do enjoy the differences of opinions. I relish that one common trait that us serious kinky folk have; a willingness to share our journey, and a spiritual basis. There is a spiritual link i feel with some of these people i read on a regular basis. And finding new journals, and websites that share more of that spirituality and vitality of life is part of life's little pleasures.

Master is spending time looking for a third. She wishes to explore the poly side of our life. There is a need to dominate another person, in different ways than she dominates me. (Corset training is NOT something i will submit to). One would think with the thoughtful and interesting people out there in the world that we could find one, just one other person that could fit into our household. However, what i've been noticing is that the potential candidates and playmates we discover live in the farther regions of the U.S. And usually don't have the ability to relocate. GRRRR!!!

When the time is right, the person we are seeking will be there. We are just both so darn picky! But with my years in this lifestyle, i have learned to be selective, and Master is a very cautious person.

I need to get out and do some more Open Mic Poetry expression. I need to sell some more books, i need to find a way to make some $$. Event though the down time from the last year or so has been a true blessing, i am ready to get back to work. I am ready for the fire and fury, and i need the outlet of a Restaurant Kitchen to get some of this pent up frustration out. I don't want chaotic crisis kitchens that i've worked in before. I just know that banging pots and pans and making lots of food for people is really good anger therapy for me. Master seems to know this on a very gut level. I had permission to seek employment prior to the new hoops i have to jump through.

Yes, it would be nice to make enough money at Poetry to help support the household. But unless people get trusting enough to send us checks or cash, for their copies of my books, i have to go out and find a "real" job. *SIGH*

And on that note, i'm going to end this little ramble. Keep smiling, makes 'em wonder what you're up to!

When She was done, She left me on the bench for awhile. The bench was not comfortable. When i put my knees down, it was the wrong angle and they hurt. If i put my legs to the sides of the bench, with my feet resting on the floor, the legs were stretched the wrong way. She left me there anyway, finally, letting me up when She was ready. i sat on the floor with Her on the couch, watching the rest of the movie, and contemplating how good the last three birthdays have been compared to the years before.

We received a suprise phone call from M. Blair last night. She let me ramble about our trip to L.A. and the food allergies i've developed. We had a nice chat, and finally i gave the phone to Master. It's good to have friends, even though they are a long way away. I am looking forward to meeting Her slave boy puppy when they come to stay with us at the end of the month!!! I also recieved a really nice hot photo from another boy wishing me a happy birthday!

All in all it was a good day. I do miss the part when my mom would call me and wish me a happy birthday. I'm still not used to her being gone. There is the whole Mother's Day thing as well. As rocky as my relationship with my mother was, I never realized that i would miss her this much. Even though we had our moments, i know in her own way she loved me. And it is moments like this, when i pause to be grateful for all that i do have, i know i don't have her any more. And it makes me sad in the midst of an otherwise very fulfilled life.

I am very grateful for this life. I also know that life can change in an instant. So i don't take things for granted. I remain open to change, and only hope that the Universe gives me as much as i can handle. No more, no less. I know that so many people say they don't like change. They are afraid of it. I am not one of those people. Even when the change is death, we as human beings have the capacity to deal with this loss. I just have to adjust my perceptions. Accept the emotions i have over the loss, and move on. It was harder when my niece died, because she was so young. Today it is better. This summer shouldn't be as hard as the last two summers. I have accepted the loss. I remember her, and the love and the laughter and all the years we had together. It still makes me sad, but again, i have adjusted.

This year is about change for me. And how i can make life a little better. I have to find a job, i need stable income. i can't eat peanuts or corn. I got to go to the ocean. And I've got two books of poetry that i am selling, and i'm ready to print out a third book. These are all good things. The relationship with Master is intensifying, and will change even more, as She asserts more control over me. We are in search of an addition to our household, and/or long-term playmates. More is being added to my life, and it is enriched with every step. If i stay focused on the positive, life will continue to be Better.

As long as i am fluid. As long as i remain flexible.

The only thing constant in the Universe is change!

L.A. was fun, and relaxing. I don't do theme or amusement parks. I hang out with family and friends (when they are in town). The most stressful thing i do in California is try to find parking.

