10.22.05
1:00 a.m.
It is almost done, almost over. All the packing and moving. Tomorrow we get the truck, load up, and head out to a friend's. Sunday morning, we begin traveling many hundreds of miles to the cold, flatlands called Kansas.
I am pretty happy with all the stuff we did get rid of. Between the yard sale, freecycle, and donations, plus all the throwing away of stuff, we purged and pared down. I gave up things from my childhood, stuffed animals, books, things I've dragged around for over half my life. I gave up things that I've had since early adulthood. Old vcrs, and a video camera that I took to NY that no longer works. Stuffed animals, typewriter that doesn't work. Just crap I've hung onto for sentimental and emotional value. It's gone. As some friends put it, I still have the memories, and I have photographs of much of the stuff. So it's not like I'll miss it. Most of these things lived in boxes, closets, and storage sheds. So getting rid of them is a letting go. A huge letting go of so much of my life.
I feel overwhelmed due to the purging. I've transferred that feeling onto the packing and moving. But it's really not about the packing and moving, it is about the letting go of things. Finally getting rid of junk. Junk I no longer have to haul around. Weights dragging around my neck, reminding me of past times that are gone. Hanging on to the past keeps me from moving forward. I have to live in the right here right now, not yesterday, and not tomorrow. It is a revelation. One I have tried to have through various times in my life. This time I think is going to stick. I even had to say to Master today, "What are we doing right now?" Because she started thinking of all the stuff we had to do at home, when we were out running errands. It did help, I think.
I've closed a chapter of my life. I am ready for new things, exciting things, different life experiences.
Even with all the purging, and getting rid of stuff, we still have much stuff. OH MY GOD! I can't believe how much stuff. My kitchen has almost as many boxes as the video tapes and books. How do we collect so much stuff, and then hang onto it, like if we got rid of it we would die? It boggles my mind.
Master and I knew we had to purge. It was time. This move forced the purge sooner than either of us were willing to commit to. There is a sense of relief of having all that stuff gone. No longer hanging over my head. The stuff that is left are things I can wean out later. Before we get the RV, and start traveling. It is all just stuff, just crap in our lives, cluttering and confusing and distracting us from important things like walking a spiritual path, moving forward, and letting go of that past, and living in the here and now.
I am open to creating a new life, open to change, and whatever is coming next for us. Neither of us see beyond the move, beyond taking care of Mom, and the other family issues that exist. We aren't supposed to see beyond because it will be a surprise, a thrill, and a direction neither of us expected. That is all I can sense.
I just want to get through taking a shower tonight, and sleeping. Tomorrow will be here soon enough, and I can deal with what is left of packing sorting and loading. Friends will be here to help. We don't have to do it alone, and we'll have a nice send off...
I won't be online for a week or two, so no more posts until we are wired in Topeka. Hopefully by next weekend. Of course I could always find a public venue to post to my live journal.
Be patient, I will write more later, wish us luck...and if you are feeling generous, you can hit that paypal button and donate some moving dollars to us.
Thanks for all the support...
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10.17.09
9:30 p.m.
I just finsihed the slide show of Roadie the Iguana. A long promised pictoral of my handsome, scaly creature, who a few weeks ago bit me on the foot. The pictures are before and afters. The befores are when he was just a little thing, the afters, him now, almost 4 foot, with jowels, and a growing aggressive disposition. Now that he's been in isolation for a few weeks, when I bring him out, he is more subdued, and wants to be around me. This is a good thing. He was out for a bit tonight, and went and told off the iguana in the mirror, and then came near me to hang out. It was cool.
Most people try to tell me that they would get rid of a pet who bit them. This is a rescue iguana, missing feet and toes. An iguana that took three years to hand feed. An iguana who finally bonded to me. I got in his way, and it was an accident. I forgive him. Because I know when breeding season is over, he will be back to being Roadie the roaming, curious, non-aggresive iguana.
So check out the slide show. Enjoy the pictures. Remember they are copyrighted by ME! So please, if you want to use them, write me for permission.
More stuff is leaving our house. Photo boy came over tonight and got furniture. Some of it will be in his custody while we are gone, some of it he will purchase at some point. It doesn't matter, I don't have to haul the stuff to Kansas. I trust him to take good care of our living room set. I like his apartment, and know that the couches will look good in there.
Still dragging on the packing. When I'm done with this it is off to the kitchen to begin packing that. I promised I would get it done tonight, and I haven't. It really won't take me that long. I'm fighting resistance. Once my kitchen is packed, I'm really leaving. It's a thing. I've lived with my books, and videos in boxes and crates before, that doesn't bother me. My kitchen is always available. For whenever I get that creative urge to whip something up. (pun intended).
