06.15.05
7:30 p.m.
Busy, busy, busy...I've been spending time in the kitchen, juicing things, and then cleaning afterward. I've also been helping Master work through this period of unemployment.
She's been going to the Outplacement seminars, and learning so much about the level of power She has when looking for Her next job. I've been listening, and offering input on various ideas and concepts that She has been tossing around. I'm glad She got motivated enough to continue the Outplacement, and is learning from it.
She needs to get back to work and soon. Three months of no work, and the strain is starting to show, in little ways, and sometimes big ways. I've been making sure i separate what the frustrations are, because left to my own devices, I'd think it was all me causing the problems and the stress.
Work is going well. Our hours are going to be cut back drastically. Chef let me know that it is ok to apply for unemployment. So Monday i spent time down at the Unemployment Office, only to find out that I didn't even have to be there. You can apply on line now.
I received the paperwork in the mail today. That was fast for Unemployment. I've also re-activated with a Temp agency i've worked with in the past. And there's the option of finding part-time work in other kitchens. One in particular that i'm going to look at. I talked to Chef about it today, and He seemed ok with me going to work somewhere else to make up the hours and the time I'll miss working at the Club.
I love my job, and i don't want to work anywhere else. I like working with Chef, and if He decided to leave the Club and go somewhere else, I'd probably follow. I'm that loyal to him. So the temp work is a better option than working in another kitchen that actually might want to steal me away. The reason I have to seek other employment is that it is a stipulation with Unemployment that you seek out other work in order to gain your benefits. Even though I am considered full-time with reduction in hours at my current job.
I have the "fact-finding" interview on Monday, where I can state my position, and ask questions. After that I'll know whether i have to continue seeking other employment or not. I don't like the system and how it works, but over the last couple of years, i learned how to play the game really well...I can get through this.
We are also seeking another housemate. It would be ideal if we could find one by July 1st, right before the next chunk of rent is due. It is really hard to find a good match. I'm confident that the Universe is going to work this out for us. We're doing all the footwork...hopefully the Universe will help provide the means to meet our financial obligations.
I'm in a very good space about slavery. I've been more focused and concentrated on Master, and doing Her bidding. I've felt less selfish and more service-oriented. This could be due to a number of factors, one of them is when I realized True Surrender, and got back to the basics of what my service to Master is. I'm realizing again how treasured and valued I am, even after three years. It seems that the commitment is growing and strengthening, not bending or breaking. We are both very lucky to have found each other. It is a good match, even when I struggle with concepts of independence, and "what the fuck am i doing" thoughts.
We've had a few solid interactions in the realms of S/m. I've overcome whatever block i had about pain. I've asked Master for specific things in order to help break through the block. Last Sat. night we went to a play party, and even with the people there that I didn't like, I was able to interact with Master at the intense levels. She gave me a caning...thorough, complete, draw out the pain and feed on it, caning. It left me shaking and sobbing, and also released. The night before She had spent some time "pushing" me around. Something we did when we first came together. I asked for it; I volunteered willingly to a Dominance Scene. We have this nice sized empty room. Nothing to fall on and break your head. She dragged me in there, and was able to get to that level of meanness that I felt was missing between us. It is really hard to describe what She does during these times. It is a physical and mental domination, no tools of torture, or implements of pain involved. Just Her, me, the lights in the room. My hands were chained behind my back, and She came at me with body, and voice. It came very close to interrogation, although when we talked about it later, She had not perceived it that way. These kinds of scenes help my focus, and help me remember that i am owned. Completely. I am willing on a daily basis to turn over my willpower to Hers. She has the authority and power in our relationship. Sometimes being forced into a reminder of that helps me focus on the daily grind thing, with Her in the forefront of my thoughts.
I hope that this stage lasts for awhile. I'm glad i'm out of that struggling place, and into the place of surrender and abandon to the will of another. Even if I will be working 12-14 hour days in the coming two or three months, those days need to be filled with thoughts of Master, and Her desires for this slave.
back to the top
| 