We drove out late fri. night, and got in around 10 a.m. to my cousin's house. She lives in Pacific Palisades and has a tremendous view of the ocean. We relaxed for a bit, and then drove up to Hollywood. I wanted to step on some stars (it's a thing!) I got us lost driving. We ended up in downtown L.A. at Union Station. I found our way back to Hollywood, and we saw the Museum of Erotica. Master wanted to stop and take a peek, so i spent about half an hour looking for parking. Finally scored a good place. Ok, it's a holiday weekend, in one of the major tourist arenas of the country. I spent a good portion of the weekend looking for parking.We went to look at the Museum and it was $13 a piece to go in, so we decided not to. We were going to go visit a friend, and needed to make tracks.

So i drove us down to Shawn's, he lives near Venice. And we hung out and had a great time. Got to tour the Dungeon in Progress, and meet his other boi. We've met Shawn at a couple of events here in Phoenix, and i was glad to visit him on his home turf.

We got back to my cousin's, and hung out, had some food, and then slept.

Sunday, we went to the beach! Zuma Beach in Malibu. We had breakfast at a great little place called Marmalade's Cafe. It was a half hour wait, but worth it. Then headed to the beach, and spent some time looking for...parking! Finally we found a place to park, and went on out to play in the water. Master isn't a beach or ocean person, so She watched while i was out in the waves frolicking. We were actually at a not too crowded area, with well behaved children around us. Compared to the amount of people down in Santa Monica that day, we were lucky. The parking thing had to do with not wanting to pay the $7.00 to find off the highway parking. And to go to this other place called Fort Dume, it would have been the same. But the place we found was pretty cool.

I played in the water, and rejuvenated. The last time i went to the ocean i didn't get in. It was too cold. This time, it was a necessary dive, even though the water was really cold, i needed the salt and the pull of the waves to replenish what was depleted after my mom died.

I went back and laid around with Master and dug in the sand. I didn't find too many good sea shells, because these beaches are really over-populated. The pickins is slim. I found some cool rocks though. And the little baby sand crabs were every where. As we were sitting there, several schools of dolphins went by. I got to see one of the dolphins jump up on the water.

We got done with the beach, and i wanted to drive Master down to Venice, to check out the boardwalk. But it would have taken too long with the traffic, considering the thousands and thousands of people that were at the beaches that day. So we just went back to where we were staying, and had dinner; outside, overlooking the ocean. My cousin is a great cook, and we had Squash Lasagna, with fresh salad, and bread. She had the kids make homemade ice cream, and we had that with Strawberries. Yummy!

I didn't get to meet up with my uncle, or my other cousin, but that's ok. We'll catch them next time we go.

Master had wanted to drive home Sunday night, and in retrospect, it would have been a better idea, however, we were so tired and sunburned from the day at the beach, that she decided we needed to sleep and go in the morning. We got out of town between 7:00 & 8:00 a.m. We had to find me a pair of sunglasses, because i left mine at home. And though i was o.k. driving around L.A. and being at the beach without sunglasses, driving through the desert during the day would have fried my eyes. So we found a 7-11 and picked up a pair, and then headed out.

I don't think i've had such easy traffic getting out of L.A. It was a holiday morning, and there was no traffic! It took less then two hours to get to Palm Springs! By that time, we had sunburns on our sunburns because we were driving into the sun. We found some sunblock, i got more coffee, and then we made the long trek through Indio, to Blythe. Stopped there for lunch. We thought that maybe i could eat a Wendy's Chicken salad. i have to be careful with this allergy to corn. Well, after we ordered it, we were reading their Nutritional guide, and in it, it said that they put corn starch in their chicken! It was too late, i had already eaten most of the salad. So much for eating out! We finally got home about 2:30 p.m. Monday, home to our cats, iguana, our stuff, our bed, our smells! Traveling is great, and i love going to visit other people. But it is so good to get home, and be where everything is familiar.

It was a great and wonderful and relaxing weekend. And it was fun to be able to show Master Southern California. A place that is dear to my heart, but not a place i'll live. Someday i'll turn her into a beach bum...