I feel more calm tonight. It rained today, and I have a poem in my head because of it. It is a perfect rhyming poem and I haven't written it down yet. At least I have poetry in my head again. At least I have words knocking around that want to come out. Creativity begins to flow when change abounds. I like the fact that it rained. It is nice to smell the desert after a storm, and to see lightening, and know that all is right with the world at this very moment.
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10.16.05
3:15 p.m.
It is weird to watch other people rummage through MY stuff. What an experience. This is my second yard sale experience. The first one was over before I got home from work. I was saved the pain of separating from my stuff.
At this yard sale, I stayed out most of the day and talked to people, while they went through and bought our stuff for .50 cents, $1.00, or even more. At least I was able to enjoy the company of girl c and Master.
I got some ig time in too. I brought Roadie out of isolation for a little while and let him hang out on my shoulders. It was good for both of us, especially since he has been in isolation for several weeks. I've been wanting to let him out, but I can't have him roaming around and climbing into everything, and tearing up the stuff that we are packing.
It is chaos in here, it is overwhelming and disturbing. I feel very lost and frightened. It is just stuff, and it is just a little trip. How come I feel so insecure? I had a bit of a breakdown a little while ago, I'm over it, for now, but it is still there, that feeling of being frightened.
The yard sale was successful. We made bunches of money (which we needed). And we have stuff out today for people to take for free. Our neighbor took the huge entertainment center. I'm grateful that it is going to a good home.
Now if I can just get over the feeling of immobility. The inability to accomplish anything. I know, logically, that we are. It just seems like nothing is getting done. Every time we chip away at the packing, more stuff appears that needs to be packed.
AARRGGHH...
It will be over soon, and then we'll be in Kansas, and then I can settle for a little while, and then Master and I will figure out our next move after dealing with the F.O.O. issues.
And we will be together, in the place She grew up, and knows really well. People think we are crazy for going to Kansas this time of year. Yes, we are. But this is the time that Her family needs us, so we answer the call. And then there's that whole Universe thing, where the Universe said, "This is what you need to do."
Ok...time to get back to the packing, and the friend's birthday party, and other stuff. I'll write about the boy sleep over later.
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10.13.05
11:00 p.m.
Five more days in Hell.
Seven more days before we hit the road.
Last night and tonight...Spoken Word, surrounded by dear friends.
It has been over a year since I went out and rocked the mic. Let alone had buddies doing it with me. (not in tandum, but also going up and reading). The feedback this time; phenomenal. Better then usual. And I sold a book to the Featured Poet at Willow House...wow! Don't usually sell to the Feature.
The hard work pays off. The time off did me good, made me focus more on my presentation. Probably because it was the Last Hurrah before setting out on our adventure. I feel great. I feel exhilarated, I am flying off the vibration of the words, and the energy of the other poets; the magnitude of performance. And once again I realize what kind of charismatic presence I have when I am "On stage." I've missed this community and the presence that I can have in it.
Having Photo boy read as well was awesome. He came out both nights, even though we both have to be up really early for our jobs.
I had a bit of inspiration the other night with making the art book. So when I went to Counter Culture I did an impromptu and called it "Show and Tell Poetry." It's the brief version of the history of my words. It's going to become a "piece." A regular part of my set. It was so cool having an art book to show off at both readings. photo boy's mom came out with him on Wed night. I showed her my book. She wants one. Problem is, I don't know how much to charge for it. I'm thinking $25, but I could go lower since all the parts are made of found objects.
I'm feeling better and better about moving. Once we get the yard sale out of the way, and some of the furniture gone, I can really start organizing everything to get ready to load the truck. I will have next Friday to get a lot of that done. I have to be careful of work, to not develop what is called "short-timers" disease. I want to still care about what I do, and I still want to do a good job. So the focus at work is work. Not all the shit I have to get done when I get home. Then when I am home, the focus has to be what needs to be accomplished next. I've been chipping away that. Lack of sleep has left me exhausted, and I wasn't able to get anything done tonight before going out to Willow House.
So the next few days is yard sale, and packing. And trying to get some rest in-between. As active as my brain has been, it is really hard to sleep right now. But I need the rest to continue doing a good job at work, and at home. Sleep deprivation experiments are not necessary for me any more. I know how they turn out.
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10.11.05
10:30 p.m.
About Art:
Ok, so now that we are moving, I am inspired. I am going to go do Spoken Word tomorrow night and Thurs night at two different locations. After dragging my ass for a year on a final edit of my new chapbook, I finished it. During the final read-through, I realized that it needed a new name, and a new look. I made a graphic for it, that Master is actually excited about. I was just goofing around to see what I could make. Tonight, I was printing a copy to run to the printers so that I have books in hand to sell, and decided it was time to make a Poetry Art book. Something I've been planning to do, but hadn't attempted yet. I realized that it is about the fear of not doing it right. Hell with that, I'm just going to make something that makes me feel good. It's my process, and my art.
