05.18.05
10:15 p.m.

Master had informed me a few weeks ago of Andrea Dworkin's death. I'd put it out of my head, having many, many other things going on in my life at the time. I subscribe to Susie Bright's Monthly Newsletter. At the beginning of the year she had started a blog. She is a prolific writer, with too many credits to mention here. How she finds the time to blog on a daily basis, and keep up with her professional writer's life boggles this boy's brains.

I just received her May newsletter. I haven't been keeping up with her blog like i did when it first started. In the newsletter, she had a link to the "Eulogy for Andrea Dworkin." Probably the best one you could ever read. Having a past history with Dworkin, next to Gloria Steinam, she is probably the most qualified to write about her.

This is old history for me. It takes me back to my feminist Activist days (yes, i had those), my college days, and the trip to New York, where I saw Dworkin read one of her pieces, and had the good fortune to meet Ms. Steinam. And...I remember my roots, and where I am today.

I wouldn't be HERE without the three of them. They all helped shape my concept of self, my politics, and my sexuality/gender queerness.

Without Steinam, i wouldn't have had the power and support of the Feminist Movement to allow me the freedom to be who I am.

Without Dworkin, I would not have begun to understand my aversion/attraction to pornography. Nor would I have been able to study pornography in college and gain film critique language to understand what I was watching, beyond the thrill of voyeurism, and the FUCK. My film theorist Instructor of two years introduced me to Dworkin's perceptions, and counter-acted it with a bit of a healthier view.

Without Susie Bright I would not be comfortable with my gender-queerness. Sexual Politics are a hotbed, and she made loving the female man ok in the Movie "Virgin Machine" (the German title is "Jungfrauenmaschine Die."). Without her, I wouldn't have had all those old issues of "On Our Backs" to drool over, filled with steamy, wonderful lesbian Erotica/Porn and Beyond. Susie Bright is a powerful voice in our Nation, whom I finally got to meet during a presentation and book-signing in a Public Library basement in Tucson. (the same place where several years later I would have the pleasure to meet Patrick Califia).

Life revolves around constructs and definitions. Bright made a poignant and accurate statement when she wrote "...when you’re famous for one thing, no one wants to see you change unless you reject it all, like a pathetic sinner seeking redemption." (from Susie Bright's "Andrea Dworkin has died")

Sometimes, I feel that way. I have moved beyond the definition of Lesbian, yet the outside world still sees me as a Butch Lesbian on those days when my androgeny shines through. At work, they can't seem to get past that box. I'm the "lesbian." And I'm ok with that as long as the people who are close to me and love me TRULY understand who and what I am, a slave boy/Daddy in female form, not striving to change physically, but who identifies as primarily masculine.

And that would not be possible without pioneers of forward thought and movement. Pioneers who fought against odds, and took the Male Patriarchal Structure to task for unfair treatment of over half the human race, women. Women who influenced my life without ever knowing it, and who influenced countless other people like me.

Dworkin, Steinam, and Bright.

05.17.05
5:30 p.m

Master's computer caught a virus, so i'm backing up files, and going to do a full wipe and reinstall, what fun...doing it tongiht. The copying of the back up files is going to take a long ass time. I just tried to do something on Her computer while copying the shared files, and lost the network connection...not fun.

She was running Her system without virus protection. We were cruising along ok, then she bought some game cd at a yard sale and installed it. When i finally got a virus program on there, it was basically too late. I know that there might be easier ways to fix this, however, the damn bug is affecting so much stuff. It's better to just go ahead with a clean install and start fresh. I just got my system up to good working standards...why oh why!

We went to Master Bert and slave nadine's presentation last night. It was called "The blessings of our desires." Bert showed us how even through conflict life can be full of blessings. It was very interactive, and full of audience participation, and i had alot to say, apparently. Because i've come through so much conflict into a relationship that is healthy and balanced. That is a huge blessing for me.

Master had to go see another dr. today to find out if the abcess that She had needed to be relieved. The good news is that the doctor said no, no need to cut anything (YAY!) and She has a scheduled mammogram for Monday. It will be Her first one. I'll be there with Her so that She can get through it easier. When i did mine a year or two ago,

i had to go alone...poor poor boy. This is what support is all about though, getting through the unpleasent stuff together.

I had a little omelette station today at work. I got in around 7:15 a.m. and got everything set up. Then got to stand around for almost an hour until the Ladies decided it was time to eat. They took a picture of me, the guest of honor, and my food runner. I fed them omelettes, and they all thought they were outstanding. Then i went back to the line, cooked a bunch of steaks and stuff, and Master picked me up to go to the dr.

