december

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DM's Realm

12.28.05
11:30 a.m.

It's been a busy couple weeks for this boy. Running around getting the house ready for guests, general shopping and errands, taking care of Master and Her owie, and taking care of Mamasita.

I've been frustrated about the mom situation. She's not someone who will change, nor even attempt to see someone else's perspective. If it is not about HER world and her life, there isn't much retention factor, or focus. I'm doing the best I can. I'm working on being patient. tolerant, and kind. It doesn't come easy. It took me over a year to get to this point when I lived at home with my parents back in '00. I've only been here a couple of months...I guess it is different living with your family, I knew most of their quirks. This family I don't know so well. Just because I know Master, it is not a reflection on the rest of Her kin. Getting along with them is taking some getting used to.

I want Master to be better. She's frustrated too. Wants off the crutches, wants to help, and simply can't. Even the simplest things are hard, and the last two days have involved some intense pain in Her leg. We see the Dr. tomorrow, so we'll know more then.

We went to Kansas City a little over a week ago. It was a good trip, and a good drive. We met some new people, and found a possible temporary helper. She came over last week and helped me do some of the cleaning.

It is really hard for me not being able to focus on good food for Master. My time involves many loads of laundry, vacuuming, meals, and general care-taking. Because Master cannot do the things She normally does to help me out, I can't focus on the quality of food, or mass production for later consumption. We talked about this, and about my ability to focus on feeding us well. (We ran into a little snafu the other day over the food issue). The result was I was able to spend the day yesterday in the kitchen. OH HAPPY DAY!

• Vegetable Stock
• Rice
• Black Beans
• Vegetarian Chili
• Bread & Bread bowls
• Potato Soup
• Apple Sauce

Let it stand for the record: I miss my apprentice/assistant/cooking student iangeisha...Oh lordy did I need her yesterday! And I miss teaching someone all the process of what I am doing. Especially the bread making, since we hadn't gotten to that lesson yet.

Now, there is food in the refrigerator that I can just reheat. There is yummy, wholesome bread, there are vegetables and stuff in the refrigerator for saute/side dishes. This is a good thing. Yeah, I went shopping and got about $70.00 worth of food. It was a happy thing. Now we have to eat all this food so it doesn't spoil. Don't think that will be a problem.

And today, I am much more relaxed then yesterday, or the day before. I was able to do something that I love to do. The people in the house were all freaked out. They don't understand the passion of a "good dough day" or how the bread is proofing, or how well something came out. I am continually amazed at people's inability to discern what is quality, and what is good for them. Is this why America has the #1 overweight population of the world?

Master's sister is in the hospital. She went in yesterday morning. They are running tests today, it is making for a tense environment in the house.

I am coping well with two extra people in the house. I thought I would get more freaked out by it. It's nice to have other people to talk to for a change.

And that's the little bitty update. At least I've got a couple of days of rest; I don't have to go to the sister's house, and I don't have to shuttle Mamasita around. So I can focus on just Master and my service to Her. YaY!

Oh yeah, I got three new pans for Xmas...a saute pan, and large and small frying pans. They're the calaphon wear, they work great. I always feel a bit guilty when folks give me something and I don't have anything to give back. I came up with a little something. So I feel better about that. It's the whole I don't celebrate xmas, I celebrate Solstice, and so many people don't get it. Especially here in the Heartland...

I was also able to take some time out to get a little creative. Here's the result...

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12.12.05
10:00 p.m.

The snow has almost melted. It climbed upwards of 50 degrees. I'm considering this "warm" these days. Oh, what a thought.

I asked Master in typical boy-like fashion, "Where does the snow go when it melts?" This is a valid question for someone from the dry lands, the places where they talk about "letting the water down" when the snow melts. This then fills the resevoirs to capacity, making it necessary to release water, that causes the flooding.

I see the snow gone. I don't see flooding or hear about bridges out, or water damage. Master said that the snow melts into the ground, and that is why everything blooms in the spring, because of all the water that the land soaks up.

This is an entirely foreign concept to me. But one I will accept.

I learned to drive in the snow. Friday I went out, and pushed the car through the sludge and the slippery white stuff. It was kind of fun. I was careful, and because I had Mamasita in the car, exercised more caution. Master was very worried about me driving in the funny white stuff. Quite frankly I'm more worried about icy bridges then slushy, melty snow. I know all about the dangers of black ice, especially on bridges. So I'm not trying to go out later at night, when the ice happens.

If all goes well, we will be making a trip to Kansas City on Sunday, to connect with lifestyle people, and start finding that community out here in the flatlands. I read my friends journals, and I miss home. Reading descriptions, and being reminded of what I've left behind causes homesickness.

Although I've continued to be a very productive boy. I made another trip to Goodwill today and made chocolate chip cookies. Yesterday I got the living room cleaned up and vacuumed, and books ready to donate to the library. There's been so much that I've done, I'm not remembering it all. Mostly I'm trying to help Master through the boredom of a gimped up leg. And Her own homesickness, and working through the desire of wanting play and sex, and not being able to have any of it right now.

