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06.26.06
2:30 p.m.

Ritual 2:

Day three after camping was the day Master was going to cut her hair. She wanted to do it within a 12 hour time frame of Summer Solstice. That time was Wed, June 21, 7:30 a.m. Hair cutting was to commence at or near 7:30 p.m. the night before. She fasted for 24 hours, starting Monday night, through Tues evening, after the hair cutting.

I spent Tues doing miscellaenous things. I really don't remember much of it. The focus was on Master, and being strong with Her in Her resolve to lose the hair.

The entire process started a week prior to the cutting. She said to me that She wanted to release the burdens that the hair stood for. She has been purging and cleansing Her files and all the accummulated items from Her college years to now. There was intense release involved. Why the college years? That is when She started growing the beautiful long hair.

It is a good thing I don't have a hair fetish, or was too attached to this particular aspect of hersELF, because if I was, I wouldn't be able to stand with Her in this Ritual. As it is I am attached to Her as Person, a Spiritual being, and one who walks with Truth and Light. The body aspects, the physical form is not as important as what it holds.

We did go to a park, and hang out by the water, watching noisy people fish. I cut out a few little things to send with the handmade paper samples I sent off to friends. We talked, and She sat in contemplation of what it would be like without hair.

We went to the Salon (Fantastic Sams), and there was this pretty nifty girl there who was going to do Her hair. When she found out what Master was going to do, she became scared, and worried that Master would have trauma when the hair was gone. We convinced her that this was something we wanted, and there wouldn't be trauma, she started relaxing. She informed us that she was an instructor at a local school. I promised we would send her the photos once we got them back from developing. She agreed.

I was getting my hair cut at the same time because they were getting ready to close. The hopeful circumstance was that I take pictures of Master's hair cut and then get mine done. My hairdresser stopped along the way and snapped pictures. It was a pretty intense, everyone is involved sort of event. As the hair came off, and she shaved Master's head she began to relax and get into the spirit of the thing. I watched the transformation, the excitement, and courage come forth, after such apprehension of commiting this act of "sin". (most hairdressers never want to cut a long-hair person's hair off).

Master did want to shave Her head bald, but this particular company doesn't allow their hairdressers to use razors. So it was just fuzzy short, as low as we could get with the clippers. I suggested that She could go to a barber the next day, but Master felt that such an action would diminish the Hairdresser's experience, and Her level of involvement in this Ritual.

It has taken me time to get used to Master's almost bald head. Every once in awhile I look at her and think "Where's the Master? Who is that stranger." It is getting better, and I am getting more used to the very short hair, and She is too.

Being this intimately involved in another person's sacred rites has been a growth experience for me, and provided much more insight into how and why people change themselves. I am learning, and growing, and feeling more of my Power, as Master grows and changes too. I am amazed that I am adjusting so well to Her changes, and thrilled that I am included, as Her slave, She could have set me aside while She did all of this. Part of my service to Her is Spiritual Abilities. And so I am a part of this new growth period.

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06.24.06
10:30 a.m.

Ritual 1

I know this is a little late, but I needed to spend the week processing everything that happened.

Camping was good, except for all the bugs here in Mighty Kansas. Master had warned me. I'm thinking, ok, bugs, I can handle that. The reality hit on day two after coming off the lake and just sitting, they kept crawling on me and attacking me. Miraculously, I came away with no bites. Arizona doesn't have that many bugs! It was upsetting.

Ok, now onto the real stuff.

Master and I set up camp. I found enough wood to get a little fire going. We assaulted a fire pit on the other side of the road at another site to get enough rocks to make a bigger ring. I started the little fire, went down to the lake to throw my pole in the water, and then came back to reassemble. Enlarging fire pits while hot is very entertaining.

I made sure I had a cooking rock. I wanted cowboy coffee. And we had veggie burgers to cook. I didn't have a grill screen to put on the fire, so I used a cookie sheet. (It worked!) So we made a bit of dinner and talked about the Ritual I was doing.

