I have come a long way from even two years ago. I have shaken so much of the negative behaviors i used to have. I wish i could teach other people how to do this. They were painful lessons. I have discovered that you can ask for lessons without pain. We as human beings are taught to expect pain as part of growth. "If it doesn't hurt, how do i know it is working?"

The lesson we are learning today with the housemate is a hard one, however, i do not want it to be painful. There is a way to remove him from our lives gracefully and without a fight.

I was having a really good night last night with my sample cooking student. We had spent the evening making vegetable stock. While the stock was cooking, she looked at Master's computer. She was able to remove the problem without having to wipe the whole entire drive. (It wasn't a virus, it was adware that got on there when Master installed a game cd). I am grateful that she was able to remove the problem without too much headache. So i was in a really good space when the housemate came home and attempted to engage me in a negative argument. It was one of those cyclical things that would have gone no where and had the potential to end badly. When he started being combative, I stated that i wasn't going to do this (the fight), and walked out out of the house, and into the backyard. It was hard, it caused a lump in my throat, and there were so many things i wanted to say to him. Then, I remembered, it doesn't have to be painful. Master was seeing my student out, so didn't know where i was. When I finally came inside i went right into the bedroom. She was on the couch watching the end of "The hunt for Red October." She finally came to bed and reminded me that there was someone i could call about this situation. I spent about half an hour on the phone, outside of the house, where the discussion would not be overheard by the housemate. This is about me, and my safety, not about what the other guy was doing.

This situation knocked me out of my "happy place." and sent me into anger, frustration and fear. I don't like those places anymore, and i don't like the behavior he tried to engage me in. I did the right thing by walking away.

When i came home from making my phone call, i curled up into bed next to Master, and we slept. I slept good too, for having had a close brush with the Negativity Monster. It just wasn't enough sleep. I wanted to be up early today to get some things done before going off to meet a friend for morning coffee.

And this morning I am so full of gratitude . Gratitude that i am alive, that our life is one of peace and love. that i have really good friends who are also healthy, that i have the tools today to not engage in chaos and bad behavior. Grateful that i have a Master who knows how to take care of Her slave boy, and who doesn't get mad when i have to go away in order to find help. I have gratitude today for living a life that is in alignment with my beliefs and attitudes. I am grateful for the Master that i am privilaged to serve. And, i remember to ask for lessons that are not painful!

I just received her May newsletter. I haven't been keeping up with her blog like i did when it first started. In the newsletter, she had a link to the "Eulogy for Andrea Dworkin." Probably the best one you could ever read. Having a past history with Dworkin, next to Gloria Steinam, she is probably the most qualified to write about her.

This is old history for me. It takes me back to my feminist Activist days (yes, i had those), my college days, and the trip to New York, where I saw Dworkin read one of her pieces, and had the good fortune to meet Ms. Steinam. And...I remember my roots, and where I am today.

I wouldn't be HERE without the three of them. They all helped shape my concept of self, my politics, and my sexuality/gender queerness.

Without Steinam, i wouldn't have had the power and support of the Feminist Movement to allow me the freedom to be who I am.

Without Dworkin, I would not have begun to understand my aversion/attraction to pornography. Nor would I have been able to study pornography in college and gain film critique language to understand what I was watching, beyond the thrill of voyeurism, and the FUCK. My film theorist Instructor of two years introduced me to Dworkin's perceptions, and counter-acted it with a bit of a healthier view.

Without Susie Bright I would not be comfortable with my gender-queerness. Sexual Politics are a hotbed, and she made loving the female man ok in the Movie "Virgin Machine" (the German title is "Jungfrauenmaschine Die."). Without her, I wouldn't have had all those old issues of "On Our Backs" to drool over, filled with steamy, wonderful lesbian Erotica/Porn and Beyond. Susie Bright is a powerful voice in our Nation, whom I finally got to meet during a presentation and book-signing in a Public Library basement in Tucson. (the same place where several years later I would have the pleasure to meet Patrick Califia).

