02.26.06
11:45 a.m.
I haven't been writing much because work has been taking my time and energy; and the care and feeding of the Master. Top that off with very cold weather the last week or two and my motivation has been next to zip for writing and sharing about my life.
Some of it has to do with the fact that where we are living and how we are living is affecting my mentality about servitude and being Master's slave. It is hard to defer, ask, kneel, or follow through on any of the other small protocols we have while we are living with Master's mother. Our living quarters are tight and there is not much room to kneel by the bed and wait for Her. There's that little fact of the cat box in the bedroom, and the floors aren't all that clean to be kneeling on. I haven't received a new affirmation since before we moved here, and Master's motivation for guidence and control has been limited as well, what with the healing from a broken ankle, and then she got sick again this last week. Still, I know my place, and know what the little things are that I could be doing to maintain an attitude and atmosphere of service. I'm just not doing it.
This isn't refusal, struggle, resistance, or any of those other things that have been in my way before. This is simply how we are living right now. The sooner we get out of here and get back home, and get our own place, the easier it will be for me to fall back into that mentality. We talked about how to maintain the M/s dynamic while we were here, just neither of us anticipated Master getting hurt. Is it truly up to the slave to maintain constant viligence about their state of being? Isn't the Master responsible, as well, in helping that slave maintain an attitude of service? And if that Master becomes unable to nurture the slave mentality, what is the slave's responsibility in maintaining their servitude?
Not having clearly defined rituals to practice to help maintain an attitude of servitude, I am feeling lost and confused about what I should be doing, and how I should be doing it. If any one has any suggestions, I am open to reading about them.
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02.04.06
2:45 p.m.
Here it is, the end of the first week in Febuary, and I haven't posted anything new...
That's because I've got a job now! In a Kitchen, at a Country Club, working for a young, fresh Chef, who has ideas of grandeur. It's cool. I'm not spending every waking moment having to take care of other people. It's just not something I was cut out for. When we first got here, the original plan was to take turns with Mamasita and Master's sister. When she broke her ankle, that just plain sucked!
So I've gone from as little as 34 hours to over 40 hours in less then two weeks. I'm working six days next week, YAY! It also means I will be very, very busy, with little time for luxuries, but I am doing what I love to do.
Master is healing, slowly, very slowly. She's attempting to walk without the crutches, or the boot, and every time she does her ankle just balloons up. The dr. said this would happen, and just be patient, and take it slowly. She's doing that.
Mamasita's healing isn't going as well. She's got another month before she can go back to work.
And then there's my lovely FOO! I received an email from my cousin who reported that my dad's in the hospital with complications from diabetes. He developed gout, and then his foot got infected, and the home care nurse made him go to the hospital. Made him! I know my dad, that's what you have to do. This is a man who was walking around with a burst appendix, saying, "I've got a tummy ache." Yeah that one almost killed him too.
They had to shunt the wound and pump antibiotics directly into it. They did a procedure to attempt to save the foot. It may or may not have worked. He still might lose the foot, but that's better then losing the leg, or his life. That was a close call. They kept him from going septic, so he isn't in any danger of dying...right now.
Master was trying to figure out a way to get me out there so I could start packing up the house and getting it ready to sell. There's some stuff of my mom's and about the family that I do want to keep. My cousin's threat was to just give it all away. And that can't happen, no no no.
We have a place for me to stay that is relatively close to my parent's house. There are quite a few people willing to help me do this job. There just isn't any $$ for me to fly home. The new job is cool with me going if I have to, but when I told Chef that dad wasn't dying, he seemed very relieved. I am too, actually. Master thinks it will be very hard on me emotionally and mentally when my pop dies. It might, I don't know. I'm surprised he's lasted this long without my mom. The situation is stable and for now I stay put. It's the ol' waiting game.
Life continues. We adjust, and hopefully get to go back home sometime in the near future...yes, I miss Arizona. Right now, it is about staying focused, staying in the moment, staying in the present. Where I am, here in Kansas, with the people that are around me right now...Master, her mom, her family, recovery people, and work people. If I drift too far into the future of going home, I lose out on potential growth opportunities here. So focus is the key.
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