June 2004 week 3

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06/23/04

Please don't call me a lesbian.

I was out and about the other night, and the subject of Gay Marriage came up. "It's legal now, isn't it."

It was easier to say i don't believe in marriage (which i don't) then launch into the entire issue of how, yes it is legal in some local communities, and in certain states. At any given time the Federal Government can jump in, and through the Supreme Court, or through the Legislature, make all of those marriages null and void. And have you heard lately what our President thinks about same-sex marriages, and the bill he is trying to pass to make it not only impossible but illegal (again) for same-sex couples be together?

It irritates me, and this is why.

1) I don’t believe in marriage as an institution. It has caused violence and heartache throughout the centuries. (not to mention a few wars).
2) It is a way to control people. Only opposite-sex couples can obtain legal benefits through the act of marriage.
3) It brings Church and State together in an insidious way that the general populace does not think about.

I am a poly-amorous, gender bending, kink-loving, leather-wearing, pagan freak. And I am happy that way. I live outside the box, most of the time.

When I am out and about, people read me as a “Lesbian.” I’m butchy, I have very short hair, and I have a little bit of an attitude, and my partner is female. When I am talking about her, I use the pronoun HER. They jump to the logical, and seemingly obvious conclusion.

I used the term “queer” the other night, and the person I was talking to said “Not queer, Gay.” (He was referencing how he falls for lesbians). I re-affirmed queer, but his brain could not make the jump from the (for him) obvious to the more obscure.

I am not a lesbian. And people make this assumption: I am a lesbian, therefore I must believe in the same things as the whitewashed, generic, stereotyped version of a lesbian. “Oh your gay, so you must know Ann, or Julie, or ***** (insert any name here). Of course I do, uh-huh. “Oh, don’t you just love Melissa?” (Ever heard of Ani DiFranco????)

This is the problem with stereotypes. They lump us all into the same box, allowing for no difference of opinion, attitude, and belief system.

So as a “lesbian” I must want same-sex marriage sanctioned, and I spend all my time reading about it. I must be Christian. I must love softball and basketball, and played sports as a child. As a lesbian, I hate men; I fight for “causes”, and read Rita Mae Brown. (ok, I like Rita’s writing, but you get my point).

Gosh, have you looked around lately? Do you know that there is so much more than just your garden-variety lesbian? And that by using this particular label to identify somebody, you could be unintentionally pissing them off.

I have friends that are transitioning. One of my friends was called “she”, it was an accident, and a mistake that won’t happen again.

In Tucson, the core group of my friends was heterosexual.

Lesbians, the garden-variety, can really upset me, in the same way that white male heterosexuals over the age of 42 can upset me. For me, it’s the prejudice thing. Most lesbians don’t get me. I try to fit into a group, and it usually comes out right away that I don’t have the same belief system, or values that they do. I’m not a “group” person anyway. And I find myself being judged by people who I assumed would not be judgmental. (Just because you are a lesbian does not make you the all-accepting, non-discriminatory human being).

I’ve found more camaraderie in the boy group that I belong to than I ever did in a group of lesbians. After I was accepted, it usually came out that I was kinky, and that caused a great deal of contention. Or when they found out that I like sex! Or when they figured out that something was just a little bit different about me.

8-10 years ago, I did not identify as queer. I didn’t have the boy label yet. All I knew was that something was different about me. And as time progressed, and I took the journey into accepting the masculine side of myself instead of attempting to purge it out of me, I gained more balance and happiness in my life. And I came to understand what the other lesbians suspected…I was more male than they were willing to accept.

It’s not all roses and sweetness, my life as a lesbian wasn’t easy, as I tried to fit in and be accepted; as I made the attempt to be politically correct, and gender-proper.

My life as a boy is very simple. (Though I can unnecessarily complicate issues.) I have a Master who accepts my boyness. Even though there are protocols and rules that I am expected to follow, they are very easy rules, and I have accepted the guidance and direction of the Master I serve.

So, the next time you are out and about and begin to label someone with a stereotype, look again, double check your labeling system, and maybe wait for them to reveal who they are.

All of us Freaks would really appreciate it.

06/22/04

Graphics Hell!

I've been trying to get Windows 98 to recognize the graphics adapter on Master's computer. 2 days now, and it still seems like the graphics are not coming out the way they need to. I'm frustrated, and can't remember what i did last time that got the machine to recognize the display adaptor.

I'm thinking that if i don't get it to work, puppy is some kind of puter God...and i will enlist his help, if his Owner says it's ok...

