09.03.05
5:00 p.m.
Stress Relief
I'm getting a bit frustrated with myself. I want to write more in depth stuff, the stuff I was writing when I first started this online journal. Life got to be a bit stressful, and I stopped writing about the emotional outcomes in my life, and have moved into a more semi-weekly, "here's what I'm doing" check in.
That's not what I want to be addressing. I want to be talking about how I am doing emotionally, how the interactions with Master are going. How slavery is applied in my every day life. I can't seem to break out of this apathy about putting out the real, the raw material of my life.
I don't want to have to force myself either. Forcing is bad. Forcing means I "have" to do it. I started this journal under Master's orders. She didn't think I would do one online. She requires Her slaves to maintain journals. Since I have boxes full of them, I obviously don't mind writing a journal. However, I don't usually share my raw journals with other people. The few times I've done it, shared those raw, un-edited thoughts with a partner/s.o./dominant, I've regretted it. It came back to haunt me in negative ways.
Master has not used anything that I write against me. I'm not writing from the gut because I'm too tired, too cross, and there are people I know and love reading this journal, and that causes me to self-edit more. And I shouldn't let that bother me. The point is to just write. Get out the emotions, the feelings, the thoughts that have been running rampant inside my head, and get them out into some form. I have been picking up my notebook, and scribbling in there. Again, it isn't the pages and pages that I usually ink up, but at least I am writing something somewhere in some form about the emotions I am experiencing.
That's the journal that doesn't get shared. I need that private venue to express my deepest fears, and my most glorious hurrahs, a place for my egomanicial self to explode. Then I can tone it down and place it here for mass consumption.
Before you see a novel, or a movie, a writer has scribbled notes placing them on cork boards. The outlines of characters, , plots and plans. They have places where the chaos was created to become the order that you read, and that you watch on the big screen.
Some days, my brain feels like that, total chaos. And today is one of them.
The change at work has affected me deeply. I'm not dissatisfied with losing the position of "Chef", but I am outraged that, based on what he saw, the Manager I work with considers me without cooking skills. AARRGGHH! Any one of you out there who know me, who have been privilaged to eat one of my meals, taste my tortillas, or had my salsa, know that I am not without cooking skills. The job this man is asking a person to do leaves little room for quality, and he is asking for gourmet sauces made out of margarine. ACK! Something like three times this week he indicated that I needed to beef up my cooking skills. It took every ounce of training, every bit of honoring what Master has ordered me to do, to not blow up in his face. There was only one other time in my life when I was told that I didn't have cooking skills, and that was because I chose to go home instead of wash dishes.
But I can't make this guy understand how and what I cook. Based on what is necessary to perform the job he wants performed, there is little room for quality, and for "skills" to be exercised.
So to the Universe I say, thank you for getting me out of that situation. Maybe what I am doing isn't high quality, isn't "real" cooking, but at least I'm still working a grill, making breakfast burritos, and learning to "manage."
We'll see what develops. If I stay unsatisfied, Master and I will have to have a long discussion about what is next for me.
I am grateful that the guy didn't take away the $$ I am making. We cannot afford a pay cut. So I am making good money to be a grill jockey. And that is nothing to whine about.
And that's what I've been holding in for a week now, and it feels good to get it out of me, and put it out there. Relief of stress is always a good thing. That is what is important for me to remember about writing like this. It relieves the stress, takes the pressure off, and helps me sort out the jumble in my brain.
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