02.28.07
10:30 a.m.
Life Interruptus
Life interrupts. I have to do stupid things like laundry and cleaning. I have to clean the cat box, make sure Master is fed, and go to work. My new schedule doesn't give me the opportunity to be very creative about her food these days.
So I don't get to do things like work on my next painting, or start the altered book, because I don't get up early enough to get everything done in time. I rush around trying to complete the to-do list before I have to hop a bus around the corner.
My goal for getting up earlier this month isn't working. I am feeling immensely guilty about this. I don't know how to break this cycle/problem.
Master and I had a very intense discussion the other night about M/s, and how She feels sometimes. I'm not in complete service to her because I'm not approaching my tasks as doing things so that She doesn't have to do them. I am not doing them so her life is easier. I'm doing them because they "have to" get done. This was brought up because we know a relatively new M/s couple, and the slave, even though she hates housework does the tasks so that He doesn't have to do them, so whatever it is He wants to do, he can do.
We have often discussed the fact that I am not a domestic slave. I am not 100% about getting the house clean and doing the laundry. I work a pretty demanding, intense job, where I am required to THINK. (I am still learning their system. I love the job, but I am still in that learning phase.) That takes a lot out of me. When I get home, or before I go to work, cleaning is the last thing I want to be doing.
We have been searching for another slave, off and on. Some one who would be that devoted to Master. Someone who would give Her 100% of their attention, without disruption or interruption. I pointed out during the discussion that I am deeper in love, and more commited to Her than I have ever been to any one else in my life. To me, this is a very important fact. I've never in my life had a relationship that lasted this long, nor have I had one where the feelings intensified over time. Love is the core of our relationship, M/s is the dynamic/expression. Part of my service to Her (and this is really important to ME) is that I stay put. I don't run away, I don't get bored, and I don't wander off to do something else, and then come home to apologize. I can't express strongly enough how important that is. Especially the wandering off part.
Sometimes I want to be that slave, the devoted, worshipful one. The one who will rub feet for hours, sit at her feet and just purr to be in the presence of Her specialness; do things just because she wants them done, not because I want to do them, or not want to do them.
Master has guided me to the point I am working somewhere I have always wanted to work. I am in a place where I fit in, I feel like I belong there, and I am treated with respect. That is an amazing thing. Master has guided me, and prodded me enough to be an inspiration for my being able to paint. Master has guided me to the point where I can funtion in the outside world with minimal stress. I am grateful.
And there are other ways that I serve Master. Ways that aren't always visible. She is protected, grounded, and loved. She has a loving home with cats, and a slave who cares about Her. Life is relatively stress-free except for the stress we invent for ourselves. For the most part, She is fed well. There isn't arguing and fighting about every day things like expenses, or what we are going to do next, or friends, or if I can go out or not. If there is something I need to do, I ask. If she says no, that's that. I follow Her direction in those ways. Not necessarily visible, but extremely important.
So if dishes don't get washed, and She has to clean the bathroom, or do a load or two of laundry once in awhile, that happens. She'll put the dishes away. But sometimes that's because I have requested help. I can't do it all. Keep her fed (lunch & dinner), keep the floors clean, the laundry done, the cat box clean, the dishes washed, and work a full time job. I need help. She understands this. And though I don't always get the help, I am grateful when I do.
The largest part of the discussion we had was how to stop the resentments from building. How does She stop being resentful that I can't get just a few simple things done. I approaced that from the AA standpoint. It says in the Big Book that resentments are killers. That most alcoholics drink because of them. I have to keep myself in check if I want to stay sober. I can't afford those resentments. I have tools that have been given to me to keep those resentments to a minimum. How I did it the other day was simple. The house needed to be clean. I know where everything goes. Get it done, because Master would enjoy a house that was cleaned up a little. So I did it. I got stuff out of the way, put into storage, donated, and I swept the floors. Done. It took me a few hours. But it was done. And though I feel some resentment popping up, I have it contained. Because I serve Master, and these are the things that She wanted me to do. They got done. Ok a week or two late, but they are done. And if She doesn't get Her list done, or doesn't put her toys away after making art...then it's my responsibility to find where they go and put them away.
It's simple really, and it sounds so much more complicated then it is. She guides, I serve. But the focus is on the long-term vision, and I trust in that vision. We have to have things we can take on the road that will make us money, and I have to be able to do more than one painting a week. But if I start out with just one a week, then eventually get up to two or three, that's a good thing, and that's more than I've ever done in my life. And there's getting more of my poetry books printed, so that I can sell them out there on the road. Long term vision, much fun to be had, and we will get there.
There's just all this life interruptus crap that I have to overcome.
And speaking of chores. If I don't get the laundry in, it won't get done before I go to work.
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