What inspired me is that Master was in the process of cutting down some different colored file folders for art cards. I snagged some of the leavings, and took the mistake copies of "Absolution", and glued them together. I'm going to bind it somehow tomorrow, and use that book for my reading. I forgot what it feels like to actually make something with my hands. Feeling the glue on my fingers, pasting the words down, knowing that, even though it's not the prettiest art, or the most creative, it is mine.
And now there's all sorts of ideas tumbling in my brain about what I could do next. Why is it that when life is in flux, and feels like chaos I get the most inspired and motivated to actually create art? Who knows what I'll be able to accomplish creatively during this transition period. I hope bunches. Master plans on it as well. Maybe we just both need the change in order to get motivated to execute the ideas we've been talking about.
About work:
even more days at the icky job...
I turned in my resignation yesterday. My boss took the news well. Didn't even flinch, and when we were talking today, he seems to understand that this is something I have to do. Out of all the strife I've had with him, I was surprised that he actually understands something about me.
I received my letter of recommendation from my former Chef today, so I can email the Chef at the place I want to apply at in Topeka. I have to beef up my resume, and write out a skill sheet. I'm fairly confident that at least I can get my foot in the door with him. It's a Country Club near where we will be living. I decided I really like working in the private dining experience. I would be hard pressed to go back to the regular grind of churn and burn (knocking out meals for impatient customers with screaming children).
Whatever happens, I'm feeling much better about all the changes. I'm just glad that I'll be out reading some of my poetry, and expressing myself. It has been a really long time since I've done that. And there will be friends there. Photo boy is planning to come tomorrow night. He's always wanted to read at the same time I do. I welcome the opportunity. And another friend is supposed to bring some of his stuff. And others are threatening just to be in the audience. It'll be great, and it means that I can't back out of going because other people are counting on me being there.
About moving:
Master and I did get a bunch of packing done tonight. It felt good to get it done. More of the kitchen is packed up up. More of Master's things are packed up. I still have to clear out the desk, and get that ready for the yard sale on Saturday. There's a bunch of little stuff to do. Really, most of the big stuff, except for the furniture is done. I'm kinda proud of us. When we moved last time, I wasn't nearly this organized. Part of it is because most of it is going into storage, and when we get it out of storage and come home, I want to know what is what, and where, and for how many oreo cookies.
Time to go try to get some sleep, with my wide awake, active, creative brain. I have tools for that though.
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10.09.05
10:00 p.m.
It's been a weekend of more packing, more organizing, more, more, getting ready for moving. It still doesn't feel like we've accomplished that much, but I know we have.
Most of the books are packed, the video tapes are organized and ready to move, Master went through a ton of files today and got them organized. The kitchen is ready to be packed. I can dissassemble bookshelves and the like. So why does it feel so chaotic?
The main living area/office-workspace area is a frigging mess...still. Even though we've packed, sorted and organized, there is still a mess in here. And I have a hard time believing that we'll be able to get it under control. But I am trusting the universe that it will be done, that we will have it packed neatly and ready for moving and storage by next weekend, which is the yard sale.
Faith is the operating mode right now. I'm turning in my notice tomorrow, which is going to make work more difficult, because my boss isn't going to like the fact that I'm leaving. I don't care! Don't like the job, don't like my boss, ready to not go back there ever again, but we need the money. I can't stop working just because I hate my job. 90% of the people out there hate their jobs. I just choose to work at places I like to work, in a field that I enjoy.
Faith will get us through this financial crunch, and to Kansas. Faith will help us see through the thickness of life right now. I need to see a running stream. Faith will motivate me to keep packing, sorting and organizing, so that by the time I roll that great big truck over here, we can pack it.
And I know this is what we have to do, and what we need to do. It still feels very overwhelming. I'm not moving eight blocks up the road, I am temporarily relocating, and then coming back. My stuff is going to be in different places, and I'll have to collect and gather when I come back home.
That's ok. I started a list of where everything is going. Who has custody of what, so that when it is time to retrieve it all, I know who to talk to.
Don't like my stuff scattered. It feels like when I was 20, and couldn't keep my life stable. I know this isn't about that. It's about moving through the feeling, and getting to the real reason. Family duty calls, and Master needs me at Her side. That is what it is about.
And I believe that the Universe won't let us down, everything will be ok, and I don't have to worry, about anything. And I'm not going to. Especially about the stupid job.
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10.03.05
10:00 p.m.
Henry Rollins:
I haven't had time to write about the performance, or going with c-girl to see the show, and the connection we have without having known each other that long.