FRUSTRATED!

On a positive note...i went to the grocery store today and scored lots of yummy vegatables. I've got a few menu plans for our house-guests, one of them being stuffed Pasilla Peppers: stuffed with beans and rice and cheese and salsa...lots of goodness.

That should help me feel better.

06/21/04
8:30 p.m.

HAPPY SUMMER SOLSTICE!

I did a bad, bad, bad thing today. I lied to Master.

Slaves should NEVER NEVER NEVER lie to their Owners.

I told on myself. I have no excuse, and no reason to have lied to Her. I just did not want to hear the dissappointment in Her voice. So I lied.

I had to turn in paper work at D.E.S. And i didn't make it out the door until after 10:30 a.m. When She called on Her break, I told Her i had already gone, and gave Her false information. That information conflicted with what my Case Manager told me. So...

I told on myself.

It's better to come clean with information than live with the guilt. I don't like guilt. It's an emotion and a state of being i've never been comfortable with. My path today dictates honesty in my life, not lies and deceit.

I've only lied one other time like this, about making a meeting. I know there will be repercussions. I would rather live with the consequences of my actions, not the guilt.

And with that out of the way: We have only a day and a half and M. Blair and puppy will be here for almost a week. They are coming into town for the Butchmann's Academy, and staying with us. This will be the first time we meet puppy. I am excited. I pick them up from the airport and have an afternoon with them before Master comes home from work. It won't be very stressful. With puppy here, there will be someone to take care of M. Blair's needs. Not like last time, when i had both Master and Her to serve. (although i was a happy boy to do it). And, they will be away most of the weekend. Still, it's two people in our house for five days. I'm sure the cats can live with it.

We are planning some kind of road trip, and looking through neighborhoods. I know some cool ones around here. There will be swimming, a jacuzzi involved, and we have a MAJOR Soiree planned for Friday night. We will see some of our friends we haven't seen in a long time, and some new friends are coming. Master allowed me to invite v-girl, and her boyfriend. The mix of people will be pretty wild. Some of our trans friends are coming, and that will be cool. There is also a wrestling match promised. We'll see what happens.

I am looking forward to all of it. With the job search requirement out of the way, i don't have to worry about re-initiating a search and making a quota while they are here. I don't know how much time i'll have to write while we have guests...so don't despair if there aren't any posts until next week. Maybe i'll keep a paper journal, and play catch-up later.

I've been doing some work on Master's computer, and i am frustrated. I can't get the stupid graphics card to work. I need to go online and search for an updated driver.I don't remember having this much trouble when i first plugged the card in last year. But i'm having a hard time remembering. It could be that i had to go find the driver online. I can't do that right now because i am updating all of Her Windows stuff, and on dial-up, each update takes over an hour. Patience, patience, patience.

And for those who are wondering...i'm hoping to get a new video entry sometime soon...maybe next week or the week after. Don't despair, slave boy hasn't forgotten about the video, i've just been spending time updating this website. Write html/css or edit video for the website? Hmmmmm...the html/css stuff was the priority.

And i will remember: SLAVES DO NOT LIE TO THEIR OWNERS!

06/18/04
7:30 & 8:45 p.m.

I've been giving into my two major addictions. Caffeine, and nicotine. It's starting to slow down, but it's been rough, and i've had an underlying stress over the last couple of weeks that i've been choosing to ignore.

While rebuilding this website, i looked at the journal entries from around this time a year ago, addressing the very same issue about my niece and my mom. It's overwhelming that i am experiencing the same emotions. I only hope as time passes that this will get better.

I'm in that "I'm not good' enough phase. I'm not good enough for Master, i wasn't good enough for my mom, i can't even get call-backs on jobs. I don't want to spiral into that "BAD" place, but i had a little breakdown in the kitchen tonight.

This will pass, it always does, and i'll get productive in other areas of life, again. In the meantime, i've been devoting time and energy in HTML coding, and making this website look 1,000 times better than it was before.

What i've accomplished today: 7 loads of laundry. And a small grocery store trip. Vacuuming. Cat boxes.

7 loads of laundry! And dinner for Master, of course. Not much else got done, except for this new, pretty, pretty website. I need to relax, but every time i try to, my brain wants to go to the "BAD" place. So i keep myself occupied while Master continues Her search for another slave to serve this household.

06/17/04

I've been having some issues about the inability to structure my daily living. I've been obsessed with the html thing again (to a good advantage, it seems). I'm not following orders, and my head stuff is kicking in again when there are no obvious triggers.