I gathered old letters, papers, and bits of things that I had held onto since the age of, oh, ten! I am releasing my past, I am letting go of all those childish, childhood and teenage angst years. I have the poetry, that should be enough. I asked what it was Master wanted to do in preparation of cutting Her hair. Nothing she said. The burning was about me and what I needed to let go of.

I made a circle, had my Machete and my spear. And called on the Elements to protect us. And I set to burning that 8-10 year span of my life. It isn't eassy burning loads of paper in a fire in the woods. One has to be careful not to let the sparks go flying, and then the paper doesn't burn as fast as you would think, and all sorts of issues. It took what felt like a long time to burn all the papers I had. I even burned my first Master's letters. That was a huge letting go. And then it was done. Master had some items as well that were symbolic of bigger things that She burned. Afterward, I felt drained, and much lighter.

This last week has been about Master, and having Her head shaved,(you can read about Her journey here) I haven't spent much time reflecting on the Ritual for myself, what I've let go of, and how that has freed me to be of better service to Master and the Universe. Right now as I am writing, I'm feeling the bigness of the thing that I did and how it will open up my life even more.

So, we gathered up things that should be close to the car and contained. We didn't have a tent so we were sleeping in Leo the Vibe. We got bedded down, and got at least a bit of rest. (the day before I was up at 5 a.m., had a hell of a day at work, and came home and packed and got ready, and then drove around 50 miles...big day!) I actually was up pretty early. Master woke me up just as the sun was peeking over the trees. I managed to stoke up the fire and put on some coffee, and then I went down to the lake to fish. I really wanted to stay out of Her way on day two, so that she could do whatever She felt necessary to prepare. She came to visit me, and I went back up to get coffee and stuff. Then I got tired of standing, so I went up to the camp site and hung out for a bit. Then off to explore the other shores of the lake, and leave Master in Artistic Inspiration, and the Wonder of Nature.

I actually managed to catch one little 10 inch white bass. I chained him up so he wouldn't keep eating my bait, and when it was time to go I let him loose. While sitting there fishing, I heard a noise. Ok, I'm in Kansas. I didn't think about snakes. Huh...I heard a noise, and then looked over. About three feet from me was a copperhead. He wasn't a very big snake, but he had a rattle and fangs. I held very still, and waited for him to slither on his way. He did so and made trail into the trees. It was really cool. I like snakes.

Then I went back to be with Master for a little while. There were two guys that had come along, and were fishing. Their trucks were parked where we could see them, but that was ok. I had a little lunch, Master showed me Her collages, and told me that the bugs left Her alone while creating art. (They sure weren't leaving me alone.)

I did manage to tangle the fishing line a couple of times, and I think I messed up the reel. It's been a long time since I've been fishing. Master helped me untangle one huge snafu. But it did get a little frustrating. Master went to nap in the car after I got a bit more fishing in by the camp site. She got up and we talked about when we were going to leave, and how it was going so far.

One more time near dusk with the fishing, and I wasn't even getting bites (that's when the really big snafu happened). I still stayed out there for an hour. Determined boy, stubborn boy!

Then we decided it was time to leave, got all packed up and took a trip to Lawerence. Had a yummy dinner, and drove home.

We got unpacked, watched some t.v. and then went to sleep. I was off Tuesday, and that's the day Master chose to take Her hair off. We had time to recover from the woods and prepare for the next stage.

Ritual 2 coming soon!

If you made it this far, check out my new photo gallery site I'll be adding more as I determine what I want to share with the world!

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06.14.06
12:00 a.m.

Transformation

I want to write using big words, eloquent expressions, and proper form. Then, another part of me wants to revert to "boyspeak". Short sentances and common, every day language. At this point, whatever way this entry comes out is the way it comes out. Hopefully it will make some sort of sense.