Rollins, of course, rocked. We did manage to sit in the "very drunk" section. They weren't terribly obnoxious, except for the getting up to go get more beer, go to the bathroom, etc.
I know people don't go and sit still at Spoken Word performances, but, my god! The man is in the middle of a story, you can't hold it til he's finished?
We had a good time. We talked before the show. We talked afterward, and c-girl thanked me for turning her onto such an incredible artist. My pleasure for helping someone open their eyes a bit more about their world.
I was in awe over the way he moves, uses his entire body as an instrument; from facial expressions, to his posturings and poses while talking about certain actions. And, the man knows how to use the word "Fuck". I am so envious.
And by going to the show, I remember why I liked him so much! I haven't been to such a heterocentric crowd in awhile. I go see people like Indigo Girls, Ani Difranco, Melissa Etheridge. I go to Leather Lifestyle events where there are many gay men. I'm not usually over-exposed to a cross-section of current Heterosexual America. It wasn't so bad. I was also impressed by the age range. People from Seventeen up to Seventy. That's called drawing a crowd.
I am so glad I could make the show. It has enriched my artistic life. With so much going on, I almost forgot to write about it. I don't want to forget about seeing the Unforgettable Rollins.
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10.03.05
8:00 p.m.
The Amazons Party went off fabulosly. I ended up having to go back to work for a couple of hours, which put a real dent in my evening. My task was to go pick up the cake, and make a stop at Kinkos. Both these places involved driving in mid-town Phoenix during rush hour. A trip that normally would have taken half an hour to complete took almost an hour and a half. Then I had to return to the Space where the party was being held, deliver the goods, and then get over to work.
It was a brainless, easy shift. I did my job, and got back to APEX, where lots and lots of women, boi's girls, tops, dominates, mistresses, masters, daddies, switches, slaves and submissives were eating, drinking, and having a great time.
As soon as I got there, I was going on as the MC. Master gave me the run down, and I grabbed everyone's attention. (once the MC lackey figured out the microphone volume). I did my thing, and then the party rocked on. There was a drag king performance, a belly dancer, door prizes, and just lots of cool things going on. By the end of it Master and I were really tired, but happy that we could help put on such a successful party.
We did attempt to Play. I had another very bad reaction. I'm beginning to think its the space. This is the second time we've tried to play there and I've had bad stuff come up. Master had to pull me down and hold on to me while my body went through the process of "processing." Not a very happy boy at all. Nor a happy Master.
We were finally able to get home and go to bed. When we woke up on Saturday, Master was sick. Coughing, sore throat, etc. She's been in bed ever since. She gets up once in awhile and wanders around, but then goes back to the bedroom. I wish I could make Her better, but there isn't much to do but ride this out.
Yesterday I attacked a closet that had loads of just hodge-podge stuff in it. Master went through boxes, and I went through boxes. More purging happened. I'm letting so much go right now. (Mid life crisis?). The result is that there is stuff scattered everywhere because I don't know where to start putting it or packing it. I need Master's guidance, and She needs all Her strength right now to fight off this icky, sick thing.
I also started looking at the puter a friend of ours gave to us. It's been sitting in the house for a couple weeks now, but I haven't had a chance to look at it. So I turned it on, and poked around. Today I got more memory installed, put in Master's zip drive, deleted some stuff, and am doing a defrag. (Windows 98 defrag...takes forever!). But the puter works better then the other one did. When I got Cox's High Speed Security installed, it didn't bug out like it did on the old one. Must thank frank for a better system.
And that is a current distraction from dealing with how I feel about moving. I am scared, and excited at the same time. I don't want to let all my friends in Arizona go, but this is a necessary kick in our ass to change some things in our lives. I am looking at it that way, as a Universal opportunity to shed, "clean house", and find new inspiration by traveling. New spaces and places always kick the words out of me. Maybe I'll see something in the Great Plains that I missed on my other two, short, brief visits.
"Just passing through, thanks a bunch for the corn and the cows."
It might be what Master and I need for our lives to really change in the direction they need to go. I firmly believe that. I don't feel like we are going to get stuck, or sucked in, or trapped in anyway. I have a feeling this is going to be the start of our journeys around the country. Wouldn't it be nice to see other places, stop and look around, get a sense and feel for the rest of the country. I've been to LA, San Fransisco, New York, and driven to Kansas. Oh, I've been to Rocky Point, Mexico. That is the extent of my travels. I really would like to see more of the world then I've seen. I'd like to see Europe sometime, maybe the Greek Islands, and get further into Mexico, down to the Mayan and Aztec Ruins.
RIght now, for today, I follow Master to Kansas, what happens next is up to the One who guides and directs us. I hold no expectations, I have no trepidation. Only excitement, and a healthy bit of Fear.
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