05.24.05
10:00 p.m.

True Surrender

I've been working on being productive. Some time ago Master had set aside some cds, with the tracks picked out that she wanted to save by burning them to the computer, and then organize and burn to cds. We could then sell or trade the cds, and still have some of Her favorite songs from them. I spent last night and tonight doing that project. I updated some of diecastpoetry.com...hadn't realized that i still had an invalid p.o. box on there. Now the only way to order the books is through paypal. (not a bad deal if you ask me...please order my books). I have much more info to put onto that site, artist links, and endorsements. It is a long slow process, but like i said, i am working on being productive. I still need to get the bookkeeping done. Dragging my ass on that one. But with the desks set up, and the "office" coming together, that will be taken care of soon. I have room to work now.

I've been writing almost every morning. I skip one here and there due to lack of sleep (like this morning), but almost every day i am up, and writing in a notebook. I am recommited to "The Artist's Way." I have more work to do in this area, like the artist's date, and the exercises, but it is about forward motion. My goal is to have completed the book by the end of the summer.

I'm making progress in recovery. Doing some work that i'd been avoiding over the last year. These are necessary actions for me to make progress, and stay on the sober path. I have no desire to lose today what i have gained in the last 3-5 years.

It has become critical that we find a new housemate. Having an active drinker in the house has put me at serious risk. Not to drink again, but to slide into old behaviors that are unhealthy for me to engage in. So i put out to the Universe that we need a housemate. See Master's journal for all the requirements for that person.

I had an "ah-ha" moment yesterday morning while having coffee with a friend. I had another revelation about surrender in my life. Surrender to the will of the Universe, and how i can have that continuous connection. How do i get out of my own head, get out of the way of how the Universe chooses to use me, and let the things happen that are supposed to happen? True surrender. Like the surrender to Master's will, i surrender to the will of the Universe, and accept that everything is where it is supposed to be right now. I have always had trouble with that particular phrasing/philosohpy, but at least i am beginning to recognize a level of truism in the expression.

I have gained forward momentum, finally, in my life. All sorts of things going on in life. Without this new level of Surrender to the Universe, that momentum could cease. I wouldn't go backward, but i could become stagnant, and i have no desire to be stagnant at this stage in my life. Master is working on guiding us towards Her goals. I am working on accepting them, and surrendering to that Authority, that is ultimately just another vehicle for the Universe to use me in the ways i am supposed to be used.

Moments of clarity and flashes of optimism. We'll see how far along we get. I only ask that it isn't too much for us to handle right now.

Master's post on "goals" (see above) outlines many activities that include the forward motion of this slave boy's art, and expression with food. It also talks about Marking me. Master discussed this with me yesterday. I would like a permanent mark as well, and i like the idea She has. She will be working out the details.

I have the funny feeling that life is about to get really, really busy!

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05.23.05
7:20 a.m.

It's all about being healthy, Mind/Body/Spirit. It is about not engaging in old behaviors and reacting from the past.

I have come a long way from even two years ago. I have shaken so much of the negative behaviors i used to have. I wish i could teach other people how to do this.

They were painful lessons. I have discovered that you can ask for lessons without pain. We as human beings are taught to expect pain as part of growth. "If it doesn't hurt, how do i know it is working?"

I was having a really good night last night with my sample cooking student. We had spent the evening making vegetable stock. While the stock was cooking, she looked at Master's computer. She was able to remove the problem without having to wipe the whole entire drive. (It wasn't a virus, it was adware that got on there when Master installed a game cd). I am grateful that she was able to remove the problem without too much headache. So i was in a really good space when the housemate came home and attempted to engage me in a negative argument. It was one of those cyclical things that would have gone no where and had the potential to end badly. When he started being combative, I stated that i wasn't going to do this (the fight), and walked out out of the house, and into the backyard. It was hard, it caused a lump in my throat, and there were so many things i wanted to say to him. Then, I remembered, it doesn't have to be painful. Master was seeing my student out, so didn't know where i was.

When I finally came inside i went right into the bedroom. She was on the couch watching the end of "The hunt for Red October."

This situation knocked me out of my "happy place." and sent me into anger, frustration and fear. I don't like those places anymore, and i don't like the behavior he tried to engage me in. I did the right thing by walking away.

When i came home from making my phone call, i curled up into bed next to Master, and we slept. I slept good too, for having had a close brush with the Negativity Monster. It just wasn't enough sleep. I wanted to be up early today to get some things done before going off to meet a friend for morning coffee.

And this morning I am so full of gratitude . Gratitude that i am alive, that our life is one of peace and love. that i have really good friends who are also healthy, that i have the tools today to not engage in chaos and bad behavior. Grateful that i have a Master who knows how to take care of Her slave boy, and who doesn't get mad when i have to go away in order to find help. I have gratitude today for living a life that is in alignment with my beliefs and attitudes. I am grateful for the Master that i am privilaged to serve. And, i remember to ask for lessons that are not painful!

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