Some months ago, Master picked up my copy of "The Artist's Way", and began in earnest a path She has wanted to take for many years. I cheered Her on. I was excited for Her. If She focused on Her art, it would give me that permission to work on mine. But then, it really was about Her, and the Transformation.

I noticed Her vibrations changing. Her energy shifting, sometimes with subtlety, other times with explosive moments. At this point, I had to make a decision on how I was going respond/react/behave during this process.

I have become what I call the "intimate" observer. I have no expectations attached to the outcome of this Transformation. It is a wholistic change, one that encompasses Body/Mind/Spirit, and one that is freeing Her up to become more than She already is.

I call myself the intimate observer because I am intimate with Master. We live in an M/s relationship, we are partners, co-creators, and have become very dear friends. I call myself an observer because even though I am privilaged to watch this process, I am not a part of the process. It does not affect me as deeply or profoundly as it is affecting Her. I am not the one who is changing, She is.

I have removed the emotional attachment from this process. I have separated myself from wanting to guide it or direct it so that She becomes something specific. Other people would use this position to become selfishly involved and mold Her into their image. Not me. I want to see what the Universe has in store for Her. The emotional responses I am having are usually excitement, and I see myself as an artistic cheerleader..."Go Master, Go! Make that Change!" Just today, I had a momentary emotional reaction to Her revelation about the upcoming Ritual She is planning. I'm not allowed to say yet what She is going to do, but lets just say a look of shock came over my face..."big" eyes, and then the Universe channeled me to get messages across to Her. ("They" have been very noisy of late.)

I am evolving with Her, I have done more creative projects in the last two weeks, then in the last six months, but that is just a by-product. I have gone through the artistic struggle. I know I'm an artist, and slowly have been owning more and more of that. She is finally admitting to Herself and other human beings that She is an artist, and can own Her power in that respect, and many others. And I get to watch...ooohhh! I feel like a voyeur who gets to watch a really hot one-on-one scene between other people, without having to do anything else. Not even masturbate, because the scene is that good.

I still don't feel that these words can express or intimate exactly what is going on at this moment. I am bursting, full of words, but unable to use my voice to communicate them to you. If I could put feelings into this journal, this place called a web-site, I would. All I can do is attempt to relay that really big stuff is going on in our lives, and when this Transformation is complete, there will be a new shape of things in our lives. Whatever that shape is.

In my past, I have seen final outcomes of other people's transformations. I have been around during the "Ah-ha" moments, and the life-changing events. But being a typically selfish, and emotionally removed person from these kinds of events in other people's lives, I missed the significance of the Point of Transforming. Now that it is happening in front of my very eyes, with the person I adore and love, I see what I missed out on. This is powerful. This is beautiful. This is a gift from the Universe. A chance to not be selfish, to pay attention, and not be attached to the outcome. I can be in each moment as it happens, and revel in its glory.

When we turn the corner, I'll let you know!

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06.11.06
11:00 p.m.

Today was a very frustrating and tiring day. I got to work, and there was no boss to unlock the doors. The one fellow who could was off today. I put in four phone calls that went straight to voicemail. I finally got a return call at 7 a.m. I had two other employees standing with me. We are supposed to be open at 7 a.m. for sunday breakfast. The doors got open and my first plates didn't go out until almost 8 a.m.

Along about 10-10:15 a.m. the power went out, which meant I had to refire all of the gas in the kitchen. This was right when I was putting cookies in the oven, and getting a four person order. Then I lost the fire stick to refire all of the kitchen so I could cook the food. The asst manager brought in her firestick (the long ones that will reach pilots on gas grills and not burn your fingers!). So I got the food out, and burned four trays of cookies. I then found my fire stick under towels on my cutting board. I had looked there like five other times.

I was going to write down the asst's cell # to put in my wallet and discovered my wallet missing. I know I had it when I walked in the door, because I had to use it to make one call at 6:45 a.m. (yay for cell phones!). We looked all over the kitchen, in trash containers, under equipment, in the freezer, walk-in, dry storage, bathrooms, all over the counters, in the drains on the floor, in the line reach ins, heck, I even looked in ovens. I had a momentary panic that maybe some how I dropped it in the soup I was making. Nope. No where. This added to my already high frustration levels.