Life revolves around constructs and definitions. Bright made a poignant and accurate statement when she wrote "...when you’re famous for one thing, no one wants to see you change unless you reject it all, like a pathetic sinner seeking redemption." (from Susie Bright's "Andrea Dworkin has died")

Sometimes, I feel that way. I have moved beyond the definition of Lesbian, yet the outside world still sees me as a Butch Lesbian on those days when my androgeny shines through. At work, they can't seem to get past that box. I'm the "lesbian." And I'm ok with that as long as the people who are close to me and love me TRULY understand who and what I am, a slave boy/Daddy in female form, not striving to change physically, but who identifies as primarily masculine.

And that would not be possible without pioneers of forward thought and movement. Pioneers who fought against odds, and took the Male Patriarchal Structure to task for unfair treatment of over half the human race, women. Women who influenced my life without ever knowing it, and who influenced countless other people like me.

Dworkin, Steinam, and Bright.

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She was running Her system without virus protection. We were cruising along ok, then she bought some game cd at a yard sale and installed it. When i finally got a virus program on there, it was basically too late. I know that there might be easier ways to fix this, however, the damn bug is affecting so much stuff. It's better to just go ahead with a clean install and start fresh. I just got my system up to good working standards...why oh why!

We went to Master Bert and slave nadine's presentation last night. It was called "The blessings of our desires." Bert showed us how even through conflict life can be full of blessings. It was very interactive, and full of audience participation, and i had alot to say, apparently. Because i've come through so much conflict into a relationship that is healthy and balanced. That is a huge blessing for me.

Master had to go see another dr. today to find out if the abcess that She had needed to be relieved. The good news is that the doctor said no, no need to cut anything (YAY!) and She has a scheduled mammogram for Monday. It will be Her first one. I'll be there with Her so that She can get through it easier. When i did mine a year or two ago, i had to go alone...poor poor boy. This is what support is all about though, getting through the unpleasent stuff together.

I had a little omelette station today at work. I got in around 7:15 a.m. and got everything set up. Then got to stand around for almost an hour until the Ladies decided it was time to eat. They took a picture of me, the guest of honor, and my food runner. I fed them omelettes, and they all thought they were outstanding. Then i went back to the line, cooked a bunch of steaks and stuff, and Master picked me up to go to the dr.

I'm really feeling good about this job. Sure i make mistakes sometimes, but i don't get laughed at (well sometimes), and we all get along pretty well. We've got a long hot summer ahead of us, which means spending lots of time together when it's not busy. It's a good thing we all get along.

I'm feeling very verbose right now. Lots of words need to come out of me. I'm writing every morning for half an hour (i take one day off a week), and getting back to writing more regularly on this journal. It's just a need right now to feed the creative beast, and find words to make into poetry. I haven't written anything new in a while, and i'm feeling a push to do so. By writing every day, something will come out, eventually. I just don't want it to be all hearts and flowers, and smchaltzy stuff. When life is good the tendancy is to write the light stuff, and i don't want to write the light stuff, i want to delve into some poetry about BDSM. I haven't gone there much in my poetry. I'm not afraid of what might come out, i just don't know where to start. I'm not even afraid of the blank page, it's getting that first line, that first phrase, that first turn out of the way, then the rest falls into place.

Sometimes it is a blessing to be an artist. Sometimes a curse, either way, i need to be in the moment of creation to be leading a complete life.

We wandered down 4th Ave. and had lunch at one of my favorite Guatamalan restaurants. Stopped in to say hi to Kanella, and had a shopping trip at Antigone's Bookstore. It was a good day.

Master had planned to go to the Dungeon that night for the topic night. It was Astrology and BDSM. I was so very tired. She allowed me to stay home and sleep while she went off to be among friends, and learn more about astrology. She came home very excited about the presentation. I managed to sleep something like 12 hours.

I'm back on a six day work schedule. And Thursday night was another Chef's table. Friday night we had a friend over for initial negotiations, and a get to know ya conversation. There was no play involved, both Master and i were too exhausted. But there are wonderful possibilities there.

