03/19/04

Since my last entry, which seems a long time ago, but was really only a couple weeks, i quit the job that i took on. It turned out that working pretty much full time in the heat, with the glove irritated my hands again. I am once again faced with my hands being infected. i'm back on the Lamisil, and had to have another shot on Monday. This is really, really frustrating because they were all healed up, and i thought i could go back to work.

The job also turned out to be physically exhausting, and something that i couldn't do. I hate to admit it, but there are some things i cannot do anymore. *sigh*. On positive notes: Master and i were able to engage in a really awesome scene last week. The bruises lasted about a week. I attempted to go to that very primal space i can get to sometimes, and instead went to a very horny space. Mind you i was extremely hard before we started, and during it the way the energy was transformed, put me in that very sexual place. I don't usually go there during beatings. This is like only the third time. It resulted with me masturbating in front of Her. When we first got together, that was something that i couldn't do for Her. It caused all sorts of stress when She ordered me one night to masturbate for Her.

This was one of those times where it wasn't a"will i or won't i" scenario. When She was done beating me She threw me to the floor, and told me what She wanted. All i wanted was some kind of sexual release from the pain coursing through my body.

I'm also working on obedience issues. Like being more obedient. That is an on-going struggle. We now have a weekly To Do list, and i am supposed to check off the things that i do accomplish every week. This isn't set up to be a reward/punishment system. It is so that Master can keep track of some of the things i am supposed to do. This is on top of the daily To do lists i have.

I think it is helping me in that slave space. At least i hope it is. I've been having down days again, and since the hands broke out again, all i want to do is sleep. The other day i slept like 12 hours, and again last night and this morning. It's frustrating because i want to be up and awake, and taking care of stuff. We have a houseguest coming at the end of April, and i need to have the Apartment in some kind of order that is conducive to having visitors of this caliber. Also the person staying with us is a High Protocol Domme, so i need to have my behaviors in line. Its the be on good behavior boy stuff. And that's my own head, not Master telling me i HAVE TO. Of course there is the desire to represent Her properly. And if i am not behaving that reflects poorly on Her.

I think over the course of time i have become better behaved, and more of slave mentality then not. But it's hard to judge. Sometimes, i am in more boy space then slave-boy space, and that can make it hard to act accordingly.

There are no hard and fast rules. Only those that Master lays out for me. And as time goes on, i hope that i can get to a place where i am pleasing Her more often then displeasing Her. I have an incredible desire to serve. But sometimes only when it suits my purposes. There's the debate that a slave should only desire what their Master/Mistress desires for them...again i can be very selfish. And not having had a Master in a very long time, i developed a sense of ego that seems to be almost non-destructible. When i remove that ego, and allow the slave heart to function, i find that i can be in a much happier place.

We did have an issue about my quitting the job. I had made it very clear to Master that i did not wish to return to the job, and gave Her my reasons. I thought She had given me a clear signal on this decision. I went ahead and quit the job, and She doesn't remember stating clearly that that was an ok thing to do. We discussed the situation, and She chose no disciplinary action, because it was not clear whether i had superceded Her authority or not. It was one of those either/or situations where She chose leniency instead of disipline.

I am a very lucky boy!

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