We have a really big event tomorrow that I needed to prep for. The other line guy got there about 10:30 a.m. I handed him a prep list, and he didn't start on it until after 12 p.m. I actually said, hey we needed this stuff before I left the line to go prep for the big party.

I also burned four and a half trays of cookies because I forgot to push the button on the timer. Not a good day.

The sous chef said she would be in by 11 a.m. She didn't get there until after 12 p.m., stayed for about an hour, did a little bit of work and answered some questions, and left.

I was there until 4:30 making sure the main stuff was done. 10.5 hours of sheer wanting to scream at the walls. Fortunately the line didn't get super busy, so I didn't have to go over and help out the other guy.

I clocked out and called Master. I left a voice mail saying that when I got home I didn't want to talk to anybody or see anybody. I just wanted to curl up and hide from the world. Yeah, driving was fun on the way home. Mucho traffic from the races over the weekend. When She got home from her sisters, She didn't say much, and went off to the bedroom. We talked briefly, and she is having some big issues too. So neither of us wanted any interaction, and I had gone and left a stupid message saying that interaction was bad. I didn't mean to include her in that crowd. I meant that I wouldn't be up for shopping, laundromats, or hanging out with Mamasita. I WANTED to talk to Master. I needed direction on what to do about the credit cards in my wallet, and the bank cards. Should we cancel them, should we wait to see if it turns up? What needs to happen next.

I watched "Sunset Blvd." on TCM. The Billy Wilder movie about a young man and an older "crazy" has been actress. Great stuff. I know I've sat through it before, and we certainly covered a scene or two in film school, still, it was a great distraction from the morbidity that was building inside.

And now, now I still don't feel that much better, like I'm on the verge of a nervous breakdown. I want to go HOME. Home being Arizona. I don't want a job where I have to put up with stupid people. But if a dear friend of mine can put up with stupid people for three years, what the heck am I complaining about? At least one of her stupid people are gone now, she's been relieved of the negativity of an Office Manager.

And so, Master is feeling frustrated and on the verge of a break as well. It seems that we are feeding off each other. After I finished watching the movie, she came out and we started talking. Then Her mom wanted to watch the tony awards, so we went back to the bedroom, curled up with the cats and had intermittent conversation. "4400" was starting tonight, so we had a little less then an hour for the interaction.

And I am back to my jaded, cynical self. People will dissappoint you. You can't change them, or make them see the world differently if they are not open to new ideas. And how can people run around so blindly? I have stupid people syndrome. I don't have that innate faith in the human condition that Master does. I've written about that elsewhere. I wish I did. I wish I could take the part of AA where they talk about "accepting people, places and things just the way they are." Crap on that. If you are supposed to open the doors for people, open them. If you are supposed to be at work helping out, get to work and help out. If you are an ineffectual Office Manager/Boss/Person in charge, whatever your title (Chef), for goodness' sake get out of the way, and let someone else do the job.

I've been dissappointed to often, let down too many times, hurt, stepped on, stabbed in the back, and had my psychic throat slit open a few times. I have a handful of dear, loving, trusted friends; friends who have managed to show me that they can be reliable, helpful, kind, considerate, and darnnit, just polite! And it takes so much for me to trust people. One of the things about my last Chef, He, like Master, did not change his spots.

Did I mention I don't like liars either...and part of what goes on is that people aren't honest about certain things. Most of the time I just don't care, and can avoid those people, but if you are misleading during the course of conversation at work, and it's about the job we're doing, the food we are producing, then I do care. And when it happens repeatedly, you lose my trust in anything you have to say. I shouldn't have to keep running to someone else to check information, but I'm having to do that on a consatnt basis, even with the problem Chef gone.