Saturday Master went to the MasT meeting, while i was at work. I came home and made dinner for the guests that were coming over. We needed to have a very important conversation with these friends about a topic/presentation we want to put together. We got positive feed back, and it was just really great hanging out with them, and cooking for them.

Back to work Sunday for me. Since we had been so busy during the week, there was no time to have a necessary conversation with the housemate. We came to a decision a couple weeks ago that we need to cut our loses, and look for someone else. We needed to relay this to him. Both Master and i were dreading it. We don't like to give people bad news, especially when they are not well. None the less, we cannot continue living with this person. We told him, and his response was that he wanted out too, but he wanted to give us the full thirty days. We are ok with him leaving by the 1st of June, it gives us time to find someone, or for Master to find a well paying job. (35-40.000 range). If she was making that much, we wouldn't need a roommate. We could support ourselves, and have this great house to have parties in, and to run around in.

I suppose Tex took the news as well as possible. I am trying very hard not to go to the icky place: the "what ifs". Master said to concentrate on the other things, like Her getting a well-paying job that She likes; finding the right housemate that will fit in with our living style. We have pretty high standards. Someone who doesn't drink, who lives a positive, healthy life, someone who is lifestyle, preferably has a day job that is steady income, and who can be interactive with us. We aren't that hard to get along with. A vegatarian would be nice, but that would just be a bonus. It is a pretty big order to fill, but right now i am focusing on Trusting the Universe to provide the right person, within a reasonable time frame (before July). I'm trusting that Tex will be able to get his stuff out of here by the end of the month, or at least through the first week of June. It means we lose the sofas and the entertainment center, but that is just stuff we can purchase for ourselves.

Life provides challenges. These days it is about how i meet and resolve the challenges. It is about staying in the solution, finding the positive side of the situations. Staying out of all the garbage and negativity that can collect around people. Heck, i am not a nuclear waste site, and i refuse to become one. I came from that place where i allowed people to dump all their toxic negativity on to me. It has been a long slow climb out of that. Master helps me stay focused in the present. She guides me into seeing beyond just my own little world. She points out how our decisions can lead to chain reactions. If it is a negative decision that chain reaction can lead to explosion. If it is a positive decision, that chain reaction can lead into love, and light, and an even better life.

Whew, that is a lot for a slave boy to handle. I sit here and scratch my head and wonder how i went from being miserable, and barely able to see past my own nose, to being happy, well cared for, and able to see the inclusivity of life. I feel connected and strong, and up to utilizing my energy for the two tasks ahead of us, while maintaining my job, my slave heart, and finding that Daddy space again that hasn't been exercised in so long.

This slave boy is grateful for Master, and for being alive and well and thriving today!

Waited almost thirty years for this...Life the universe and everything. Master took me to see "Hitchhikers guide to the Galaxy". For those of you in the know, some points might be a bit upsetting...Touchstone Pictures, a division of Disney, added a romantic flair to the story. Really unnecessary, but they did it. Still, they didn't spoil the story line too much.

The rendering of the actual guide itself was expertly done. I felt like i was almost watching an indie film with the way they interjected the guide.
Jim Henson's creatures were once again, amazing. For me it's not just about the special effects, but how they handled the story. But when it comes to Henson's Creatures, i am always fascinated, and ready to watch.

It was good to get out to a movie with Master, and hang out in a theater, eating animal cookies (me) and malted chocolate balls (her), and laughing at dry British humor. A nice way to spend a hot Monday afternoon.

Work has been going well. Master received Her severance pay, and i'm not terribly worried, but my hours will become less as we head into the summer season. No one golfs when it's 110 degrees. So there's a bit of a worry that She has employment before my hours are lessened, and the money runs out. I'm dealing with it in the best way possible. Lots of turning this over to the Universe so i don't feel so stressed.

I've recommitted to my recovery program, and found someone i can work with, so that i am not burdening Master with the little details of the annoyances in my life. There's work i have to do that i feel is blocking my forward motion artistically. Maybe if i do this work, that block will loosen.

Now for really good news.