We continue with the M/s dynamic. I work on being respectful and mindful of Her desires and wishes. And though sometimes I think I'm not doing the things She wants me to be doing, I'm doing the things that we both know HAVE to be done. I ask for guidence, and sometimes I meet with resistance on Her part to want to guide me. So I've discovered an interesting thing, slaves aren't the only ones who encounter resistance. It seems that Master/Mistresses/Tops/Dommes can have resistance too. They might call it something else, but I noticed yesterday what it felt like. And having a Master in a position of vulnerability is not an easy thing.

And this evening I've felt like crying. I don't know why. It's there, around the edges, plaguing me. I'm cranky and don't want to play well with others, and feel on the verge of some sort of explosion of emotion. I can't find the source, I don't know why, it could just be sheer frustration, anxiety, and stress crowding in on me, with no outlet to express it safely and sanely.

So, tomorrow I make it a priority to go to a meeting. Tomorrow, I find some time to start a creative project. Tomorrow I take some boy time, to not be the responsible, functioning adult in the relationship. The one who has to carry all the weight on his shoulders.

At least I got to the library and found some books to read, as well as check out the books for Master that she requested.

I'm looking forward to Sunday, and finding a way to vent the emotions that are crashing in right at this moment, in this very now!

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12.06.05
8:00 p.m.

Well, I'm feeling much better. After mega-doses of vitamin C, magnesium, pau d' arco, and astragalus, I have beat the acute bronchitis. I still have a lingering cough, but no fever, dizziness, tiredness, or extreme WANT TO SLEEP all day.

The last two or three days have been extremely productive. I cleaned out a closet so that we could move some stuff into it. Took a load of items to Goodwill, did mega loads of laundry, put up bits of shelving things to hold some of our stuff; and the big step: Today I got the iguana cage into the house and put together. I even got all his stuff in there and his lights up. They aren't on timers yet, but they are up. It was the BIG project hanging over my head. That frees up some of the garage so that I can start sorting and weaning. There's more of Mamasita's stuff to be donated. I'll be making quite a few trips to Goodwill in the next two weeks. My goal is to have the christmas stuff donated before the holiday comes, so that people who want these things can buy them, and it goes to homes that want them.

I've been pacing myself so that I don't have a relapse. I am living in wet weather and need to be careful. They are predicting 3-6 inches of snow in the next day or so, and I still haven't driven on icy, snowy roads yet. The time is at hand, I'll have to do it whether I want to or not. Master is hesitant and worried about me driving in snow, but a friend gave me a few tips, and I do know how to drive in the rain. I imagine I have to be more cautious then driving in a monsoon.

The temperature has been between 20-30 degrees...cold! cold! Did I say C-O-L-D! I've decided, it's just going to be cold, so I have to get used to it.

I've been working on the slave head space thing. Had Master prioritize my to-do list. There's still a few things on it, but I've whittled it down. Although when I was out the other day, I forgot to buy water at like three places. Felt very upset about this. I was in the "I suck" headspace, which Master was not in the mood for. Several times She addressed this with me, and I still insisted on feeling "sucky." It resulted in a long conversation about our situation and how uncomfortable we feel, and how She doesn't feel useful due to the broken leg. It's just the way things are right now, and we have to make the best of it, and it's not a very respectful thing for me to run around saying I suck. Because, in reality, I don't. And neither does She. We are still adjusting to the shock of the move. I pointed out that I'd never been in weather like this, and I've never been tested for Seasonal Affective Disorder, and that maybe the lack of sunshine, and the onset of the cold has spiraled a negative response in me that I wasn't recognizing. Yeah, we might be burning lightbulbs, but right now, neither of us need to spiral into depression. And light combats the S.A.D.

So we work on the Master/slave Dynamic. I work on my language, and being respectful, and we both work on adjusting to the situation, surroundings, and not being in our own home. And I'll keep my chin up, and continue to be as good a slave boy as possible.

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12.02.05
10:45 p.m.

I was a bit better today and actually got out of the house! I went to purchase a printer/copier/scanner, for a really good price at Target. I've been utilizing the scanner and finding out what works best. I haven't had one to play with in a while.

I also got some grocery shopping done, and got to talk to a very dear friend whom I miss so much (well I miss everyone!) It's so great to know that some people can walk a certain path and discover things, and continue to grow through all of the hard work it takes to become enlightened, and evolved.

I'm so glad I'm feeling better. Yesterday was horrendous. Spent most of the day in bed wanting to puke my guts out. Master was attempting to get me out of bed, when I came to the living room, she saw how bad I was feeling and relieved me of any further duties for the day. Maybe I burned most of it out. I'm still coughing, but not nauseous and feeling like my stomach has been kicked in by a giant.

I also had the energy to clean up the living room a bit tonight. That felt really good. It was really starting to feel claustrophobic in here. Hopefully tomorrow I'll have the energy to tackle the office. I'm just afraid that by the time I have all this worked out it will be time to get on back home. Median temperature during the day? 35 degrees. I'm not a happy lizard boy!

Time to go get some sleep. I'm going to have some new images for the slideshows in a few days, so keep an eye out for those. I really do have to create some working space for working on images, both video and still; working on converting the albums to mp3's, and working on the collage idea I have for the TV altar. (after being confounded for about 6 years, I finally figured out what I want to do, now it's about how to apply that idea!). Organization is ever so important for the process of art. And we aren't organized. It would help Master out immensley to have everything available, in order to alleviate boredom and being stir crazy. I am just about stir crazy myself, but am working hard on staying centered and focused.

At least I feel better, lets hope it sticks!

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