She's been going to the Outplacement seminars, and learning so much about the level of power She has when looking for Her next job. I've been listening, and offering input on various ideas and concepts that She has been tossing around. I'm glad She got motivated enough to continue the Outplacement, and is learning from it.

She needs to get back to work and soon. Three months of no work, and the strain is starting to show, in little ways, and sometimes big ways. I've been making sure i separate what the frustrations are, because left to my own devices, I'd think it was all me causing the problems and the stress.

Work is going well. Our hours are going to be cut back drastically. Chef let me know that it is ok to apply for unemployment. So Monday i spent time down at the Unemployment Office, only to find out that I didn't even have to be there. You can apply on line now.

I received the paperwork in the mail today. That was fast for Unemployment. I've also re-activated with a Temp agency i've worked with in the past. And there's the option of finding part-time work in other kitchens. One in particular that i'm going to look at. I talked to Chef about it today, and He seemed ok with me going to work somewhere else to make up the hours and the time I'll miss working at the Club.

I love my job, and i don't want to work anywhere else. I like working with Chef, and if He decided to leave the Club and go somewhere else, I'd probably follow. I'm that loyal to him. So the temp work is a better option than working in another kitchen that actually might want to steal me away. The reason I have to seek other employment is that it is a stipulation with Unemployment that you seek out other work in order to gain your benefits. Even though I am considered full-time with reduction in hours at my current job.

I have the "fact-finding" interview on Monday, where I can state my position, and ask questions. After that I'll know whether i have to continue seeking other employment or not. I don't like the system and how it works, but over the last couple of years, i learned how to play the game really well...I can get through this.

We are also seeking another housemate. It would be ideal if we could find one by July 1st, right before the next chunk of rent is due. It is really hard to find a good match. I'm confident that the Universe is going to work this out for us. We're doing all the footwork...hopefully the Universe will help provide the means to meet our financial obligations

. I'm in a very good space about slavery. I've been more focused and concentrated on Master, and doing Her bidding. I've felt less selfish and more service-oriented. This could be due to a number of factors, one of them is when I realized True Surrender, and got back to the basics of what my service to Master is. I'm realizing again how treasured and valued I am, even after three years. It seems that the commitment is growing and strengthening, not bending or breaking. We are both very lucky to have found each other. It is a good match, even when I struggle with concepts of independence, and "what the fuck am i doing" thoughts.

We've had a few solid interactions in the realms of S/m. I've overcome whatever block i had about pain. I've asked Master for specific things in order to help break through the block. Last Sat. night we went to a play party, and even with the people there that I didn't like, I was able to interact with Master at the intense levels. She gave me a caning...thorough, complete, draw out the pain and feed on it, caning. It left me shaking and sobbing, and also released. The night before She had spent some time "pushing" me around. Something we did when we first came together. I asked for it; I volunteered willingly to a Dominance Scene. We have this nice sized empty room. Nothing to fall on and break your head. She dragged me in there, and was able to get to that level of meanness that I felt was missing between us. It is really hard to describe what She does during these times. It is a physical and mental domination, no tools of torture, or implements of pain involved. Just Her, me, the lights in the room. My hands were chained behind my back, and She came at me with body, and voice. It came very close to interrogation, although when we talked about it later, She had not perceived it that way. These kinds of scenes help my focus, and help me remember that i am owned. Completely. I am willing on a daily basis to turn over my willpower to Hers. She has the authority and power in our relationship. Sometimes being forced into a reminder of that helps me focus on the daily grind thing, with Her in the forefront of my thoughts.

I hope that this stage lasts for awhile. I'm glad i'm out of that struggling place, and into the place of surrender and abandon to the will of another. Even if I will be working 12-14 hour days in the coming two or three months, those days need to be filled with thoughts of Master, and Her desires for this slave.

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I was writing about an essay I want to produce. One about food, health and our society, and how we have sanitized the process of food production. It is half-formed, and no time to write it right now. Not even sure if I will post it here, or put it on Master's journal, or try to get it published. I'm sure many other people have written about the same thing, but it would be coming from my perspectives.

There's stuff in our garage that belongs to someone else, stuff in our refrigerator taking up room, stuff that needs to be moved out of here to make room for the next phase in our life, and both Master and I have the urge to throw things out, sell them, or give the stuff away. We are resisting. Giving Tex a chance to come get his stuff. And it feels like a time factor.

It is official. Master and I have just passed three years of being together. Has it really been that long? It feels like a lifetime and just a moment in time. I haven't taken any time to reflect on the "anniversary." Partially due to the fact that it comes right after my birthday, and Master isn't big on celebrating anniversaries. I'm not either, any more. Time is an illusion, and our participation in the marking of time contributes to the illusion. If I think, "wow, it's been three years." I can get caught in a loop that leads back to the past, and other relationships and people that were in my life. I get into those stuck spaces on how this or that relationship was, and begin the comparsion game.