I'm really feeling good about this job. Sure i make mistakes sometimes, but i don't get laughed at (well sometimes), and we all get along pretty well. We've got a long hot summer ahead of us, which means spending lots of time together when it's not busy. It's a good thing we all get along.

I'm feeling very verbose right now. Lots of words need to come out of me. I'm writing every morning for half an hour (i take one day off a week), and getting back to writing more regularly on this journal. It's just a need right now to feed the creative beast, and find words to make into poetry. I haven't written anything new in a while, and i'm feeling a push to do so. By writing every day, something will come out, eventually. I just don't want it to be all hearts and flowers, and smchaltzy stuff. When life is good the tendancy is to write the light stuff, and i don't want to write the light stuff, i want to delve into some poetry about BDSM. I haven't gone there much in my poetry. I'm not afraid of what might come out, i just don't know where to start. I'm not even afraid of the blank page, it's getting that first line, that first phrase, that first turn out of the way, then the rest falls into place.

Sometimes it is a blessing to be an artist. Sometimes a curse, either way, i need to be in the moment of creation to be leading a complete life.

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5.16.05
4:30 p.m.

It was a long week last week. Much activity. We took a drive to Tucson on Monday, with friends. Went out to the Saguaro National Monument West. Climbed a trail, and sat out looking at desert & mountains one way, and the town of Picture Rocks the other way. I was able to show the friends and Master how you could see Kitt Peak Observatory, even so far away.

We wandered down 4th Ave. and had lunch at one of my favorite Guatamalan restaurants. Stopped in to say hi to Kanella, and had a shopping trip at Antigone's Bookstore. It was a good day.

Master had planned to go to the Dungeon that night for the topic night. It was Astrology and BDSM. I was so very tired. She allowed me to stay home and sleep while she went off to be among friends, and learn more about astrology. She came home very excited about the presentation. I managed to sleep something like 12 hours.

I'm back on a six day work schedule. And Thursday night was another Chef's table. Friday night we had a friend over for initial negotiations, and a get to know ya conversation. There was no play involved, both Master and i were too exhausted. But there are wonderful possibilities there.

Back to work Sunday for me. Since we had been so busy during the week, there was no time to have a necessary conversation with the housemate. We came to a decision a couple weeks ago that we need to cut our loses, and look for someone else. We needed to relay this to him. Both Master and i were dreading it. We don't like to give people bad news, especially when they are not well. None the less, we cannot continue living with this person. We told him, and his response was that he wanted out too, but he wanted to give us the full thirty days. We are ok with him leaving by the 1st of June, it gives us time to find someone, or for Master to find a well paying job. (35-40.000 range). If she was making that much, we wouldn't need a roommate. We could support ourselves, and have this great house to have parties in, and to run around in.

I suppose Tex took the news as well as possible. I am trying very hard not to go to the icky place: the "what ifs". Master said to concentrate on the other things, like Her getting a well-paying job that She likes; finding the right housemate that will fit in with our living style. We have pretty high standards. Someone who doesn't drink, who lives a positive, healthy life, someone who is lifestyle, preferably has a day job that is steady income, and who can be interactive with us. We aren't that hard to get along with. A vegatarian would be nice, but that would just be a bonus. It is a pretty big order to fill, but right now i am focusing on Trusting the Universe to provide the right person, within a reasonable time frame (before July). I'm trusting that Tex will be able to get his stuff out of here by the end of the month, or at least through the first week of June. It means we lose the sofas and the entertainment center, but that is just stuff we can purchase for ourselves.

Life provides challenges. These days it is about how i meet and resolve the challenges. It is about staying in the solution, finding the positive side of the situations. Staying out of all the garbage and negativity that can collect around people. Heck, i am not a nuclear waste site, and i refuse to become one. I came from that place where i allowed people to dump all their toxic negativity on to me. It has been a long slow climb out of that. Master helps me stay focused in the present. She guides me into seeing beyond just my own little world. She points out how our decisions can lead to chain reactions. If it is a negative decision that chain reaction can lead to explosion. If it is a positive decision, that chain reaction can lead into love, and light, and an even better life.

Whew, that is a lot for a slave boy to handle. I sit here and scratch my head and wonder how i went from being miserable, and barely able to see past my own nose, to being happy, well cared for, and able to see the inclusivity of life. I feel connected and strong, and up to utilizing my energy for the two tasks ahead of us, while maintaining my job, my slave heart, and finding that Daddy space again that hasn't been exercised in so long.

This slave boy is grateful for Master, and for being alive and well and thriving today!

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