And how do I get to that point where I don't care. I just do my job, and work around the misinformation? I wish they made a pill for this particular ailment.

And earlier this week I wanted to post about the artwork I'm doing. I finished the first batch of handmade paper and I am so excited. I hand-crafted, and handbound three copies of my current "new" book "Absolution" and am looking forward to sharing the results. I want to make more paper! There was something there, some kind of comforting feeling as I was processing and pulling the pulp from the vat, forming the sheets, and drying them. Gratifying to be creating. Don't like that mentality of just sheer production, and not creating quality.

I want to spend time on my art, and on my personal chef business. I want to get that going. And if I don't have the energy to cook and create at home, then I'm not working on that procss. And pretty much, I haven't had the time at home to work on the personal chef business. Some of that has to do with throwing my energy into this paper-making. Some of it has to do with being too tired to even want to look at a skillet when I get off work.

And I'm homesick. We missed the saguaros blooming this season. I miss waking up and looking at mountains. I miss the smell of dry summer heat and orange blossoms.

Although I do find lightening bugs fascinating!

I know this is a long and rambling rant, but it is bourne out of frustration and dissappointment in the human condition. Hopefully when I wake up tomorrow I'll feel better.

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06.06.06
6:00 p.m.

Today is the opening of the remake the Omen. Significant date, and Hollywood planned it that way, I'm sure. Further fueling the fundementalist right wing's agenda that all things Hollywood, Entertainment, and good for you are somehow evil.

Now that I've got that out...

Our Micro-holiday:

It was my birthday Thursday, but I didn't make much of it because I knew we were traveling to KC over the weekend for some fun in the sun, Ru Paul, and actually playing "tourists." Check out Master's journal on the chronology, I'm going to write about the significance of the trip. I am on a hunt to acquire poloroids of me and people I admire who might become accessible. In my collection is John Waters, Patrick Califia, and Ursula K. Le Guinn. It's a start. The goal was try to gain access to Ms. Paul to acquire one of these elusive poloroids.

We made it to KC in good spirits, and in time to chat with our fair hosts. Had a nice light lunch, and they went off to Ballroom Dancing lessons, leaving us to do whatever. Master rested, but my blood was pumping. I wanted to do "something." I looked at Fakir Musafar's book that was on the coffee table. Awe-inspiring and beautiful. Visited Master several times, and spilled coffee on my a-frame shirt. Had to take it off, rinse it out and put on the spare that I had brought.

Master and I had some light conversation, and she requested that I go look up restaurants in the area that we were going to. Problem: I know NOTHING about KC, the layout, where we were going, or what I should even look for. I found one veggie restaurant, and failed to double check the hours and days of operation. We planned to meet up with one of Master's friends, so I knew that information should be explicit. I saw other potential dining places, but did not want to print out quantities of information. I went back downstairs to report to Master. We got ready and went off for the evening.

Turns out that the restaurant wasn't too far from where we were or where we were going. Problem: They were closed. We ate at an alternative place, and proceeded to Pride.

Who knew there were so many queers in KC!!! A former co-worker had attempted to prime me into understanding this, but until I saw it with my own eyes, I didn't believe it. Wow! Eye candy everywhere, young, old, and in between. All walks of life, and dress. Although, being summertime, and in an outside park...mostly shorts, t-shirts and sandels. My opinion of KC has gone up considerably. We checked out what booths were left, side-stepped and avoided really drunk people, and found chairs that we took over to the area near the stage. They were winding up with all of the Festival stuff...the thank you's, etc that happen at these events. And then this really cool Rock/Punk band came on. I bounced a bit and had great fun.

Master let me go bounce around a bit more, because I was wound up about finally being able to see Ru Paul. He had been scheduled to perform in Phoenix, but that was rained out. I had to travel this far to see him. It was almost worth it.

