i make myself anxious, sometimes it proves for no good reason. I wish i could find the off-switch for self-doubt.

I am fortunate to have extremely good friends who can talk me through those times when the insecurities kick in and i think that it is all about me! And then it turns out that it has absolutely nothing to do with me.

I breathed a sigh of relief this morning, and was able to focus on creativity, and job-hunting. I had an interview yesterday for a new concept restaurant that is owned locally. They have plans for expansion. I would really like to work for them. I called them when the owner asked me to, but they still hadn't made a decision. He said to call back tomorrow evening SIGH. Hope for the best for me.

On a very positive note: Master decided the best way to get me out of my own head was to use me. So last night, before we went to sleep, She did just that. And She used me hard! I don't know; there's just something about a fist inside of me that can drop me to total bottom slut space. She has this way of asserting Herself on me, and pushing the Ownership Energy. It did help me balance and center today.

We were finally able to go to the grocery store today and get food and snacks. Of course, with these food allergies, we have to read the labels on EVERYTHING. I can't even have the fake meat hotdogs because they have corn in them. But we did find a BBQ sauce that isn't made with corn syrup.

Pretty much, i'm screwed with my options on processed and pre-packaged foods; even the "natural" and organic products. Corn is such a huge part of our daily food intake, and people don't even realize how much of it they are consuming.

My awareness has been heightened.

It's a good thing i'm a chef.

Later...

We got ready for the party, and my new friend, i'll call her v-girl, met us here at the apartment, and we all went to the party together. The space was comfortable energy-wise, but small. The backyard was very roomy, however.

We spent some time talking with friends and making introductions, and after awhile, we went to one of the back rooms. I got out the "tools of torture", and v-girl showed me some of her toys. She brought along very nice restraints, but i wasn't yet comfortable enough to use them.

I got her stripped and almost naked, and started slow. I'm cautious with the Top energy. I didn't want the wild energy out. So i stayed mostly in a playful space. There were two times it threatened to come out, and i pushed i back down.

I started with clothes pins on her breasts, leaving them there for a while, and playing with them. I put a couple down on the stomach area, but those couldn't stay that long. i used this to help ground me, and for us to get used to each other. Then i asked her to turn over. I used quite a few implements. Master has a really nice rope flogger that i used for a warm-up on the back. And I finally got to use my Daddy Strap. And there was the evil nasty vinyl white stingy thing; a heavy wooden paddle, and another paddle that is larger than a ping-pong paddle, but light-weight with a nice swing to it. I also utilized the small cat-o'nine i have. That caused a yellow on her shoulders. So i stopped for a breather, then moved back to the ass and thighs.

A couple friends came in during the scene, and some casual conversation ensued, kind of yanking me back and forth, not out of Daddy space, but i lost some focus and concentration. I wasn't able to get to the really mean space i enjoy.

v-girl squeals very nicely, and wiggles alot. I had to gauge the strokes with the wiggles so i didn't accidently cause damage. She has excellent breath control, and i used with the rythm of her breath to help with my concentration. With all of the wiggling, i used my body to help control her wanting to roll away. Knee between thighs, while i was applying strokes. I finally got to a place where i let out some really mean strokes, broke away, came back. And then finished. I would have liked to go longer, but the bruising was coming up, and there was a statement about only medium bruising. So it was time to stop, and save some for another time and place.

Afterwards we spent a little time being close. She commented how nice it was to be near leather again...She stated she doesn't need much aftercare, which is a good thing because i'm not big on aftercare either. I've been prone to using a person and then going and sitting in another part of the room, leaving them to contemplate what just happened. Things got wrapped up, she got dressed, and we went out to be social again.

Master had brought along a bunch of chain. There was a really nice tree outside. She chained me to the tree, wrists hanging from limbs, and a chain around my waist. She gave me instructions on how i was supposed to interact with people. Only those with permission were allowed to touch me. The Femme came up to me first, and found a switch on the ground, we had our usual verbal interchange, and she beat on my breasts while holding discourse with me and other people. At that point, Master instructed me not to talk. Then another person we had met that night, came up to me. She got real close, and then touched. I relayed that no touching was allowed. She gleefully informed me that she had permission. Then proceeded to talk very dirty to me, describing one of my favorite fantasies. I was rock hard, and stomping my foot against the tree (legs were not chained). I wasn't allowed to talk, and that made the exchange even hotter. Then my brother F came over, and pushed against the two of us, pushing me back into the tree.

All the while, there were people sitting on the patio, having polite conversation. The Dirty talker had gone to sit down, and kept smirking at me from across the yard. I was left alone for awhile, and Master was inside. This gave me a bit of time to contemplate the entire evening. My brother was getting ready to leave, and he came over and pushed against me, and we did the grunting and growling thing that we like to do with each other. Then he left.

The party started breaking up, and Master came over and unchained me. I was instructed to put all the toys and chain away. While i was doing that, She came in, grabbed me by the collar, threw me up against a wall, and beat on my shoulders with Her rubber floggers. I still have the marks. This caused some yelling on my part, and an angry response. She indicated i was supposed to get back into position, and caressed me, and soothed me, and gave me reassurance.

