9.25.07
11:00 a.m.
Lack of words
I've been writing minimally over at my live journal about d. and our interactions. I've only posted one thing here at this journal. Now, how do I put this into some kind of logical thought process so the rest of the world will understand it?
d is a thoughtful, considerate, submissive person wanting to learn everything she can about us, and about the BDSM lifestyle. We've spent several weeks now getting to know her, and each time we interact I learn more about her, and more about myself. She was here Sunday for the MasT meeting, and besides the first night we met her, it was the shortest time spent together.
Prior to leaving we had this long, extensive hug. Neither of us wanted to let go. There was a bit of tear-shedding, but I read it as release/relief and not as a sad, going away cry. I can't even begin to imagine what she is feeling right now; discovering our community, finally being accepted for who she is, and being able to exist without any judgements. That has to be incredilby freeing.
I came into my kinky self so long ago that I really don't remember much about it. I've always had spank and tickle and rough sex in my life. I've been owned before. And I was always a GDI (goshdarned independent). The only experience I have to relate to this is when I actually joined the BDSM community in Phoenix, became an Amazon, and found APEX. I've watched other people come into the lifestyle and grow and mature, and find who and what they are. I've watched them grow from "I don't know what I am" to finally making a declaration, and it is a miracle when they finally make that discovery. It is so similar to coming out, yet the problem remains that less people are accepting about kinky folks then they are about GLB (T) people. One can't really run around saying "Hey I'm Kinky and I love it!" without the majority of the population saying "WTF." Makes it hard to celebrate who you are, and that you've finally found an expression for your true self.
I've noticed that my nurturing, caring Daddy self is emerging with d. I want to take care of her, keep her safe and protected, teach her how to do things, and how to serve Master correctly. Master has not instructed that I start her training yet. And She will probably do more of the training because of the logistics of my schedule. Still, I want to guide this girl in every way possible.
There is the other side that is waiting to give her all that she's asked for in the kinky realm. I want to dive in and do things I haven't done in several years. Again, that's a waiting game too. Patience is the key here. We are dealing with long distance, and weekend visits. And more intimate interactions would be under Master's orders too. But my daddy-self is the aspect that so wants to be present with her, and it's hard because Master, by the nature of who She is keeps the slaveboy at the surface. Maybe this will help the slaveDaddy stay more at the surface, maybe this is a way for me to mature as well in my service to Master.
I have seen where this relationship between the three of us can lead (darn that Universe sometimes). I don't want to do anything that will hinder or hurt that path. I have asked for years for something like this (even before Master--there was the two boys in my past, but that's another story). I always felt that a triad could work in my life. Most of them have been failed experiments, but at moments I was able to touch the spirit of that unity. Now, I feel I have a chance to make this experience all it can be, to learn from it, and possibly correct the imbalance that was caused by those other experiences in my past. In my relationship with Master, I have found balance between the negatives and positives in my life, and it has helped me become a better person. I don't always look for the bad in things, I don't always assume the worst any more (a lovely habit I picked up from my mother in childhood).
This is a complicated and emotionally charged experience for me. And so when I say to d that I don't want to scare her off, and she says why do you think you can do that, what I'm really saying is "Please Universe, let this work, don't let me become an arse, or a prick. Help guide d in what she wants to learn, and help Master and I grow and learn as well, with all the love available to us!"
And I don't want to scare myself off because of the negative past experiences. There's a part of me inside ready to run at the least hint of trouble. And then there's the other part that is willing to stick through to the end result no matter what the ride is like. These are both extremes, and I'm thinking the middle of the road is better...no running, no hiding, and if things get hard, make sure everyone is communicating. That's always the key. It is the key with Master, with my work, and with any other relationship.
Master gets home from LA tonight, and maybe we can talk about all of this stuff. She knows my history, knows my fears, and also knows that this is something we both look forward to with open hearts and minds. And that's why we can trust d as much as we do, because we trust the Universe.
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