Seeing a performer who is GOOD at what they do no matter the circumstance always raises my blood. I realized as I watched that he isn't just a gender illusionist, or a singer, he is a True Performer. A spoken word artist, and magic on the stage. There were problems with the audio, major problems, and you could tell that perplexed him, but he kept on singing. There were two outfit changes involved, and minimal audience address. I was struggling with the fact that those around me were extremely inebriated. They wanted the image, not the person. People around me were bumping, and roaming, and constantly moving to different places, and I just wanted to enjoy the show.

Towards the end of the show, I went back to where Master and her friend were, and watched the end. My neck was strained from trying to see around the man in front of me who had his arms up during most of the performance. If I had just stayed back where we were, I probably would have had a better time of it, and without the neck strain.

Show over, we calculated a good time to make our escape. Master went down to a place where I could pick Her up easily. J and I walked to the cars, said our goodnights, and parted ways. It was good to finally meet her after Master telling me about her. There are still some other people to meet, but we are slowly getting around to it.

We stopped at one "leather" bar, but mainly it had some festival people filtering in. The place was huge. Two stories, and four bars. One of them had the front of a big semi truck sticking out of it. Master and I sat, watched people and talked. It was interesting to be in a larger bar, with many celebrants, and too much booze. While driving, I was very conscientious of other driver's states of being.

Finally, we went back and settled in for the night. After a very long dry spell, we had some inspirational sex. I knew I would have to get up early, so we went to sleep. As I was falling, I was missing our cats, who band around us when we are sleeping. No fur under my hand felt very strange.

We toured KC the next day and took our time. With no agenda, and no real plans, it left us open for exploring. We went down to the area around the Missouri river (downtown), and decided we needed a map. We finally found an Osco, and got one. We drove back to this place I wanted to see, and ended up on the water front. I wanted to go stick my hand in the river, but it was too slopey and rocky for me to get down to in sandals. I watched the water roll, and the two guys fish, and waited for Master to find what we were going to do next.

The decision was to go back to the Plaza area and find a nice to cafe to hang out at. There was a Starbucks, but I can do that anywhere. There was another local cafe, but it looked full, and parking sucked. Then, we found Latte Land! Awesome coffee, really cute barristas, and an angel/messenger, who welcomed me as we walked in. We sat outside and made art, talked and ate our scone and muffin. I finished my piece, and said to Master that I wanted to go give it to the guy who welcomed us. He was grateful, and after a brief introduction, he said he needed to come sit with us, he had some things to say. Now I haven't been anywhere near the places that I would normally find messengers, and I was excited. I wasn't sure how Master would feel. The transformation She is going through has really opened Her up. I asked if he could join us, and she said yes. He gave us bits of information that will help us on our journey in the RV. And also useful information for our travels in this area.

After a spell, it was time to say good bye. We walked and shopped, and went and had lunch at Eden Alley, the place we were going to eat at the day before. After a long and leisurely time with food and sun, it was time to go venture out some more.

I have really fallen in love with Kansas City, with the architecture, the old houses, the renovation, and the feel of the place. It is mostly the energy. I can't really describe it yet, but it feels like a place where I could live for awhile. Comparatively, Topeka is not a place I want to continue living. Our time here is almost finished, I can really feel it, but where we are going next is still open.

We visited a few more shops, found a great little funky area, and then headed out to Overland Park, and Whole Foods. Then back on the Highway and home. I was very tired after all that driving and outside time. After some tv and kitty time, I feel sound asleep.

Adventures are good things. Micro-holidays without issues. Traveling is good for me. It was after I came back from San Francisco that I wrote some cool poetry. Maybe this trip will loosen the verse that is stuck inside me. I want to go other places, see other cities, meet other messengers. That is the significance of this trip. That no matter where I go, there is art, life, performance, and angels. I felt grounded and centered, and whole during our time in KC. If I can keep that feeling with me, it will help me tolerate Topeka a bit more.

I know this is such a long entry, and I haven't written anything since around the first of last month, but it is very important that all of this comes out and gets posted. There are other things that have happened in my life recently, but none as important as this trip.

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