We negotiated with a friend here in town, and Master and i had our first co-topping scene on Friday night. Master knows about my fear of falling off the edge again. She kept that meanness in me in check, and when it was indicated, i was able to pull back, and listen to Her about when i needed to slow down, or stop, or do something different. The person we were playing with thoroughly enjoyed our attentions. One of the things i got to do was a bit of punching. At first i wasn't going to, but the feeling was right, and i went with it. There was this incredible sensation that flowed through being able to hit someone like that. One of my goals was to see if i could pull out a bit of the primal in the bottom...i almost succeeded, but with Master also working her over, the attention was divided too much to bring it out all the way. But i had a glimpse, and i liked it!

It was interesting energy between Master and i; me in front of the bottom, sometimes helping her breathe through the pain, sometimes hurting her while Master was inflicting pain on her backside. We would rotate, and Master and i kept that eye contact going through the whole thing. We finally brought her down from the suspension bars, and helped her sit, and did a bit of aftercare.

Master then wanted to beat on me. We haven't had successful interactions the last several months, and we finally discovered why. Master got me hooked up into the cuffs, and started in. With each blow i was feeling more defensive, and getting angrier. Finally something shook loose in me, some kind of block. Some kind of very deep block. The reaction came up, Master stopped, got me down, and we went off to a more private corner of the dungeon, and She let me process through the block.

When i have an emotional/mental/physical reaction to something i do this very deep burping thing from my gut. It went on for probably ten minutes or so. The block was right below my solar plexus. Now, i've done all the therapy work, i've dealt with very deep issues, and i've reasoned to death why i am a kinky person. I no longer have to reason it out or defend myself. I am who i am. I am not using bdsm Scenes to process old stuff...but apparently there's stuff in there that wants to come out. It might just be all the new stuff all the changes in our lives that has me blocked.

I'm glad it came out. I still want to fight Her and hurt her back when She is beating on me, but the reaction now, several days later, is less than what it was Friday night. I am only hoping we can move through this and move forward. I don't want to be in a stuck place about this. I am a masochist. I love pain. I enjoy submitting to the lash, the cane, the whatever implement Master chooses. I want to please Master in that submission, and let Her get out that sadistic energy. This block, this thing that is in the way needs to dissappate so we can get back to that dynamic.

Wrapped up in that block is also all the resistance i've been having to being a slave and in service to someone. There's huge stuff coming up about that. "Why am i here, why am i doing this? What is the need? I don't need to be doing this. I'm a strong, independent individual, i don't need someone in my life telling me what to do every day." The reality is that i really do have a slaveheart. That the resistance is a normal human reaction to a situation i've agreed on. It's not so severe that i want to ask to change our dynamic, but it has been serious enough that i've been disobedient, and disgruntled in my service to Master.

This is shaking loose and changing a bit. My life today is very good. If left to my own devices i don't make very good choices about how to spend my time, and what to do and where to go. Master helps me keep in check the destructive side that wants to come out and run rampant in my life, and that could be what i'm fighting right now, that desire just to screw everything up, and make a mess of things. Fortunately i am with someone who is willing to listen to all of this rambling, and help me sort out the priorities. That's what a good Master does with their slaves. Give them guidence when they feel the walls are crashing down.

We had been moving to deeper places of submission and Mastery, and that resistance in me just didn't want to go there. Didn't want to succomb to a deeper level. Let's just keep it on the surface, this is for fun, right? Wrong. This is my life and a path i chose for a reason. It's Master's life, and She also chose this path for a reason. And she's willing to work through all of this because this isn't just a temporary fly by night situation...this is about the long haul.

And i find myself amazed that no matter how resistant or disgruntled i am, She still shows me that love and compassion deep in Her heart.

And again i am humbled. I am in Her service, and all i can do is work on bettering myself. When i listen, and obey Her wishes, i find myself in a happier place than when i resist. It is that simple. Service helps me focus. And i had forgotten that for a couple of months. It is time to refocus that deep desire to serve that lives within. It needs to be stronger than the resistance that threatens to pull me away from what makes me happy.

And being in the service of Master makes me happy.