There is no comparing this relationship with the ones in my past. It is different, and better, and happier, and so much more. The cumulation of my life experiences, brought into this one moment, this one point in time where Master and I clicked, and the Universe said, "You will do this."

It is odd, not living in the past. Feels funny sometimes to be free of that big bag of shit that I used to carry around. Sure I still get trapped into old behaviors. Something sends off a signal that triggers the response. I have found ways to move out of those old behaviors, and into new ones. I've worked on developing positive responses, instead of reactive ones. That was work!

There aren't a whole lot of people in the world that operate this way. I don't expect that the entire population of the planet operate the way we do, but it's a nice fantasy. I can be responsible for my little corner of energy and try to use positivity to help feed into the world's energy. That's also a lot of work. I've finally relaxed into this relationship, and this life I'm leading. The goal is forward motion...so forward I go.

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Spent time in the kitchen tonight, which is why i am up so late. I want to get up an hour earlier tomorrow morning so i can do my writing and then get some apples juiced. I'm really liking the fresh apple juice.

Pretty much the food in our kitchen is 95-97 percent fresh. I use minimal pre-packaged and canned goods. Food like olives and pickles still come from a can, and Master's diced tomatos that she likes in Her comfort food. Other than that, the seitan and tofu, it's all fresh. I'm sure this really freaked out Tex. His pantry was full of pre-packed mixes, spices, and canned goods. And his cooking consisted mostly of microwave usage. Except when he made chili from his chili kits.

Tex...I promised to write about the moving. He was throwing useful items away in the garbage out back. Master and i would diligently go retrieve the items. It's not that we want more junk in our lives, the things he was throwing out can be reused. Most of the trash he threw out was recycleable. Frustrating. I wasn't about to go digging through the garbage to pull out the recycling, although I had a moment where I thought I might do that.

The urge and desire to help were also strong. He only asked for help once, and that was to move some of his really big stuff out of his room and into the garage. He was supposed to have ALL of his stuff out of the garage by today. He came over and got one load in a friend's truck. Neither Master nor I were home by the time he left. He came back later, after we were home, but did not come inside. He only took one more small load by himself. I heard something fall in the garage, but I fought the urge to run out there to make sure he was ok. I am remaining detached. It's hard because we worked at the same place, and people there knew we were housemates.

And there are still piles of his stuff in the garage. Master is working on a painting project, and I really want to start parking the car in the garage again, and we can't do either of these things until his stuff is gone. Yet another cause of frustration. I also have another project i am ready to start on that requires room in the garage. All I can do is let this stuff go and hope the Universe guides him gently on his journey.

People can be frustrating. The trip to X-mart last night seems to have shaken me a bit. At work today I hit my anti-people stage. I didn't want to be around them, I didn't want to be around whatever was going on. There was some kind of loud disagreement between two people, and I just hunkered down and continued my job. I got a ride home since Master was still in Her workshop. So I had a little bit of time to myself-like half an hour, still, it was better than no time alone.

I was able to resolve the anti-people stage by the time I had to go to food city. I pretty much kept to myself at work and did my job. I interacted with Chef a little bit, but the lead line guy seemed to not want to be around me at all. And I can't really figure this one out. I need to ask him tomorrow if I did something to offend him. It's grating me a bit, and contributing to the anti people condition.

It is a good thing that Master isn't people. I can be around Her while I'm like this, and it's ok. That's because for months She kept telling me She wasn't people. I finally believed Her somewhere along the way, and let it be ok to be near Her even when I didn't want to be around anybody!

Why did the trip to X-mart set this off? I was writing earlier today that it is about the human condition. The people that shop at X-mart do so because of low prices, the income they have demands that they shop somewhere with reduced prices. When I see them, and look at them, I see misery and pain behind their eyes, I feel the energy of depression and unhappiness. I went in with shields up, but I was still affected, not by the energy, but by the condition these people are in. I want to scream and shout that there are other ways, you don't have to be so miserable and lonely, and ignorant. I feel like that is a judgement call, and who am I to judge other people, being as different as I am? Knowing these same people look at me and make judgements and assumptions based solely on what I look like to them.

And that spirals me into a stage where I just don't want to go out and see people or be around them. And I am glad Tex didn't come into the house this afternoon when he picked up more of his stuff...because he is people.

Hopefully I'll be out of this in the next day or two, and back into my jovial, happy, people are ok self.

Talked to my cooking student finally. We are hoping to get together next week. Our conversation put me in a much better mood. It was weighing on me that I hadn't talked to her since our last lesson...when the housemate tried to engage me in an argument. It was a relief to get rid of that stress.

I must not allow so much stress in my life. Stress bad, happy good. As we continue this new diet, and eat healthier, and gain more momentum in our artistic endeavors, hopefully the stress will reduce as well.

That's one of the goals anyway...Happy Friday!

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