10.13.05
11:00 p.m.
Five more days in Hell.
Seven more days before we hit the road.
Last night and tonight...Spoken Word, surrounded by dear friends.
It has been over a year since I went out and rocked the mic. Let alone had buddies doing it with me. (not in tandum, but also going up and reading). The feedback this time; phenomenal. Better then usual. And I sold a book to the Featured Poet at Willow House...wow! Don't usually sell to the Feature.
The hard work pays off. The time off did me good, made me focus more on my presentation. Probably because it was the Last Hurrah before setting out on our adventure. I feel great. I feel exhilarated, I am flying off the vibration of the words, and the energy of the other poets; the magnitude of performance. And once again I realize what kind of charismatic presence I have when I am "On stage." I've missed this community and the presence that I can have in it.
Having Photo boy read as well was awesome. He came out both nights, even though we both have to be up really early for our jobs.
I had a bit of inspiration the other night with making the art book. So when I went to Counter Culture I did an impromptu and called it "Show and Tell Poetry." It's the brief version of the history of my words. It's going to become a "piece." A regular part of my set. It was so cool having an art book to show off at both readings. photo boy's mom came out with him on Wed night. I showed her my book. She wants one. Problem is, I don't know how much to charge for it. I'm thinking $25, but I could go lower since all the parts are made of found objects.
I'm feeling better and better about moving. Once we get the yard sale out of the way, and some of the furniture gone, I can really start organizing everything to get ready to load the truck. I will have next Friday to get a lot of that done. I have to be careful of work, to not develop what is called "short-timers" disease. I want to still care about what I do, and I still want to do a good job. So the focus at work is work. Not all the shit I have to get done when I get home. Then when I am home, the focus has to be what needs to be accomplished next. I've been chipping away that. Lack of sleep has left me exhausted, and I wasn't able to get anything done tonight before going out to Willow House.
So the next few days is yard sale, and packing. And trying to get some rest in-between. As active as my brain has been, it is really hard to sleep right now. But I need the rest to continue doing a good job at work, and at home. Sleep deprivation experiments are not necessary for me any more. I know how they turn out.
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10.11.05
10:30 p.m.
About Art:
Ok, so now that we are moving, I am inspired. I am going to go do Spoken Word tomorrow night and Thurs night at two different locations. After dragging my ass for a year on a final edit of my new chapbook, I finished it. During the final read-through, I realized that it needed a new name, and a new look. I made a graphic for it, that Master is actually excited about. I was just goofing around to see what I could make. Tonight, I was printing a copy to run to the printers so that I have books in hand to sell, and decided it was time to make a Poetry Art book. Something I've been planning to do, but hadn't attempted yet. I realized that it is about the fear of not doing it right. Hell with that, I'm just going to make something that makes me feel good. It's my process, and my art.
What inspired me is that Master was in the process of cutting down some different colored file folders for art cards. I snagged some of the leavings, and took the mistake copies of "Absolution", and glued them together. I'm going to bind it somehow tomorrow, and use that book for my reading. I forgot what it feels like to actually make something with my hands. Feeling the glue on my fingers, pasting the words down, knowing that, even though it's not the prettiest art, or the most creative, it is mine.
And now there's all sorts of ideas tumbling in my brain about what I could do next. Why is it that when life is in flux, and feels like chaos I get the most inspired and motivated to actually create art? Who knows what I'll be able to accomplish creatively during this transition period. I hope bunches. Master plans on it as well. Maybe we just both need the change in order to get motivated to execute the ideas we've been talking about.
About work:
even more days at the icky job...
I turned in my resignation yesterday. My boss took the news well. Didn't even flinch, and when we were talking today, he seems to understand that this is something I have to do. Out of all the strife I've had with him, I was surprised that he actually understands something about me.
I received my letter of recommendation from my former Chef today, so I can email the Chef at the place I want to apply at in Topeka. I have to beef up my resume, and write out a skill sheet. I'm fairly confident that at least I can get my foot in the door with him. It's a Country Club near where we will be living. I decided I really like working in the private dining experience. I would be hard pressed to go back to the regular grind of churn and burn (knocking out meals for impatient customers with screaming children).
Whatever happens, I'm feeling much better about all the changes. I'm just glad that I'll be out reading some of my poetry, and expressing myself. It has been a really long time since I've done that. And there will be friends there. Photo boy is planning to come tomorrow night. He's always wanted to read at the same time I do. I welcome the opportunity. And another friend is supposed to bring some of his stuff. And others are threatening just to be in the audience. It'll be great, and it means that I can't back out of going because other people are counting on me being there.
About moving:
Master and I did get a bunch of packing done tonight. It felt good to get it done. More of the kitchen is packed up up. More of Master's things are packed up. I still have to clear out the desk, and get that ready for the yard sale on Saturday. There's a bunch of little stuff to do. Really, most of the big stuff, except for the furniture is done. I'm kinda proud of us. When we moved last time, I wasn't nearly this organized. Part of it is because most of it is going into storage, and when we get it out of storage and come home, I want to know what is what, and where, and for how many oreo cookies.
Time to go try to get some sleep, with my wide awake, active, creative brain. I have tools for that though.
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10.09.05
10:00 p.m.
It's been a weekend of more packing, more organizing, more, more, getting ready for moving. It still doesn't feel like we've accomplished that much, but I know we have.
Most of the books are packed, the video tapes are organized and ready to move, Master went through a ton of files today and got them organized. The kitchen is ready to be packed. I can dissassemble bookshelves and the like. So why does it feel so chaotic?
The main living area/office-workspace area is a frigging mess...still. Even though we've packed, sorted and organized, there is still a mess in here. And I have a hard time believing that we'll be able to get it under control. But I am trusting the universe that it will be done, that we will have it packed neatly and ready for moving and storage by next weekend, which is the yard sale.
Faith is the operating mode right now. I'm turning in my notice tomorrow, which is going to make work more difficult, because my boss isn't going to like the fact that I'm leaving. I don't care! Don't like the job, don't like my boss, ready to not go back there ever again, but we need the money. I can't stop working just because I hate my job. 90% of the people out there hate their jobs. I just choose to work at places I like to work, in a field that I enjoy.
Faith will get us through this financial crunch, and to Kansas. Faith will help us see through the thickness of life right now. I need to see a running stream. Faith will motivate me to keep packing, sorting and organizing, so that by the time I roll that great big truck over here, we can pack it.
And I know this is what we have to do, and what we need to do. It still feels very overwhelming. I'm not moving eight blocks up the road, I am temporarily relocating, and then coming back. My stuff is going to be in different places, and I'll have to collect and gather when I come back home.
That's ok. I started a list of where everything is going. Who has custody of what, so that when it is time to retrieve it all, I know who to talk to.
Don't like my stuff scattered. It feels like when I was 20, and couldn't keep my life stable. I know this isn't about that. It's about moving through the feeling, and getting to the real reason. Family duty calls, and Master needs me at Her side. That is what it is about.
And I believe that the Universe won't let us down, everything will be ok, and I don't have to worry, about anything. And I'm not going to. Especially about the stupid job.
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