We did the final packing, and saying good night to the gracious hostess.

I'm still processing all of this.

I was worried about switching from Top to bottom space. I was concerned that i would go over the edge, and not be able to come back. These concerns proved to be invalid. When it came time there was no conscious thought on my part that "oh, i'm switching now." Master gave orders. I followed. I was able to play with another wonderful human being, and i'm very grateful for that interaction.

I was still all floaty and "high" from the experience. We had a MasT meeting to attend today, and then i was meeting with someone to sell more books. I've stayed grounded, and focused, and was able to communicate during the meeting (i really like the people in the MasT group here).

All in all the weekend has been about new experiences, and even deeper levels of connection with Master. When we got home last night, there was intense, and spiritually deep sex between us. I've spent the day tired in a whole new way.

And even though it was a busy day, there has been time for introspection and contemplation about last night.

I believe that the Universe puts people in our life when we are ready for them. I don't want to get over-excited and say, YAY! OH BOY!, however, i feel that the energy is right, and that we might be able to develop some artistic visions together.

Master also knows that i need to exercise the switch Top energy in me. With this new friend being kinky, we also negotiated playing together. So tonight, i get to Scene with someone and let that Daddy energy out.

I'm nervous, and i'm also excited. I've talked to Master about the nervousness, and have alleviated some of my fear about topping with Her watching. I've only had one opportunity to beat on someone else since Master collared me. That happened within the first 6 months of our relationship. We've developed and grown since then, and the structure of the Master/slave dynamic is firmly in place. The trepidation i feel is about Her pulling me back to boy space while i'm in Daddy space. She says that won't happen. I believe Her, and only hope that i can get myself into that space i need to be in to play with a skilled bottom.

I can do all the mental masturbation i want, but until i get to the actual place where i'm playing with someone else i don't know how it's going to be. I guess i'm still scared that i might do something wrong, or that other people will criticize what i am doing. Fear of judgement. It's funny because i don't have that fear when i do poetry, or cook. So why do i have it about topping? Again, mental masturbation. Just do it, because it's something i really need to do, and energy that needs to be released!

We didn't get to see the movie "Stepford Wives." It was one of those free passes, i got online, and they overbooked the show. So Master and i went to the Mall, and spent an hour waiting in line just to be told that the screening was full. It was an adventure. A couple of really cute girls talked to me. My "babe" magnet is working again. It's very confusing sometimes, about when it works and when it doesn't. So we just came back home, and relaxed, and went to bed.

That was Wednesday night. Thursday night, i went and did some poetry. Master came with me because we were possibly meeting someone. It was too smokey for Her in the main room, so She went off somewhere else while i did my thing. I sold another book to a really cool guy who liked my work. And he was wearing very nice leather pants.

I've spent over 2 days now revamping the Diecast Poetry Productions website. It's taking time but it is soooo worth it. Now that i have nifty photos from photo boy, I've got just the "right" image to put on the site. (we still need to do another photo session of leather boy!)

I know taking time to do this is taking my time and attention away from the house, and what needs to get done. Also, it takes time away from looking for a "real" job. I still have some level of hope that you, my avid readers, will eventually order my books, and I can make some $$ at my art.

That is the goal. I am soliciting endorsements from people who know my work, and will post them to the website. At some point i will add paypal, but that will cost $. Not initially, but they do charge a percentage, and if i don't get orders, i get charged fees. So the site needs to make $$ before i can invest more $$ into it.

In the meantime, Master has assigned another slave's affirmation. It is a really easy one that i can remember. I'm still not good about saying them WHEN i am supposed to , but i am reciting it throughout the day.

I want to follow protocol, and Her orders. I want to be a "good" slave. I also want to work on my art, and be lazy. And that is a hard admission to make. This is like the second time in my life where i've actually enjoyed not working, and not having constant interactions with people. I am enjoying the time alone.

The questions in my head right now are what can make me a better slave? How can i convince my brain that I WANT to be more compliant? That Master's structure, and orders, desires and wants come before mine.

I am not berating myself here, these are just questions. slave marsha wrote an excellent entry about trapdoors. I've already fallen through the trap. I've developed some very bad habits, and i need to break them and work on compliance and obedience.

I do feel that i have integrity and honesty. I have the courage to live my life openly as a slave. And, i enjoy taking risks, the kind that are hard to explain, because they aren't emotional or physical risks, and not even the kinds of risks encountered in a heavy scene.

I'm talking about the kind you take by wearing a chain collar with a tag while seeking employment. Daring to apply at jobs where i might get turned down. The kind of risks that only involve myself. Little mental games. I really do have too much time on my hands (a luxury i know). And i am excellent at amusing myself. And some of this is about self-amusement.

On a really positive note, i gained free passes to go see "The Stepford Wives" tonight. I know Master wants to see it too, who can resist with Bette Midler, Matthew Broderick and Christopher Walkin...!!!! YUMMY!