05.03.05
8:10 p.m.
It would be hard to recap the last few weeks that i haven't been writing. I'll attempt to put it in as clear a way as possible.
Work has been going well. Master received Her severance pay, and i'm not terribly worried, but my hours will become less as we head into the summer season. No one golfs when it's 110 degrees. So there's a bit of a worry that She has employment before my hours are lessened, and the money runs out. I'm dealing with it in the best way possible. Lots of turning this over to the Universe so i don't feel so stressed.
I've recommitted to my recovery program, and found someone i can work with, so that i am not burdening Master with the little details of the annoyances in my life. There's work i have to do that i feel is blocking my forward motion artistically. Maybe if i do this work, that block will loosen.
Now for really good news.
We negotiated with a friend here in town, and Master and i had our first co-topping scene on Friday night. Master knows about my fear of falling off the edge again. She kept that meanness in me in check, and when it was indicated, i was able to pull back, and listen to Her about when i needed to slow down, or stop, or do something different. The person we were playing with thoroughly enjoyed our attentions. One of the things i got to do was a bit of punching. At first i wasn't going to, but the feeling was right, and i went with it. There was this incredible sensation that flowed through being able to hit someone like that. One of my goals was to see if i could pull out a bit of the primal in the bottom...i almost succeeded, but with Master also working her over, the attention was divided too much to bring it out all the way. But i had a glimpse, and i liked it!
It was interesting energy between Master and i; me in front of the bottom, sometimes helping her breathe through the pain, sometimes hurting her while Master was inflicting pain on her backside. We would rotate, and Master and i kept that eye contact going through the whole thing.
We finally brought her down from the suspension bars, and helped her sit, and did a bit of aftercare.
Master then wanted to beat on me. We haven't had successful interactions the last several months, and we finally discovered why. Master got me hooked up into the cuffs, and started in. With each blow i was feeling more defensive, and getting angrier. Finally something shook loose in me, some kind of block. Some kind of very deep block. The reaction came up, Master stopped, got me down, and we went off to a more private corner of the dungeon, and She let me process through the block.
When i have an emotional/mental/physical reaction to something i do this very deep burping thing from my gut. It went on for probably ten minutes or so. The block was right below my solar plexus. Now, i've done all the therapy work, i've dealt with very deep issues, and i've reasoned to death why i am a kinky person. I no longer have to reason it out or defend myself. I am who i am. I am not using bdsm Scenes to process old stuff...but apparently there's stuff in there that wants to come out. It might just be all the new stuff all the changes in our lives that has me blocked.
I'm glad it came out. I still want to fight Her and hurt her back when She is beating on me, but the reaction now, several days later, is less than what it was Friday night.
I am only hoping we can move through this and move forward. I don't want to be in a stuck place about this. I am a masochist. I love pain. I enjoy submitting to the lash, the cane, the whatever implement Master chooses. I want to please Master in that submission, and let Her get out that sadistic energy. This block, this thing that is in the way needs to dissappate so we can get back to that dynamic.
Wrapped up in that block is also all the resistance i've been having to being a slave and in service to someone. There's huge stuff coming up about that. "Why am i here, why am i doing this? What is the need? I don't need to be doing this. I'm a strong, independent individual, i don't need someone in my life telling me what to do every day."
The reality is that i really do have a slaveheart. That the resistance is a normal human reaction to a situation i've agreed on. It's not so severe that i want to ask to change our dynamic, but it has been serious enough that i've been disobedient, and disgruntled in my service to Master.
This is shaking loose and changing a bit. My life today is very good. If left to my own devices i don't make very good choices about how to spend my time, and what to do and where to go. Master helps me keep in check the destructive side that wants to come out and run rampant in my life, and that could be what i'm fighting right now, that desire just to screw everything up, and make a mess of things. Fortunately i am with someone who is willing to listen to all of this rambling, and help me sort out the priorities. That's what a good Master does with their slaves. Give them guidence when they feel the walls are crashing down.
We had been moving to deeper places of submission and Mastery, and that resistance in me just didn't want to go there. Didn't want to succomb to a deeper level. Let's just keep it on the surface, this is for fun, right? Wrong. This is my life and a path i chose for a reason. It's Master's life, and She also chose this path for a reason. And she's willing to work through all of this because this isn't just a temporary fly by night situation...this is about the long haul.
And i find myself amazed that no matter how resistant or disgruntled i am, She still shows me that love and compassion deep in Her heart.
And again i am humbled. I am in Her service, and all i can do is work on bettering myself. When i listen, and obey Her wishes, i find myself in a happier place than when i resist. It is that simple. Service helps me focus. And i had forgotten that for a couple of months. It is time to refocus that deep desire to serve that lives within. It needs to be stronger than the resistance that threatens to pull me away from what makes me happy.
And being in the service of Master makes me happy.
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