Master asked me what was going on today. She wasn't a pest about it, but when my head goes off, there is usually a reason. I stated that when i figured it out i would let Her know.

I figured it out.

I lost my niece almost three years ago. July 20th marks the date. That is also the date of my parent's anniversary, and it is my uncle's birthday (though he is still alive and kicking!) My mother passed away a year and a half ago. So when this time of year rolls around, i not only think of my niece's passing, but i think of my parent's anniversary, and that leads to thinking of my mom's passing. That takes me to a place of guilt for not being in contact with my dad, especially this time of year.

And, i think about that day, three years ago, how, when i got home from work, my dad and i were going to go shopping. He wanted me to cook a meal for him and my mother. Flowers were going to be involved, but not candles. Mom hated candles. I was going to make a yummy dinner for them, and leave them to their romantic evening. With my niece on a trip to Utah, and my brother doing god only knows what, they would have had the house to themselves in the evening for the first time in a very long time.

What really happened: I came home from work around 1 p.m. My dad was standing in the living room, fists on hips, with a panicked look on his face. He just screamed out "Lasha's dead." Like that. I was so shocked and stunned, that i ran out of the house. My cousin was there, and caught me and held on to me as i keened on the front lawn. Its funny how plans can change in an instant. How life happens. No romantic dinner for my mom and dad. Instead there were people, and relatives, and all sorts of things going on. They had already torn down the door to my niece’s bedroom, and the kids were fighting over stuff. So much for the quiet evening; and being able to do something fun for myself.

I was told by two people, less then six months after my mom died, that i needed to get over "it". One person was a therapist. The other one went to some of the same meetings i went to. These are strong messages to hear. I had a cascade of events happen in my life, my mom’s passing being the last bit of the bad run. (see my essay on Grief and Loss. Being told i needed to get over it was the last thing i needed to hear.

No, marking an anniversary of a death probably isn't the healthiest way to live. But we are a society that practically worships death. Witness the passing of Ronald Reagan, and how many people went by his casket in the Nation's Capitol. The death of Princess Diana, and the long broadcast of her funeral. We have President's Day to celebrate all the dead presidents. And other holidays that mark the passing of major figures in our nation's history.

And i'm told to get over "it."

I want to. Three years now, and still i feel hurt and angry, like i was cheated out of a long friendship. "Everything happens for a reason." "Trust God." (your interpretation of God). "Nothing happens that isn't supposed to."

These are every day messages that i hear. Sometimes i believe them. Does it take the pain away? Does that make the pain less than it was?

Sure, the Universe makes things happen, and events are get set in motion that, ideally, makes us stronger human beings. But i feel like simpering in a corner. How could a caring Supreme Being take MY Pumpkin away from me? She was only Twenty years old, and had the rest of her life to live. Of course the complicated issue is that i survived a car accident that no human being should have walked away from. The ex-boi and me. In the middle of the night, we got out of the sideways truck that had rammed into a Palo Verde tree, and walked out to the road. Why did "God" keep me alive, and take my niece away? I still lack understanding in this area. I have not yet achieved enlightment.
(My niece died in a violent car accident on the way to Utah).

My mom's passing wasn't so complicated. I'm not angry about her death, just sad, and i miss her, even though we did not get along that well.

And i wonder how many more summers do i have to get through before i stop feeling so terrible around this time of year? Did i mention, my niece passed away three weeks before her 20th birthday.

It is so hard sometimes. I feel like i need to be over this, but i'm not.

And then I feel that I'm less of a human being for being emotional over something that happened three years ago.

NOT!

And i know other people who struggle with this very same issue. I turn to them for support. And i know that it isn't a sign of weakness, it is part of being human.

And what does this have to do with slavery and service?

The principle of Transparency. If i can report to my Owner the state of my mental, emotional, and physical health, She can make informed decisions for Herself, the household, and this boy.

I deal with a huge fluctuation of emotional and mental states, She has every right to know where i am at at any given moment. However, sometimes it takes me time to process, and figure out what MY emotional state is. Usually, when i figure it out, i then can give Her the report of my status.

It is a requirement in our Agreements that i utilize this Principle. I don't have a problem being honest about how i am feeling. I am usually a little over-zealous with people and give too much information. This isn't the case between Master and i. And i'm usually pretty excited when i can figure out what is going on with me and why. And want to report to Her right away.

I want to avoid the traps and pitfalls i've had in other relationships, with the lying, and emotional dishonesty. So far, with Master, we both do pretty good about owning up to how we feel. It is a refreshing change!

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